Currently, my two least favorite words in the English language.


Bryan went back into the endocrinologist today after his most recent donation to science. Before I continue, let me explain that we have been to a fertility doc, and Bryan also has benefits through the VA. Testing done at the VA is free, so that is usually where we go, but have done some testing and consulting through the fertility clinic also. Back in August, the VA agreed to fund HCG shots in attempts to create more sperm. This man at the VA specializes in hormones, not fertility.

We’ve seen slow, but steady progress. This most recent visit resulted in the following words being uttered yet again: be patient. Your hormone levels look good, you are progressing. (whatever that means, we didn’t get a sperm count number)


According to him, the current plan is to continue on the same level of HCG, increase it in 2 months if necessary and in 6 months add FSH if needed. He actually said to Bryan that we could get pregnant where we are. That he wouldn’t recommend an IVF right now because its too early.

What? Our RE told us that at our current count, our only option is IVF (besides a miracle of course, and yes, he told us to be patient too). He doesn’t even recommend IUI until we have 20 mil sperm, and the last number we got was half that. I just feel like I’m getting two separate sets of recommendations. Bryan’s hormone levels are currently within normal levels. Per our RE, adding additional hormone to an already normal hormone level wont likely make that much of a difference. That makes alot of sense to me. VA doc says, lets keep going! Lets add more! You’ll get more sperm! You can have babies now!

What’s the freaking answer? I’m going to the next appointment, because I’m confused.

Bryan thinks we should let the endocrinologist do this thing. I.e. be patient. He thinks jumping to IVF right now would be a bad decision, but also that if it’s driving me crazy…..then he trailed off and said he didn’t know what to do either. (at least its not just me)

I just don’t know what I want to do. We could go through the next 12+ months of hormone tx and be right where we are a year from now. We could dig up money for an IVF, and it could fail. Or, we could have been able to get pregnant on our own and never know it. And what sucks the most? There is no way to know. There is just no freaking way to know. And I hate that.

I do know this: I’m impatient. I’m 29, so yes, I still have time. I’m tired of watching my friends’ families grow. I’m tired of peeing on sticks. Of planning sex. Of being stressed over it. Of watching Bryan be stressed over it because I’m stressed over it. Of talking about it. Of thinking about it. Of crying about it. Of worrying about the money for it. Right at this moment I’m ready to take the money I have in savings, do some house repairs or take a vacation or something and just say F#$% IT!

I think, at least, it might be time for a break.