Infertility has a weird way of rearing its ugly head when you least expect it.
Since the twins were born, I’ve been very “99% sure” I am happy with our family the way it is. Bryan is still trying to convince me otherwise, and my answer was always the same: probably not, don’t count on it. I even wrote a post on why I was 99% sure we were done. I had planned to donate the embryos. I even felt almost ready to do it.
Then, this picture popped up in my Facebook memories feed:
Since we haven’t yet entered the full “terrible twos” (I’m hearing later twos and threes is much worse), I’ve been really enjoying this age. Language is just exploding. The things they are amused by are hilarious. They learn something new every day, sometimes every hour. Looking at this picture made me miss it. I stayed home with them for 13 weeks, and then only went back to work twice a week initially and yet I STILL feel like I have very little memory of their infancy. Maybe its for a good reason, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t stir up some thought. I actually found myself saying to Bryan “IF we have another, we are waiting until they are four”. Wait, when did this become a possibility?
The problem is, I’m not entirely sure if its another child that i want, or if its the CHOICE I wish I had. Yes, we would have some semblance of choice this time around because we know we have good quality frozen embryos, but it isn’t the same. And before anyone goes all “be thankful for what you have and don’t complain” on me, I’m just writing this to help myself figure it out.
Man, they were cute babies.
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Journey To the Finish Line 
June 17, 2015 at 8:16 pm
Yeah, they grow so fast, esp the first few months. i was seeing my sons old pictures and was wondering was he really that tiny? I understand how you feel about wanting another. But yes, you have good quality embryos and you dont need to do twins again.
June 17, 2015 at 8:23 pm
No definitely not twins again. That I know 100% for sure! 🙂
June 17, 2015 at 8:33 pm
I’ve got the itch again, I’m ready. But Gus isn’t weaned yet, so no hormones for me until that happens. And he’s still sleeping in our bed, another thing I’d like to change now before I’m up all night to pee, and/or he feels displaced by the new baby. I have a wedding coming up in November across the country so my goal is to have it all done by then, and I can get back in the saddle (stirrups, I suppose) once I’m back.
June 17, 2015 at 9:02 pm
Sounds like a good goal :). Look forward to reading about it !
June 17, 2015 at 10:23 pm
It’s definitely hard to contemplate actually being DONE. We had such an easy time with #1 after all the crap with #1, so part of me is super afraid to even try for #3 and potentially go down the rabbithole of IF with #3 (especially when my hubby isn’t on board for #3 at all lately, even though we both used to want 3). IF remnants are tough..
June 17, 2015 at 10:29 pm
Yup. Totally agree!!!!!
June 18, 2015 at 8:34 am
Ugh its its so hard. There are so many good things about two, and yet that pull to have another baby…. I get it. How many embryos do you have?
June 18, 2015 at 9:35 am
8. We have quite a few and many are good quality so we are lucky in that respect.
June 18, 2015 at 10:22 am
Yea that is good. We have two which I am fine with but my concern is getting all excited about trying for #3, both embryos not working, and then being disappointed. We decided we will absolutely not do another fresh donation so it’s these two or nothing. Right now I feel ok with that but I know that getting back on the IVF roller coaster may change my mind
June 18, 2015 at 11:22 am
Yeah. Infertility will do that to you.
June 18, 2015 at 12:40 pm
I’m with you on this one. I feel pretty much done but I hate the whole choice thing as well. I wish that having kids was as easy as it seems to be for most people. I wish that for me, it didn’t have to be planned and an entire process of IVF, meds, appointments, etc. But I’m so grateful for the little guys.