Why There Probably Won’t Be a Number Three

I got an interesting, out of the blue request the other day.

The marketing department from the fertility clinic both called and wrote me an email, saying Channel 2 was interested in doing a news story on a patient who had taken Letrozole as part of their fertility treatment. Would I be interested in participating in this interview?

Honestly, at first I didn’t recall taking Letrozole, but once I googled it realized it was just the technical name for Femara, one of the meds I was given to take for our IUI cycle. The crappy hooray we have enough sperm to try an IUI canceled IUI cycle. The point of the interview, though (if I understood correctly) was to talk about how there is a smaller chance of multiple eggs and side effects (vs. using Clomid which I have not ever taken) and not whether it was part of a successful pregnancy, so I agreed.

I met with a photographer today who admittedly didn’t have much background on the subject of either infertility or the medication. I had no knowledge of what kind of questions they would ask, so we were both kind of winging it. He seemed confused as to why they would interview someone who had used it during a cancelled cycle and what exactly a cancelled cycle meant while I awkwardly stood in front of a camera trying to explain that the med had done what it was supposed to do and that the fact that my cycle was canceled had nothing to do with it. (This was all while trying to describe it to someone who had no idea what I was talking about.)*

As part of the interview, he asked me how it felt to have a successful cycle and how it felt to have a twins as a result (I am paraphrasing) and I meant every word when I said that it was an emotionally and financially taxing time, but that it was absolutely worth it and I would do it all over again.

I was kind of lying.

Right up there with my divorce, infertility was one of the most difficult things I’ve endured. I’ve written several posts before about how hard it is on ALL of your relationships, your emotions and even your sense of self. Even now as a mom it creeps in through feelings of guilt when I find myself annoyed over the 2nd middle of the night wake up.

Bryan sometimes expresses interest in having more, and while I watch some friends’ bellies grow, attend baby showers and coo over their newborn pictures I sometimes, briefly, think that it would be cool to experience again. For Abby and Miles, I would absolutely 100% relive every bad day and cry every tear. I would do it all over again, for THEM. But not for any more.

I have absolutely no interest in meds, injections, monitoring appointments and blood tests. No more appointments. No more transfers. No more anxiety.

I am just fine with two.

*I’m sure they will piece something together thanks to the magic of editing, unless they just decide to cut it altogether. Should I get word it is airing I will try to record and post it :)



Going to Tri

Before the twins arrived, I was a runner. That’s not to say I’m not a runner anymore, but previously I basically ran, and ran and ran some more, with very little cross training.

Then I hurt my back, and my chiropractor recommended amping up the cross training. More specifically, swimming and biking. Bryan bought me a hybrid bike for my birthday last year and I’ve enjoyed the occasional ride, but I’m really not much of swimmer.  In fact, prior to about 6 weeks ago I can count the number of times  I swam for exercise on one hand.

Interestingly, I’m finding that I really enjoy more frequent cross training because it helps me avoid burnout. I look forward to my workouts more now that I’m doing different things. In fact, I’ve even started to enjoy swimming and even swam a whole mile (!) last week. I’ve secretly been doing brick workouts (swim/bike, bike/run etc) once a week for the last several weeks.

So of course, you know what this means.

It’s time to try a sprint triathlon. It’s been on my mind for several weeks and I’ve finally decided I’m going to register.

This particular race consists of

  • .3 mile swim (yes, point three)
  • 12 mile bike ride
  • 5k

I know I won’t place, but I know I can finish. If the contact lenses I ordered show up in enough time I’m going to jump in on the race next Sunday, otherwise I’ll race on August 10 (because you know, being able to see for the whole thing would be nice).

Stay tuned.

Finish This

1. The only thing standing between me and a sprint triathlon finish is the fact that, for whatever reason, I can’t bring myself to register for it. Even though I know I could finish it. How ridiculous is that?

2. I don’t have to be perfect to be better. Improvements are often small. Mistakes are still made. It is what you learn from them and how you change for the next time that matters. I need to remind myself of this.

3. I would improve children’s toys by inserting volume controls in ALL of them! Sometimes they are just LOUD! TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR!!! CAN YOU JUST SHINE MORE QUIETLY PLEASE?!?


your co-hosts are LISA (COASTLINED), JEN (The Arizona Russums), BECKY(The Java Mama) and NICOLE (Three 31)

Life With Twins – 14 months

Didn’t I just post their 13 month update?

It hasn’t been a particularly busy month, event wise, aside from my declaration of reasons why I’ll never win mother of the year. That and my parents coming down to visit for the 4th of July. They swear they are actually going to move into the house they bought one of these days. (swear, I tell you).

