Ten Thoughts Tuesday – Serious and Not so Serious

I’ve seen these posts but have never done one myself, but it seems to fit today since I was just sitting here thinking about how I’d like to blog but aren’t sure how to tie the million thoughts together than I have in my brain.

 

1. I’m feeling like my blog is hanging in this weird area. It’s not really an infertility blog, humor blog, or a fitness blog or a mommy blog. It was meant to be a “whatever” blog but I feel like maybe I’m trying to include too much. But I don’t feel like I’m a fitness blogger, I don’t feel like I’m a mommy blogger and I don’t feel like I’m strictly a humor blogger. I want to put together something that encompasses all these things and I feel like lately I’m sucking at it. It seems like my interest is down. And I’m annoyed that that bothers me because the blog was supposed to be for me, not anyone else.

2. I hate having asthma.

3. Between toddlers, exercise, work, blogging, trying to keep the house from blowing up and attempting to maintain friendships and a marriage, sometimes I feel like I’m being spread too thin. At the end of the day I most often berate myself for spending time cleaning that I could have spent with the twins, or with Bryan.

4. I got a manicure for the first time in months and actually really like having my nails painted.

5. I could really be nicer to my husband. Clutter makes me anxious, and I don’t often deal with it well. I nag. I pick. I get upset over stupid things. He’s told me this before and yet old habits die hard. I need to start doing nice things more often, think about what he does do more often, appreciate him more often. It is difficult to get out of a negative mindset. We are supposed to be partners, and I don’t always treat him that way.

6. I could literally sit and watch episode after episode of Gilmore Girls and not get tired of it.

7. I am worried that I don’t know how to raise toddlers. Sometimes I have a short fuse, and I worry that I do and will raise my voice too often and say no too much.

8. I still chuckle when I think about how, when my parents came to visit this past weekend, I changed some of the shortcuts on her iPhone. (For example, when she typed house, it changed it to hillbilly shack, and yes became yellow submarine. How became gherkin pickle.) She was so confused.

9. It used to really annoy me when people would tell me “you’ll understand when….”. I get it now.

10. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Damn.

2013 Recap

Hard to believe I’m already in my 3rd year of blogging.  A recap of 2013. (Click the links to see a recap of 2011 and 2012)

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

•  Carried and gave birth to twins!
• Took a 9.5 month break from running
• Broke a bone
• Was asked if I was handicapped

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

2013

• Run a half marathon distance (or race) before the end of the year (after taking 10 months off, not sure how long this goal will take to achieve!) YES!
• Live more in the present – I’m keeping this one with the babies coming – if I need this one I need it now more than ever as I am sure they will grow like weeds and one day I’ll wake up and wonder where the time went – I’D SAY THIS IS PARTIALLY ACHIEVED
• Be the best mom I can be – ONGOING
• Be flexible – ALSO ONGOING

2014

• Run 6 half marathons (pending this most recent butt/back injury)
• PR a race
• Make it to a year of breastfeeding
• Read 25 books
• Spend less time glued to my phone

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


• Many blogging and twitter friends that I’ve met this year have given birth – most of which have battled infertility (yay!)

4. Did anyone close to you die?


• We lost my grandfather at the beginning of this year

5. What countries did you visit?

• Um, that would be zero. A big fat zero.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

• a vacation! A nice one!

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

• February 18 – the big vehicle debacle is solved

I’m being all thug and sh*t

• March  – baby showers for ME!

Thanks Rachel, you rock.

My awesome host and her son

• May 14 – Our twins are born

Hi! we were just born

• July 20 – My sister gets married and we make our first LOOOONG trek with the babies

Our family

• August 19 – I turn 31. It’s not the most exciting birthday plan wise, but still one for the books since I got to spend it with Bryan, Abby and Miles

Happy Birthday Mama

• August 24 – My first comeback race

She helped me train for my first marathon

• September 19 – Feverish, I get up to go to the bathroom, trip over a bouncy seat and break my first bone

Yeah, its broken

• December 14 – my first comeback half marathon

Like my inhaler belt?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


• Carrying twins to our scheduled c- section day of 38 weeks
• Running a half marathon 7 months post-partum

9. What was your biggest failure?

• Wasting time with worry and stress continues to be my biggest issue
• My biggest FAIL? Tripping over a bouncy seat and breaking my pinky toe

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

• The aforementioned broken toe
• A horrible virus of some kind that took me down for a week and carried with it a 6 day fever. UGH

11. What was the best thing you bought?

• Baby stuff
• New to us SUV

12. Where did most of your money go?

• Mortgage and medical bills

13. What did you get really excited about?

• The babies
• Getting back into running

14. What song will always remind you of 2013

• Hmmm…..probably MUSE – Liquid State. I bet it listened to it the most

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


• – happier or sadder? happier!
• – thinner or fatter?  well thinner, but that’s because I was pregnant for much of the year 🙂
• – richer or poorer? definitely a little poorer, but no complaints here 🙂

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?


