My brain is in a jumble and recently I can’t quite get my thoughts together, because I feel excited and sad, nervous, confused and hopeful.
There are some things that just don’t make sense.
My own infertility still doesn’t make sense to me all of the time. I’ve always taken care of myself. I’m in good shape. I’m relatively healthy. I’ve always done things the way I thought they were supposed to be done. Sometimes I still catch myself asking why. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to go.
In high school and college I struggled with depression. If you’ve ever been there, it isn’t fun. At best you feel misunderstood. At worst, completely and totally alone. I met a friend while in college who was one of my greatest supports then, even though she lived a few hours away. Her son was the ring bearer in my first wedding. I could tell her anything. She understood. She helped me understand why I wanted a divorce. She was one of my biggest cheerleaders – whole-heartedly, and every single step of the way.
But she suffered, too. Both mentally and physically. It got to be too much for her, and 6 days ago, she decided to let go of what felt like nothing but a life of pain to her. This is the part that really sends my brain into a tizzy – how do I accurately and poignantly describe her, the way things ended, and how I feel about all of it?
That’s not what was supposed to happen.
Life seems to be full of these moments where you find yourself thinking “this is not the way I had things planned”. And oftentimes, there are no real good answers to why things are the way they are.
I sent an email to her ex husband, expressing my sadness and sympathies, saying I wished there was something I could do.
He responded by saying: you can help most by taking care of you. Please ensure you stay healthy and do whatever you must do to maintain good mental and emotional health. Life is too short.
He’s absolutely right.
My skydive got canceled AGAIN (plane maintenance issues),but it did allow me to run a 5k before I started stims – one that was supposed to be for Alzheimer’s disease. I decided instead to dedicate to my friend and all that she did for me over the years. I spent the time remembering her.
The IVF cycle appears to be going well. My second check found lots of little follicles and probably 13-15 bigger ones. My estrogen level is ok, I’ve had no major side effects so far, my estimated retrieval day has been moved up to Tuesday.Some excitement. Cautious optimism. But I’m a bit nervous after the cancellation of the IUI cycle,wondering if something like that is going to happen again. Waiting for the other shoe to drop as it has every other month.
I find myself thinking: why do some things go perfectly and others terribly wrong? I’d say the majority of things that have occurred in my life have come full circle – to a point where the why makes sense to me. The OCD problem solver in me appreciates this, the one that needs things to feel complete. There needs to be a reason.
It’s not always that simple.
This cycle could go perfectly, or it could go terribly wrong. And like the loss of my friend, the reason why things happen the way they do may not be fully answerable. I’m trying to learn to be ok with that. And to believe that in the long run, everything will be ok.
Sometimes, it’s just the way life is.