As we near the end of this pregnancy I have to say that I can’t believe how fast it went. I feel like I went to bed one night and woke up the next morning with a 42″ waistline. In less than 2 days we will reach full term, which for twins is fabulous. But even if I went into labor today, they would still be ok, and for that I am happy.
My body is starting to wear down. But since I’m measuring 43 weeks pregnant (at last check anyway) I can’t say I am surprised. In fact I probably made it longer than most do before the aches and pains kicked in – over the last week or so they have really increased, and I’ve made more than one comment to Bryan about how getting off the couch has turned into an Olympic sport.
So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my version of the Olympics and the only Olympics I’ll ever get to participate in: the 2013 Preggo-lympics.
Events are timed and judged on a number of factors such as: amount of waddling, number of facial grimaces, number of attempts and number of grunts and/or curse words used.
Help! I can’t reach the remote!
So you’ve finally gotten yourself comfortable on the couch, the DVD is in, your water is laying next to you and you’ve just finished your 5th snack when you go to turn the TV up and realize……you can’t reach the remote. Shit.
You lose: you wait till have you to pee again to get up. What? its the Olympics. There has to be *some* challenge here
Bronze medal: you maneuver yourself in such a way to reach the remote in less than one minute
Silver medal: you maneuver yourself in such a way to reach the remote in less than 30 seconds
Gold medal: you get your husband to get the remote for you
The Bed Roll
You’ve settled into bed with your 6 million pillows. You’ve finally calmed your mind down after about 30 minutes and begin to fall asleep…..then you realize your hip has fallen asleep and its time to roll over.
You lose: you fall asleep and wake up 5 min later with hip pain.
Bronze medal: you grab your belly and roll over, then realize you’ve forgotten a pillow and so blindly slap around the bed to retrieve it, cursing under your breath.
Silver medal: you grab your belly AND all pillows, grunting on the way over, but successfully complete the maneuver.
Gold medal: you grab your belly, all pillows and roll without making any extraneous noise.
Crap, I have to pee
Now that you’ve rolled, gotten into position and have begun, yet again, to fall asleep….you realize you have to pee. This becomes a crazy feat because now not only do you have to sit, stand, walk, sit, stand, walk and lay down again- you also need to try to do so without cursing.
You lose: this doesn’t happen in this event. If you manage to get to the bathroom without urinating on yourself, you get a medal.
Bronze medal: You attempt to sit up, but didn’t brace yourself properly so it takes a couple tries. You curse under your breath. The third time is the charm and you’re sitting. But, you forgot to use the momentum to swing your legs over to the side of the bed and have to brace yourself again.You curse again, a little louder this time. You get on your feet to discover that the ligament in your pubic bone has shifted and so you waddle painfully (cursing) to the bathroom, plop down on the toilet and realize you forgot to turn the light on and so can’t see the toilet paper. When you finally reach it you’re so annoyed that you curse again. You manage to get back up, to the bed and plop in not caring about position, but you wake up 5 min later because your hip has fallen asleep because you didn’t take the time to position the pillows correctly.
Silver medal: Sitting up takes a couple tries but you remember to use the momentum this time to get out of bed. You make it to the bathroom (and remember to turn the light on) in 4 waddles or less. You haphazardly position the pillows when you get back into bed and wake up 30 minutes later.
Gold medal: Not only did you sit up successfully the first time AND used the momentum to get out of bed, but make it to the bathroom in 2 waddles or less (walking semi normally t he rest of the way), use the bathroom and make it into bed positioning the pillows correctly. You wake up again in 1-2 hours.
I’m all ready to go! Except my pants….
You’ve got it all -bra, shirt, hair done, teeth brushed. You’re ready to go – except- you’re not because your pants aren’t on yet.
You lose: you walk around half naked all day. (Please don’t show up to work like that)
Bronze medal: You hop several times before you manage to get even one leg in, and repeat the process with the other leg. By the time you’re done you’ve had 2 braxton hicks contractions and you have to sit down afterwards because you’re out of breath.
Silver medal: You get one leg in successfully but hop around for the second leg. One braxton hicks contraction. You finish getting ready without resting but do so breathing harder than you normally would
Gold medal: You get smart and sit down before you attempt to put any legs in your pants.
That concludes this years preggo-lympics. Now go collect your metals, have a snack (what? its been 20 minutes) and take a nap.