• spent more quality time with Bryan

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?


• spend time online and on my phone

18. How did you spend Christmas?

• My parents, sister and brother in law spent the day at our house

Oooh paper. I can eat this?

19. What was your favorite TV program?

• Modern Family
• Dexter
• Sister Wives
• Breaking Bad – we watched the entire series over a matter of a couple weeks

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

• Man, I REALLY didn’t read much this year.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?


• Lady Gaga – Applause
• Imagine Dragons – Radioactive
• AWOLNATION – Sail
• Swedish House Mafia – Don’t You Worry Child
• The Neighhorhood – Sweater Weather

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

• The Hunger Games
• Despicable Me 2
• I didn’t watch that many movies either. I did watch the entire series of Gilmore Girls again though.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

• I turned 31. I honestly don’t remember what we did. I think we went to dinner. I did get an awesome GPS watch and Hybrid bike as gifts. Best husband ever.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

• I don’t think anything would have brought satisfaction that I’d consider immeasurable. I’d have liked to fix up our bathroom or do a few home fix up type things but nothing really necessary. Maybe something that would magically erase my debt?

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

• I so don’t care. I just buy what I think is cute. And on sale. Bonus if its both. (This totally hasn’t changed)

26. What kept you sane?

• My husband
• My friends
• Running
• Blogging

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.


• Healing….every kind, takes time.

Half Marathon Training Runs 3 & 4: My Battle With Negative Splits

I didn’t really familiarize myself with running vocabulary until the last couple of years, and I’m finding its both a blessing and a curse. I was so excited to finish the first few races that I didn’t care much about time or pay much attention to things like pace. Part of the problem become once I realized how fast I COULD go, I began to expect it to be consistent or better each time. This kind of expectation is generally unrealistic and I can really only blame my perfectionism for that.

For those who are unfamiliar, to run with a negative split (race, training or just a fun run) means you’re running the second half of the run slightly faster than the first half. Theoretically, if you start out a bit slower you’ll save some energy for the end to finish strong instead of trudging through the last bit ready to collapse, puke, or both.

I’m traditionally of the “ready to puke” variety. In races particularly, I’m running on adrenaline so I start waaaay too fast and start to die down. For example, my first post baby 5k miles were as follows:

Mile 1 – 7:57

Mile 2 – 8:33

Mile 3 – 8:34

I finished in a totally respectable 26:02, but by the end, I was put a fork in me because I. AM. DONE.

Last weeks’ long run I ran with Lynnsey without much expectation as to time or speed. I haven’t done the exact math but to my estimation it appears that while we didn’t manage a negative split, it was at least pretty close to even.

I can only recall a handful of races where I finished without feeling like I was going to throw up at the end. The one that sticks out in my mind was actually the most recent half marathon at Myrtle Beach. I had an ultimate goal to finish as close to 1:45 as possible but didn’t really expect it to happen. I ran the race by “feel”. In other words, I based my speed on what my body told me. I still finished feeling like I wanted to puke, but it was because I pushed myself even harder at the end once I realized the goal was really within reach. I have no idea if I finished that race with a negative split – I didn’t have a fancy watch at the time, but I WAS able to achieve the goal, did best when I simply paid attention to my body and wasn’t impatient.

I rocked it

I’ve had a couple good mid week “training runs” where I went out without expectation. I started out slowly, and found the energy at the end to not only finish strong, but REALLY strong. In fact just this week I finished the entire last mile of a 6 mile run in 7:20. On the other hand, because I’m still learning whether or not my body will return to its previous speed, when I have a “bad” day, I’m not disappointed.

Today I set out on my long run with a goal: 9 miles at “race pace” or  better.

Today, I had an expectation.

