Disclaimer – this post contains my personal thoughts and experience with motherhood so far -both good and bad. I in no way intend to make it sound as if I am complaining – however, if you think this post may be a trigger to you you may want to skip over it.
While lost in the depths of infertility, when I heard the phrase “motherhood is one of the hardest and most rewarding experiences” I admit I sometimes found myself sighing at the “hardest” part, swearing I would take every cry, shit and vomit in stride. I would be appreciative of the opportunity to simply be a mother. It is all I ever wanted, after all. I’m finding this to be both true and false. (And I do think I get a bit of extra leeway considering I’m mothering not one but two. Seriously, cut me a little slack)
I attribute both my older age and experience with infertility for a higher level of patience. Part of it is the nature of twin-dom too, I think. I can only care for one baby at a time which means sometimes the other is going to cry. Until I get these milk issues sorted out, I can only feed one at a time which means sometimes one is going to wake up early and be mad. I get that getting out of the house takes an extra 20 minutes and that unless I feel like feeding in public my outings are limited to 2 hours tops- and that’s only if someone doesn’t decide to explosive poo through both their worn and back up outfit. I feel like I take all of this with as much stride as a woman with two babies possibly could. I truly believe that infertility makes mothering two babies easier. Not easy, mind you, easi-er. As someone who worked both as a nanny and with babies and toddlers for the past few years I thought I understood that diaper rash happens, some babies spit up more than others, sometimes babies fuss even when you’ve checked everything off the list (diaper, food, temperature) etc. Some feeds are just going to suck. I expected that.
What I didn’t expect was that despite all of this knowledge, I was going to question my judgement anyway.
Let me just come out and say this outright: breastfeeding is hard. People told me that and I get it now. Its (so far) more often stressful than completely successful. My initial worry that I wouldn’t make enough milk for two babies turned out to be hysterical because I actually have the complete opposite problem: I seem to make too much, which results in the whole squirting the baby in the face problem I’ve joked about before (and do at times find genuinely funny). But it also causes other issues: it makes Miles gassy, it makes Abby spit up because it comes out so forcefully and the fullness often makes me ridiculously uncomfortable. Sometime in the middle of the night when I’m already tired, the thought of listening to my poor baby cry or cough just seems overwhelming.
Logically, both babies are healthy. Per the doctor, both are gaining weight appropriately. Per the millions of pages I’ve read (and my own professional knowledge) mild reflux is not a concern as long as babies are gaining and it doesn’t appear to cause lots of crying or pain. Squirming from gas could just as easily be from an immature digestive system as my supply issue. From what I’m told my supply should resolve itself sometime within the next month or two. Poor Abby’s sore bum is likely due to the ridiculous number of times they poop and is probably not due to some milk allergy. Sometimes lots of background, research and ability to find an answer at your fingertips is a bad thing. Logically, I understand all of this. Professionally I’d explain this to a concerned parent and tell them not to worry.
Emotionally, I tell myself not to expect the mother of the year award anytime soon. I wonder if I really am making the right decisions, if the reason why someone is crying is because of something I did or didn’t do. Because of something I should have known.
Logically, I understand that I’m doing the best I can with what I know. That it is and is going to be a lot of trial and error. That sometimes I’m going to mis judge hunger cues, or mix them up with “I need changed” cues or simply “I’m mad for no apparent reason” cues. That the babies are growing and gaining so obviously I have to be doing something right.
Emotionally sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out for this.
Its funny sometimes how you can understand something logically but the emotion tied to it is the complete opposite.
I look at these babies and feel simultaneously blessed and unworthy. I think I struggle a little more with my infertility history because I understand what it feels like to do nothing but wish for the problems I’m currently writing about. Because for some reason I feel like this means I shouldn’t ever be frustrated, confused or feel like I could use some support. Which is just plain silly, but doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.
I feel so happy to have the chance to be a mom – it really IS all I wanted. I tell Bryan often how amazing these babies are, how cute they are, how lucky I feel. Sometimes though, I feel like I am failing at the most important job I’ll ever have.