Gross Motor – They love to “downward baby”, Abby does this weird crawl on all fours,  and they both happily cruise the furniture, but still no independent walking yet. Miles has kinda taken “step flop” which basically means he wobbles one quarter or half step forward and then promptly flops himself onto the couch or floor. Its been suggested that I try standing them up with their backs against the couch and using food bribery. When I do that, Miles stands there for a bit, squats down and crawls over. Abby cries. In fact, when I attempt to help her in any way (except walking while holding my fingers) she cries. Only recently has she started pushing the push toys around, but this is only after SHE initiates and and only if it is HER idea. Miles loves climbing the stairs so I let him navigate them before naps and bedtime (and at the top of the stairs he closes the gate, which is hilarious). If I put Abby near the stairs to try to climb, well, I’ll give you three guesses as to what happens, and the first two don’t count.

Fine Motor - Abby has gotten quite good at feeding herself with a spoon. She can get a fork into her mouth as long as there is food already on it. Miles, on the other hand – well, I’ll just let you see for yourself.

On the other hand, Miles is actually getting pretty good at stacking cups and he gets a puzzle piece in the activity puzzle about half the time. Abby is a bit better at getting a ball out of the cup than Miles is but he fairs pretty well.

Speech/Language – I feel like they’ve gained a lot of understanding this month, but not as much in the way of new spoken words. Miles does say “mum mum mum” to eat, but not all of the time. He does, however, know how to “high 5″ and Abby will lean in when I say “kiss” and pucker my lips. I’ve started doing some object identification with them. Miles imitated “pa” for pop, but only once. I’ve gotten them to “give me their feet” to tickle a couple times but I’m not sure if they actually know their feet or if they just know I’ll tickle them. Same with things like “go get the ball” or “roll the ball”. Of course I’m going to say that know what I mean, because they are obviously geniuses like me (ha). Abby has figured out how to say some /k/ /g/ and throaty sounds and so when she babbles (which is like, constantly), she sounds like she is speaking German, or maybe Russian.

They are starting to look more and more like kids and less like babies. We’ve had a few mini tantrums but nothing major (yet). We’ve managed to ditch both bottles AND pacifiers (so far – 3 days no huge problems). They take 1 nap most days – a few days here and there they need two. I’ve started putting shoes on them periodically – poor Miles has really fat feet. Favorites this month: swimming, rolling the ball, peaches, bubbles, ice cream (*cough cough*), “throw the baby”, climbing stairs (Miles) and “talking” (Abby).

  • Abby has her first popsicle

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Great, now I’m having issues with bullets again.

  • Miles sports red, white, and cute (yes, I just said that)
Born in the USA

Born in the USA

  • Daddy falls asleep and so mommy paints his toes
Pretty pretty

That’s the risk you take when you nap

  • Miles shows off his “downward baby”
Downward facing baby

Downward facing baby

  • Abby reaches for the stars


  • They interact in the tub

(Insert cute video here – unfortunately it shows my son’s doodle so I can’t actually post it on the internet)

  • They swim
just call us ducks

just call us ducks

  • Then Abby relaxes after a long days work
SUCH a hard day

SUCH a hard day

  • Miles is a monster


  • We break out the water table
splish splash

splish splash

  • I’ll let the pic explain this one…
Hi, I'm a letter board

Hi, I’m a letter board

  • Miles plays peek a boo
peek a boo!

peek a boo!

  • And takes his first video selfie


Oh, and I’ve just discovered that we’ve reached the age where I’m going to have to start eating candy in the bathroom……

Bye Bye Babies

I’ve been trying to hang onto babyhood for a long as possible.

At just a few days shy of 14 months I decided to bite the bullet and ditch the one remaining nighttime bottle. The dishwasher was running and contained all of the bottles we had left that I hadn’t already given away, so I warmed up milk, threw it into a couple sippy cups, handed them to the twins and held my breath.

They didn’t give a damn.


They didn’t drink as much but didn’t so much bat an eye at the exchange of drink ware (now, if I had turned off Pocoyo, there would have been hell to pay, I am sure).

To be honest, even as early as when I found out we were having twins, I planned for them to be my only children. I never wanted to have more than two kids to start with. As time has gone on, my reasons for sticking with two have shifted slightly but my feeling that these two are it remain the same. Now that we are taking bigger and bigger steps away from babies I admit that I don’t immediately diminish the thought of another pregnancy and baby. I still feel like two is the best fit for us, if that makes sense, but the biggest battle I fight is that I, at least at this point in time, have absolutely ZERO interest in fighting infertility again. By far it was one of my most difficult battles and yes it was absolutely 100% worth it. But I don’t want to do it again.

So I’m hanging onto my babies.

While snuggling withe the twins Bryan and I talked about when to begin the pacifier battle. In a few days, I said, citing the reason that we shouldn’t change too much at one time but really thinking that I’d be ok with babies for a few more days.