Like usual, I started out too quickly. I didn’t end up doing horribly by any stretch, but when I pushed myself at the end I discovered I hadn’t really run any faster the average for the run. In fact, I was 30 seconds slower than mile 1. There is something about having a goal or expectation that wears my patience thin. It is difficult for me to start out slowly – to slow down at all really. I’m finding this is true in life as well as running – I am impatient, and sometimes because of that, I feel worn out at the end. It’s hard for me to listen to my body’s cues when I have another plan in mind. It’s hard for me to accept a different plan, period. I think if I can go into runs with more “options” (my goal is this, but in the event that I feel tired today, my goal is this instead) I’d be likely to finish more runs like my 6 miler earlier this week. I need to take advantage of the fact that I’m still technically getting back into the swing of things and teach myself a new way to run.

I need to take advantage of the still newness of this parenting gig, go into each day with more “options” and teach myself a new way to handle changes in plans. I  need to teach myself that it isn’t always necessary to start off at full speed, or hit full speed at all. Sometimes, it really pays to slow down.

In running as in life, I am still learning.

Life With Twins – Week 25

Geez, in a week I’m going to have two 6 month olds.

It sounds crazy but really each day that goes by they become more and more fun. Miles has started to babble – mostly when he is chewing on (yes, chewing) his pacifier. His favorite sounds so far are da and ga. I’ve taken them on several runs and it makes me very happy that they tolerate the jogging stroller well. I took on and survived my first stint of solo parenting for 4 days while Bryan went out of town for work. Sleep wasn’t the best but other than that it wasn’t too bad. Afterwards I felt brave and decided to take on my first solo (with babies) trip to the grocery store. Miles sat in a built in infant seat in the cart and I wore Abby. She was an absolute crack up – smiling, laughing and squealing at everything. Miles just stared. Lots of people stared too, but we are used to that. 🙂

Abby isn’t getting on her knees yet but is still making small attempts to scoot. Yikes. Mostly though, she just rolls across the room. She is off to conquer the world, one roll at a time. They have also tried several different kinds of puree, including bananas, peaches and sweet potato. Peaches are not Miles’ favorite. Abby eats whatever we give her. In fact, she starts to get upset when I don’t feed her fast enough. Go figure.

As for me, I went on my first long run (10 miles) now that my toe has healed in preparation for the half in December. I’m also keeping bouncy seats stored in the corners.

Picture time!

• Discovering each other is becoming more interesting

What? She started it

• We celebrate our first Halloween and naturally mom puts us in silly costumes

Look, a bunny and a pumpkin

Bunny butt

Why aren’t YOU wearing a stupid fuzzy costume, mom?

• Someone left a jack o lantern on the front lawn

Jack-O-Lantern boy

• Aunt Natalie and Uncle Greg hang out with us and pass out candy. (No one will give us any candy though)

I am auntie’s favorite girl

• Mom and dad think its funny to try to stack us like blocks

Nice try, dad

• We all go out to eat

We are having lunch

• Finally, Miles decides he wants to get into caffeine at an early age

Coffee please. I was up late last night

Lets Be Honest

I tend to tell it like it is.

Most of the time it’s well received. Ok, maybe not WELL received, but accepted. Others, I feel like I have a case of something like open mouth insert foot syndrome. Regardless, I am who I am. (If you want someone to REALLY tell you how that outfit looks, I’m your girl.) Admittedly, it’s easier for me to be honest in writing. I can just write more eloquently than I can speak. I’ve been told on more than on occasion that they appreciate the honesty in my blog. I think honesty is important. Sugar coating things doesn’t help anyone.

I’ve toyed with the concept of having guest bloggers. I like reading guest posts on other blogs. So I’m writing this to throw the idea out there. I’d like to have a probably twice monthly guest blog. The theme, as you can maybe guess from the title, is honesty. You can write about whatever you want. Really, the options are pretty endless. Share your thoughts on motherhood, your job, infertility, your marriage, your pet goldfish (seriously, endless). Tell how you feel about a life experience big or small, why you think you can’t break a bad habit. Be serious. Be funny. Be both. Whatever. I don’t even care if you have your own blog – if you just follow on Facebook and would like to share something, I’ll post it. Of course I’ll post some of my own.

Maybe I’ll get interest, maybe this will be a flop. But you don’t know until you ask, right?

So, who’s in?

This Week in History

I’m staring at the cursor on the computer screen, albeit a bit distractedly, because out of the corners of my eyes are two pairs of tiny hands and feet.