Welcome to motherhood.
June 9, 2013 at 9:06 pm
You’ll spend your whole life wondering how you failed them! You’re doing a great job, and you will learn as you go. Just as soon as you learn it, they will change their needs:). Kids are hard, at all ages. So, they need some therapy later….. :)…….You will know you did your best… Hang in there champ, and pat ourself on the back:)
June 9, 2013 at 9:07 pm
Thanks. I needed this.
June 9, 2013 at 9:55 pm
OK so I had this whole long comment typed out but I deleted it because it’s pointless for me to try to logically explain to you how things will get better. I know you know that they will. So I’ll just say this….Girl you are NOT alone! By 2 months, I finally found my rhythm and felt like a whole new person, and now, in month 4, I can totally see how women can BF for a year. I’m going for it! Just remember this….NO one earns mother of the year in month one. Otherwise they would call it mother of the month. You’ll earn your title soon enough 🙂
**HUGS**
June 9, 2013 at 9:56 pm
Baha! Good call on mother of the month 🙂
June 9, 2013 at 11:22 pm
Oh man…I think TIA and Kelly hit the nails smack dab on the middle of the head. I surely can’t speak from experience since I don’t have any first-hand, but not to mention ’cause here in a few days I’ll be in the same spot you’re in. Know this though: Nothing is ever handed to you that you can’t handle. I believe you got this in the bag and are just having a moment. 🙂 Hang in there and do what TIA said and pat yourself on the back… you deserve it. 🙂 Many, many hugs mama!!
June 9, 2013 at 11:28 pm
What Kelly said is so true. You’ll learn how to balance it all and gain confidence as you go along. I don’t know one single mother who has felt as if she was doing it all right (or even most of it) from day one. But once you find your footing and create a routine that works for you, it will all seem so much easier. In the beginning, it’s survival — and I imagine even more so as the mother of twins. But in a few months, it will seem natural — like you were born to do this. Just take a deep breath and hang on. It WILL get better — I know you know this, but sometimes it helps when others say it too. 🙂
June 9, 2013 at 11:42 pm
Thank you for your honesty and worry on the flip side now about the guilt I will feel when I get pregnant and then have “bad” days. It is so refreshing to hear your perspective.
June 10, 2013 at 12:03 am
I never meant to convey that you or anyone would or should feel guilty. Maybe guilty isn’t even the right word. I just want to have a place to write while being honest and also sensitive of others bc I remember how it felt. At least I’m trying to be sensitive. Perhaps it didn’t come across that way and if that’s the case I apologize.
June 10, 2013 at 12:21 am
Oh no! I loved your post! My hazy brain must have types something wrong. I feel like I will one day be in a similar place to your post and I just appreciate you voicing how you are feeling right now 🙂 my bad for conveying anything else!
June 10, 2013 at 2:23 am
It just as likely could have been my misinterpretation. Lol. No worries 🙂
June 10, 2013 at 12:20 am
Theresa, I seriously could have written this entire blog myself – it’s like you took the thoughts and feelings right out of my head! Since my baby is a little older than your little ones, I can tell you that once they get to the point where they are able to smile and laugh and respond to your interactions with them, the emotions and thoughts turn to 90% positive ones and only 10% negative. 🙂
June 10, 2013 at 3:50 am
In my opinion, the fact that you question yourself means you are an EXCELLENT mother.
It’s the ones who feel 110% confident/carefree that I worry about.
June 10, 2013 at 6:56 am
You’re the best mother your two little miracles could ever have!
That said, I think you put it very well. Being a new mother is exhausting and full of self-doubt. It never goes away, but it gets better. As for breastfeeding: my midwife told us in prenatal class “After one month, you’ll know how it works; after two months, you’l be good at it.” In my experience, she was right.