I took them upstairs, placed them in their cribs, brushed their teeth, read a story, and then realized their pacifiers were nowhere to be found.

So I kissed them goodnight and left the room without returning with the highly coveted stuffed animal pacifiers.

I braced myself. I expected meltdowns. I expected full on pterydactl screaming.

They weren’t thrilled, but they weren’t screaming bloody murder, and after 30 minutes were sound asleep.

I’m now watching the monitor wondering where on earth the time went, flabbergasted by the fact that they apparently handle change better than I do (granted, its only the first night*) and am a little sad to lose my babies.

*After 45 minutes asleep we already have one waker and guess what he is currently doing? Oh well, one battle at a time.

5 Reasons Why I’ll Never Win Mother of the Year

  • I feed them ice cream (sometimes)
  • I put my son in a tutu and take pictures of him
I'm the prettiest pretty princess

I’m the prettiest pretty princess

  • I sometimes (playfully people) refer to Veggie Straws as “shut up sticks”
  • I let them watch Pocoyo sometimes not just before bed
  • I take pre rescue pictures
I have no idea how he got himself stuck under this

I have no idea how he got himself stuck under this

Go away vacuum!

Go away vacuum!

Virtual Counseling

During my freshman year in college, because I am a rule follower, I attended a required meeting with something of a guidance counselor (he had another name but I can’t remember)  who was supposed to help me choose what I wanted to do with the remainder of my life. My plan had been to start with the basic required courses (Math, English etc) and hope something would make itself seem interesting in the process. His advice was to choose a class in a few things I was interested in to see if it was something I wanted to pursue further.

At the time, I really had an interest in Psychology, but my own mental state was…well, not optimal. I knew myself well enough to know that if I had a client do something destructive with his/her life I was the type of person to not only take it personally but blame myself, and so I chose a different path.

I spent a great deal of college and beyond in therapy myself. My first experience was not positive. He doled out meds and changed them when I didn’t feel any different two weeks later. I didn’t like him, so I stopped. After my Freshman year I transferred schools and started seeing a graduate school student who was my “therapist” for the next three years. Unfortunately, we didn’t get very far. Partly I think because she was understandably inexperienced and partly because I sincerely had this fear that speaking my thoughts out loud would break me. I spent many sessions saying next to nothing.

I found an outlet in writing and an online forum, which probably explains why blogging is still therapeutic to me. Eventually after several years, a few huge life changes and some work with a therapist who actually gave me the no nonsense help I really needed, things started to change.

Sometimes, though, I look back on those days with some regret, because they simply weren’t as enjoyable for me. I wish that I had the ability to transfer my written words into spoken ones. Even now I communicate much more effectively through writing and have my virtual friends on that online forum to thank for helping me through many difficult times.

Technology is changing. People order pizza and shop for clothes on the Internet, and soon they may be able to send a picture of themselves to a physician and receive a tentative diagnosis. Technology is altering the way we all think about many things in our culture; it may one day affect the way we get counseling. Some experts in the mental health field envision software for our computers that will enable us to ask virtual counselors to help us with questions we formerly would have asked of a professional. These visionaries predict that the software will provide common answers, and if we ask anything that is too complex, it will recommend that we see a live counselor.

Other changes forecasted for the counseling profession are unification of certifying organizations and of counselors’ credentials. This will be an important step because people do not have to be certified to call themselves counselors. Even if counselors are certified, the credentialing organization may not be professionally acceptable. In the future, perhaps all counselors will have the same hierarchy of credentials, and it will be easier to choose the kind of counselor we need.

“Counseling Today” magazine suggests that perhaps the most sweeping change in counseling may be the shift to globalization. Of course, there will always be a need for school counselors, especially as the issues with which they deal are becoming increasingly complex. The trend toward addressing the mental health needs of society by treating the problems of the individual may turn to solving individual issues through working toward the mental health of a population. Counselors may soon address worldwide income disparity along with racial and sexual prejudices and advocate for mental health “wellness” programs. This change in the practice of counseling must be accompanied by a shift in the educational patterns and requirements in psychology degree programs. Schools with degrees based on the theories of cognitive behavioral therapy may have to expand their scope to deal with the issues of humanity.

Counselors in the school setting may need to open themselves to working with teams of professionals to serve a population of children. Change may be necessary for policies on things like bullying and working with special-needs children. Wake Forest is among the many schools addressing the future of educational counseling. Programs like Wake’s Degree in Counseling are making shifts in educating their students that reflect the changing world.

I know that, personally, had I used a virtual counselor he or she would have recommended in person counseling anyway, but sometimes I wonder – maybe it wouldn’t have taken so long to find the right fit, so to speak, and I could have spent less time in silence. It is good to know, at least, that programs are changing and improving.

Have you ever seen a therapist? What are your thoughts on virtual counseling and/or online counseling degrees?