Last year those hands and feet looked like this

Miles and Abby are the cute ones

Last year I blogged the transfer decision I made on my valium induced high to transfer two embryos. The two embryos that turned into Miles:

Its always a good day for a chomp chomp alligator

And Miss Abby:

Hi, I’m pretty

Last year I wrote a post about Bryan and I, and how we met, because our anniversary happened to be the day after the transfer. I wrote about how I knew he was going to be a great father and I couldn’t wait to make him one. We didn’t do anything for our anniversary that day because he was working out of town. I don’t remember what we said to each other. I do remember not so patiently wondering what the result of our IVF was going to be (I know this is quite shocking to all of you). When I think back on last year I remember feeling a big mixture of feelings. I anticipated good news as much as I dreaded bad. I wondered how we’d afford more treatment, how much longer it could take if it didn’t work. I felt incredibly thankful we could afford it in the first place and that I had such a great man by my side who stuck with me despite all my craziness. I felt a bit empty, like something (or someone(s)) was missing.

This year as I type and watch the babies play, squeal and blow raspberries I again feel a mixture of things. I feel grateful for my family. I feel humbled by motherhood and the journey we took to get here. I feel excited for whats to come. I feel pain for those who are still trudging along in infertility. I think about last year and I feel how I felt then. I feel serene, at peace. It’s an interesting mix.

This year we have another low key anniversary day planned. We both work so there isn’t much time for anything fancy anyway. We are going to leave work, pick up the babies and go to dinner at Red  Lobster for no other reason than its close by and Bryan wants all you can eat shrimp. Sure its kinda lame, but we are going to celebrate our 3rd year of marriage together – all four of us.

As a family.

Our family

This year, I feel full.

Winnie the Pooh Has It Right

Running, motherhood, and life in general after babies has been both easier and harder than I expected.  (So is getting  “older”, as I turned 31 today!) This post has, too, as I’ve been working on it in my head for over a week without any real idea of how its going to start and end.

One of the best and worst things about me, I think, is that I tend to set expectations high. Because of that I often find myself simultaneously proud and disappointed. I’ve almost always been the type to wear many hats. For example: singer, runner, wife, infertile, bad amateur comedienne, girl with really curly hair, speech therapist. Fourteen weeks ago I added another much desired hat: mother. Something about the addition of this hat changes the balancing act. When I’m honest with myself I realize that I’m having difficulty finding my place.

I easily identified myself as an infertile. I found this great community of other women going through something similar who shared great advice, support and excitement when our IVF cycle worked. Now of course my life mostly revolves around the babies and so my blog posts do too. Though a pregnancy doesn’t take away the infertility I find myself feeling more separated because I’m doing what I think most infertiles would respond to with a gasp: actively preventing another pregnancy. I continue to find myself shocked that I am a mother. Even 14 weeks after birth I STILL sometimes feel like I have to return the babies to someone – almost like an extended babysitting gig.  I find aspects of motherhood to be both incredibly rewarding and incredibly frustrating. Though I always knew logically that, infertile or not, there would be difficult parts of it, I still wrestle with guilt when I get frustrated. I seek support from other moms just to make sure its normal. Infertility makes some aspects of motherhood both harder and easier than I expected. I feel like anytime I “complain” I have to back it up with a “I love my babies and wouldn’t trade them for the world” – which I wouldn’t, but I don’t like that I feel like I have to add that. This isn’t the fault of anyone but myself either. No one but me has made me feel guilty. On the other hand, I think generally speaking that all we went through for these babies does make me appreciate motherhood more than I would have otherwise.

I returned to work 3 weeks ago. Despite my desperate proclamations while infertile that I’d happily stay home, I’ve always known that I’m not meant to be a Stay at Home Mom. I worked hard for 6  years to earn my degree and enjoy my job/career. (However I am NOT knocking anyone in a similar boat who decided to stay home – it simply isn’t for me) I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to return to work part time – enough to stay current, converse with adults and contribute a little financially, but not so much that I feel like I miss all of the babies’ “firsts”. I know this set up makes me a better mom. What I’m having trouble with is fitting back into the work crowd, as if the change in status has somehow changed my place there.

