Journey To the Finish Line

PR's, 4 children, hopes and dreams; I'm always running after something


parenting after infertility

Good Morning Christmas

I don’t set an alarm anymore. It isn’t exactly necessary.

I think the babies are going through a developmental spurt and some separation anxiety so sleep has been a bit fitful for them recently. My boy alarm woke me up at 530 this morning. Bryan had gone downstairs so I got him, brought him into bed with me, fed him (the baby, not Bryan) and left him there to snuggle. It’s hard for me to go back to sleep after being awakened if its closer to morning so while I waited and hoped Miles would drift back off to sleep for a couple more hours I laid there in the dark thinking about Christmas.

I thought about Christmas last year, 18 weeks pregnant, both excited at the prospect of motherhood and nervous about the health of the babies, hoping they would stay put and be born healthy and hopefully full term. I thought about our “special gift” to my parents where we revealed the genders.

IMG_1608Miles stirred. I turned around and pulled him a little closer to me. I placed my finger in his small hand. He, in response, giggled in his sleep. I smiled.

I thought of two Christmases ago, waking up to the start of yet another new cycle and how all I wanted to do was get the day over with, avoiding all the Facebook updates with pictures of families. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about I think Christmas will always be laced with both sad and happy memories and as I finally drifted back to sleep, my hand in my sons’, I felt as I expected – both sad and at peace.

Merry Christmas from the Powers'
Merry Christmas from the Powers’

Merry Christmas to all, and to all still trying – to all remembering their angels, I will always be here hoping and remembering with you.

O Christmas Tree

Sunday during a brief “break” in the weekend, I brought the twins into the living room with me and started hanging ornaments on the Christmas Tree. I picked a Christmas station on iTunes radio and filled the green branches with bulbs, snowflakes and crazy characters while Miles sat in the bouncy seat and Abby bounced in the bouncer (aka “command center”). I had hoped to get all the ornaments up but instead I stopped about 75% of the way through, no longer feeling the same excitement and motivation. I walked away, leaving it unfinished.

Through all the months of infertility, one of the things I dreaded most was the holidays. Christmas was of particular significance when Bryan and I had a talk about how it was affecting me and what our future plans would be. On the other hand,  one of the things I most looked forward to when our cycle was a success was celebrating these holidays I once dreaded. As the days tick over from November to December, the excitement mixes with some sadness attached to memories of the previous holidays.

It honestly seemed silly at first and I was surprised and even irritated at myself because I finally have the family I dreamed about and yet I still carry the sadness with me. As someone who has much more patience with others than I do myself, I tend to view my own reactions with a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality. I have to remember, though, that these feelings and memories can’t just be turned off like a light switch. The journey that brought us where we are now will always be a part of me.I’m not going to simply forget how hard it was for me or how hard it is for the others I know still trying.  When I look at the Christmas Tree this year, and maybe for many years to come, I will likely feel both joyful and sorrowful. At each Christmas as I watch the twins open gifts I will both celebrate our wonderful family and remember the mountains we climbed to get there. I will embrace the mixture of joy and pain.

Now, it’s time to go finish the tree.

Life with Twins – Week 20

Twenty weeks old isn’t really all that significant but for some reason it feels like it to me. Maybe its because twenty weeks is typically associated with the halfway point of a pregnancy. Maybe its the jump from the teens to the twenties. Whatever the reason, it seems old. I mean, as far as babies go.

I continue to gimp around and not run in my stupid boot. It’s been almost two weeks since I broke it so 4 more to go. I have discovered, thankfully for my sanity, that I can use the elliptical with the boot on and keep my toe stable. I’ve also (finally) been doing more core work and weights after every elliptical workout and think it may actually be helping my still split ab muscles. On top of that, I finally discovered the wonders of Breaking Bad when I looked it up on Netflix and use that to entertain myself. I  just finished the first season, so no spoilers please 🙂

On the plus side, I dunno if it was because I was sick or just lucky but it appears that I have finally lost the final 2-4 lbs I was fighting as the scale has been steady for the last few days. If I can’t run, I can at least celebrate that! I also signed up for comeback half part 2 in December. I should have 7 weeks to train for it after my toe heals. I probably won’t be able to run fast, but I should at least be able to finish it. So there’s that.

Babies are getting bigger every day. Still no rolls from Abby yet and Miles still hilariously gets stuck on his stomach because he hasn’t figured out how to roll back. We go to a party to celebrate babies that our fertility clinic throws and go to Landen’s second birthday party. I wrote about his birth in my 2nd or 3rd post in this blog two years ago. Crazy. Both babies are starting to giggle in response to tickles and pay more attention to their lovey’s and the stuffed animals on their wubbanubs. But since they’ve figured out how to grab, but not let go, they often end up pulling the pacifier out of their mouths and then cry. Like, wtf just happened mom? It was there and now its gone.  🙂 They are also (much to my demise) starting to get distracted while eating and Abby likes to do this thing when she’s done that involves my nipple and pulling. I do not look forward to teeth. We haven’t started solids yet even though the pediatrician said we could  – they still don’t seem all that interested, and I’m in no hurry.

No onto the fun part:

  • Abby wears her first pair of shoes
Whoooooo could be cuter than me?
Whoooooo could be cuter than me?
  • And strikes a pose, madonna style
  • We go to a celebrate babies party
Our babies rock the Coastal hats
Our babies rock the Coastal hats
  • And make our fertility doc pose for a few pictures
aforementioned photo request :)
I’m even cooler with babies
  • And one with our awesome nurse
She's pretty awesome
She’s pretty awesome
  • We go for a ride in the double jogger – of course no jogging
Faster mom, this is boring
Faster mom, this is boring
  • Miss Abby gets fussy and stuck in the carrier
I fuss, I get worn
I fuss, I get worn

Obviously no running stats this week. Boo.

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