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Journey To the Finish Line

PR's, 4 children, hopes and dreams; I'm always running after something

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money

Hurry Up and Wait

I was a nerd in high school.

I’m on the top left

Actually, I’m still a nerd, but that’s totally not the point. That picture up there is my senior year of high school colorguard. Luckily, we were not required to wear those hideous uniforms all 4 years, but wore them for “senior day” and performed part of our freshman halftime show. We nicknamed them the smurf suits if I remember correctly. (They were this weird pants suit with a half skirt that we often held over our heads as a ridiculous semi-cape) We were a competition band and I loved it (nerd). Marching band consisted of a lot of “hurry up and wait” i.e. hurry the heck up and make sure you are totally ready, but we aren’t actually performing for 2 more hours, so then you have to wait.

This is what infertility is starting to feel like.

Who am I kidding? Starting to is the understatement of the decade. I’ve been “ready” forever, but somehow it feels as though I’m never done waiting. For the next RE appointment,for the next time to ovulate, for the next time to count down the days hoping but trying not to hope too hard so you won’t be too disappointed when you find out you have to keep waiting.

One of the things I’ve sort of “prided” myself on has been my ability to maintain somewhat of a sense of humor through all of this madness. I’m finding it harder to keep in touch with recently. I felt positive about news of our tax refund and its’ ability to help us finance this IVF, but it appears that we have hit yet another financial roadblock. I know I’ve mentioned previously my tendency to have “catastrophe brain”, and it seems to be working on overdrive.

What doesn’t make sense to me is the fact that it was *my* decision and *I* decided to wait.

Welcome to the Wide World of Ridiculous Infertility Emotions, starring: me, directed by: my crazy emotional brain.

Act One/Scene One:

Yes I understand emotionally, financially and logically the benefit of waiting

Act One/Scene Two:

I’m annoyed, impatient, bitter and jealous and I don’t want to wait anymore.

Act Two/Scene One:

It’s not a big deal

Act Two/Scene Two:

It is a big deal.

rinse/repeat

The End

No autographs, please.

Also, I am officially diagnosing myself with Infertility Induced Bipolar Disorder. (IIPD)

I Used to be Indecisive…Now I’m Not So Sure.

One of my least favorite things about infertility is its’ uncertainty. The solution can often seem annoyingly unclear, without a guaranteed result even once you make a decision.

I am the complete antithesis of a risk taker. I’m a planner. A list maker. I pack for trips two days early, considered homework assignments late if they weren’t finished before the due date. I make sure all of my ducks are in a row before making any big purchases. I save. I prepare for a more expensive result so I can be pleasantly surprised at my budgeting skills. I figure my home budget as though I make less than I actually do just in case I missed something- which I don’t. Well, not usually.

I’ve somewhat sadly spent the last several months trying to decide what to do in respect to these shots for Bryan. Do we wait it out or go balls to the wall, taking a huge emotional and financial risk?

As the non risk taker – I basically just spent all of that time hemming and hawing. Missing life. Upset alot. Going over every possible result over and over again.

You know what, me? Obsessively going over all the unknown details of a not yet made decision and all of its possible forks in the road is not only impossible, but enough to drive one a bit insane. I’m finding this struggle with indecision leaking into other parts and decisions in my life and finding myself not only constantly annoyed, but becoming indecisive about the littlest things.

What do you want for dinner? I don’t know.

What shirt should I wear today? *stares into closet for 5 minutes…..gets stressed out, gives up, and leaves house naked….just kidding*

What should I blog about? *stares at blinking cursor for 15 minutes*

What do you want to do today? Wish I was really a wizard. Oooh, or maybe write fan fiction.

Do you want some chocolate? Heck yeah!

Ok, well some decisions are still easy enough.

Finally, though, I just got kinda tired of it. All logic points to waiting a bit for both stability and financial reasons.  Hesitantly, I finally agreed to give the VA treatments until my 30th birthday. I’m really not thrilled about it, but obviously my lack of decision making regarding what path to take was a decision in and of itself. I’m too afraid to not only be brokenhearted, but also broke. And wavering about what to do was making my relationship suffer. Finally, after several months, I agreed to make a decision for sure.

Then, Bryan asked me if I wanted to use some savings money to fix some stuff around the house or save it in case we need it.

Well, shit.

Get back to me in a few months.

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