June 10, 2013 at 7:55 am
Thank you for your honesty with this post. I think this is another thing we can thank infertility for. I’ve struggled with guilty feelings just about the struggles that come with being pregnant. I feel guilty for complaining about the pregnancy symptoms that are difficult (especially those that come with carrying multiples!!). All the feelings you expressed are totally normal and valid and any new parent is going to feel the way you do. I think those of us who have struggled with infertility glamorize parenting/pregnancy in a way. I think this is what makes it even more difficult when we struggle with pregnancy/parenting. We make ourselves feel guilty for experiencing NORMAL feelings that come with the difficulties of being pregnant and caring for new babies. I really appreciate this post because I think it’s important to be honest about the reality that raising newborns (twins especially) has it challenges. Feeling guilty about feeling that way is only going to make it more difficult. It is so important to be have those feelings validated and know that it is okay to struggle.
June 10, 2013 at 8:34 am
Agreed!!!
June 10, 2013 at 1:19 pm
You are doing great! TWO babies is a pretty big deal. They say with even one if you can make it through the first three months (of craziness lol) then it gets easier. 🙂 Something to look forward to right? Lol. And I’m sorry but people who think us infertiles can’t complain need to get a grip. I hate that I (and you and everyone else) has to feel guilty when we feel the urge to just release (vent). We are allowed to not enjoy certain pieces of our journey as much as others. Lol-are we supposed to say “happy joy joy I get to change my 50th soiled diaper today” and grin?
Oh and on the milk thing-I have NO experience so you don’t have to listen to me lol…but do you pump too? I think I read last time that you do..anyway, I’d think it’d help release some of that built up pressure. But who knows it could make more milk therefore making more pressure. GL!
June 10, 2013 at 1:22 pm
Oh, I just read griswald’s comment. That’s a better way to say what I meant lol-about normal feelings. I like that. We are just normal people so of course we’d experience those normal anxieties and such. 🙂
June 10, 2013 at 2:22 pm
I’ve been there! And I only have one babe to take care of!
One thing- Some of the breastfeeding difficulties you’re describing sound similar to what I went through with LB, the squirming at the breast, gas, reflux, and bad diaper rash, were all due to her having a tongue and lip tie. The rash was due to thrush because she couldn’t swallow super effectively and ended up with thrush in her mouth and on her bum. Poor girl! (Side note: Motherlove diaper cream, the thrush kind, is amazing!) The only reason I didn’t suspect tongue and lip ties as the culprit sooner is she was gaining weight like a champ, but the reason she was gaining weight even though she couldn’t nurse super effectively was because I too have a super fast letdown so whether she worked for it or not she got plenty of milk. I strongly encourage you to have your babes checked for ties by a lactation consultant experienced with ties (all LCs are not equal in skill level unfortunately) ASAP. Once LB’s ties were revised all of the issues I described above went away, including my nipple pain and clogged ducts! It was magical.
Hang in there mama!
June 10, 2013 at 3:15 pm
I actually suspected a lip tie with her early but the ped said it wasn’t anything to worry about. I also asked about thrush when I took her in for the diaper rash and they said no. They did say she might have a yeast rash and so gave us yeast cream – it hasn’t gotten worse but it only looks a little better. The problem I think is that they poop literally every diaper change so her bum can’t ever stay clean or dry. Actually I tried nursing both of them reclined and on my stomach and neither got sprayed in the face!
What did the LC recommend about your letdown? If I nurse sitting up I can get 4 letdowns per feed (per baby!) and so I’m constantly pulling them off. Did she have any advice? I emailed a local LC and may set up a consult.
June 10, 2013 at 2:26 pm
Just wanted to tell you that I felt a lot of the same emotions for the first 4-5 weeks (and sometimes I still do!). I really really really struggled with my emotions that first month. I loved her so much, but I had no idea how difficult motherhood would be. And I felt guilty for feeling so sad, frustrated, etc because I knew that other people would do anything for a baby… and here I was, wanting to go back to life when it was just me and Brandon. But I realize now that those feelings are so normal. And things DO get better. Yes, it’s still a challenge day to day. But once I started getting better sleep, and we fell into a better schedule, I started feeling like myself again. I can’t say that I relate to you completely because I only have one and you have two … but just remember during those difficult times that you aren’t alone in your feelings! Hugs!
