I was a nerd in high school.
I’m on the top left
Actually, I’m still a nerd, but that’s totally not the point. That picture up there is my senior year of high school colorguard. Luckily, we were not required to wear those hideous uniforms all 4 years, but wore them for “senior day” and performed part of our freshman halftime show. We nicknamed them the smurf suits if I remember correctly. (They were this weird pants suit with a half skirt that we often held over our heads as a ridiculous semi-cape) We were a competition band and I loved it (nerd). Marching band consisted of a lot of “hurry up and wait” i.e. hurry the heck up and make sure you are totally ready, but we aren’t actually performing for 2 more hours, so then you have to wait.
This is what infertility is starting to feel like.
Who am I kidding? Starting to is the understatement of the decade. I’ve been “ready” forever, but somehow it feels as though I’m never done waiting. For the next RE appointment,for the next time to ovulate, for the next time to count down the days hoping but trying not to hope too hard so you won’t be too disappointed when you find out you have to keep waiting.
One of the things I’ve sort of “prided” myself on has been my ability to maintain somewhat of a sense of humor through all of this madness. I’m finding it harder to keep in touch with recently. I felt positive about news of our tax refund and its’ ability to help us finance this IVF, but it appears that we have hit yet another financial roadblock. I know I’ve mentioned previously my tendency to have “catastrophe brain”, and it seems to be working on overdrive.
What doesn’t make sense to me is the fact that it was *my* decision and *I* decided to wait.
Welcome to the Wide World of Ridiculous Infertility Emotions, starring: me, directed by: my crazy emotional brain.
Act One/Scene One:
Yes I understand emotionally, financially and logically the benefit of waiting
Act One/Scene Two:
I’m annoyed, impatient, bitter and jealous and I don’t want to wait anymore.
Act Two/Scene One:
It’s not a big deal
Act Two/Scene Two:
It is a big deal.
No autographs, please.
Also, I am officially diagnosing myself with Infertility Induced Bipolar Disorder. (IIPD)