June 10, 2013 at 2:58 pm
I agree so much with this comment. Motherhood has been a harder adjustment than i expected and breastfeeding has been the biggest challenge for me too. Finally at week 9 I’m seeing how life could start feeling somewhat normal again – but definitely a new normal. Hang in there!
June 10, 2013 at 3:18 pm
Well that makes me feel better to know that its normal even beyond the first couple of weeks. Everyone warned me that my hormones would be nutty the first two weeks but then I started wondering if feeling icky beyond that meant I might have PPD. Thanks for the encouragement.
June 10, 2013 at 3:00 pm
I agree so much with this comment. Motherhood has been a harder adjustment than i expected and breastfeeding has been the biggest challenge for me too. Finally at week 9 I’m seeing how life could start feeling somewhat normal again – but definitely a new normal. Hang in there!
June 10, 2013 at 9:14 pm
I love being a mom but I also hate it sometimes. I just want to know I am succeeding. My husband points to concrete factors like babies’ weight etc, but I still feel like i’m failing all the time and I HATE that. I hate the uncertainty of it. How do you know when you succeed? Can you even succeed? I am a person who loves that big “A” on a test, and there is no “A” to be had here. I guess I never pictured this being so important to me, but after wanting to be a mom and feeling like I’d be good at it, I want to KNOW…
June 11, 2013 at 4:03 pm
Had I kept a blog, it would have read the same way, except that I would have complained more specifically about preemies. 🙂 And now, as I stress about potty training twins, I still have friends who say, “remember how badly you wanted them?!” I always think to myself, “yes, but when I was wishing back then, I forgot to ask for superhuman mommy powers!”
I think of you everyday! You’re doing better than I was at less than a month. Every three month chunk is easier than the last.
June 11, 2013 at 4:49 pm
It will get easier. I only have one (3 1/2 months) but I went thru very similar feelings and stressors the first month or two. It’s gotten sooo much better and is sooo worth it. The way my daughter giggles when she’s about to nurse… Pure bliss. I have a string letdown too, and used to spray her (and anyone else within range) all the time! I joined a breastfeeding support group for new moms and had a lactation consultant come to the house for several hours in the beginning- both were very helpful! Im still enjoying the group and highly recommend you find one if you can. Have you tried block feeding and hand expressing a little before each feed? Both tactics work for me and helped reduce reflux, face spraying, choking/gasping, etc. Hang in there mama! Your babies are precious!
June 11, 2013 at 6:43 pm
An LC is coming tomorrow. I’ve read about block nursing but only for singletons – not sure if it applies to twins. so far I’ve tried nursing “uphill” – reclining with the babies laying on my stomach and have had MUCH less spray and coughing. I have tried hand expressing but unfortunately its not enough to help.I also end up with several letdowns during a nursing session regardless. Hoping the LC helps some – thanks for the advice!!!
June 12, 2013 at 9:05 am
One, two, three babies… I don’t know that it matters so much, but I think mom’s feel the same the world over (especially FTMs). I sometimes think those who dealt with infertility put extra pressure on themselves to not be frustrated, but we just have to allow ourselves to feel as much as any other mother would feel. You are amazing. The fact that you are doing all this and going through it with not one but TWO babies makes me admire you even more. Trust me… you’ll get through this… and then have a whole NEW series of frustrations. But you’ll get through them too. And, in the end, watching your little ones sleeping and growing and playing and smiling makes all the frustrations tiny in comparison. I still have good and bad days 6 months into this adventure… and sometimes I even long for my early days problems. But… it’s all worth it. And, I try to remember that even the bad days are so precious to me because I really started to think I would never have any of this.
You’re doing great. 🙂