As I try to rebuild my speed, stamina and miles, I find I’m not sure how to 100% identify myself as a runner either. I once compared infertility to a marathon, noting the ups and downs of training and the race itself. There were points in both where I really had to work to muster the energy to keep going, knowing in the end it would be worth it.  I’m not really sure of the reason for this “identity crisis”, if you will, I just know that sometimes lately I feel a bit uncomfortable in my own skin. I guess I had this expectation that I would just slide right into this entirely new role seamlessly and without much effort, which in hindsight is pretty unrealistic.  hopped on the treadmill the other day for a run that was supposed to be an easy one: 3-4 miles at a 10min/mile pace. About a mile and a half in, though, I was tired. I stopped, frustrated, unable to understand why this easy run suddenly required so much effort. I took a break and after a few minutes realized I wasn’t just frustrated by the effort of the run, but also with the transition that I crazily expected to be “easy”. Its funny how frustrations tend to make themselves known in other ways.

One of my favorite quotes also comes from one of my favorite cartoons: Winnie the Pooh.

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think”

I don’t know what the solution is. I do know that after a few minutes rest I got back on the treadmill and finished the run. I have as many hard runs as easy ones but usually finish them all (unless an injury is involved). I thought to myself as I finished the workout that I have a better appreciation for running because it makes me push myself and realize I have more stamina and strength than I think. I am stronger than I seem. For now I’m still working on balancing all of this.I’m still not sure how to be a good wife/mom/runner/coworker/speech therapist etc all at the same time. The balance will come. Until then, I keep running – remembering the wise words of Winnie. Because who wouldn’t follow a big fluffy bears’ advice?

Stuff I Want My Kids to Know #5: Remember What’s Important

Humans are inherently selfish.

Dr. Phil used to be one of my “guilty pleasure” shows up until even a few months ago. (By the time you guys are old enough to read this, you’ll have no idea what show I’m talking about.) I quit watching it because the people on the show started to DRIVE.ME.CRAZY fighting until the end in their attempt to justify whatever stupid behavior they involved themselves in.

This isn’t to say I’m not guilty of this. We all are. Somewhere in the mess though, the bigger picture gets lost. Until you have kids, your life is about you; maybe you and your spouse but mostly you.  (Hopefully you’ll compromise with your husband/wife periodically, though. 😉 )

When you guys were born one of the first things your dad said he thought was “wow, it’s not about me anymore”. People tell you that but it doesn’t hit home until you are handed your baby and suddenly everything about your life changes. Now I get why people live in houses they hate so they don’t have to move their kids away from their friends. I start to get why couples think it’s better to stay together “for the kids”. The things in life that used to hold value still do, just to a lesser degree. I’m finding that in most cases what makes me happy is your happiness. I used to say finishing a marathon was my proudest moment  – but then I gave birth, life changed, and so did my proudest moment. I used to say a 10 mile run was my days’ best accomplishment – until you both smiled back at me. My priorities and perspective took a drastic shift. Life is no longer about me, it’s about the two of you.

We all have our own agendas. I think we need to in order to not lose ourselves. What’s so frustrating are those people who absolutely CANNOT let go of theirs. You’ll know who I mean. Don’t be one of them.  You both will have many relationship bumps over the years. Some totally warranted; others not at all. You’ll get angry; someone will get angry with you.  Some issues will be huge and life changing, some you’ll laugh about later because you can’t even remember why you were angry in the first place. When that does happen though, remember this: your friend, dad, son, brother etc is not a mind reader. Talk about whatever the issue is. Resolve it – or not. You can always agree to disagree. But don’t shoulder an unnecessary grudge. Learn what things are worth fighting over and what things are best let go. Be the bigger person. Be the adult. Don’t lose sight of the bigger picture.

Remember what is most important.

Stuff I Want My Kids to Know #3: Fail Isn’t Always a Four Letter Word

Growing up we are taught to avoid the use of certain four letter words. They are coined bad words and words that we should not use until we are adults, and even then can be seen as rude an inappropriate. (One of my favorite four letter words begins with an “F” simply because it can be used as just about every part of speech in the English language, but I digress.) Four letter words aren’t limited to cuss words. Others have been given a bad rap, like diet. Regardless, they are seen as unpleasant and something that we try to avoid.

Let me just preface this by saying I don’t like to “fail”. I studied my butt off in school and try to do the best that I know how with both the small and large things in life in order to avoid failure. Whether due to hard work, talent, just plain dumb luck or a combination of all three, I’ve been mostly successful. I’ve managed to avoid “failing” in most of the things I have attempted. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

It isn’t all sunshine and roses, however, because part of the problem is that I am traditionally afraid of failure. I was notorious for this until about my mid 20’s – I never tried out for a school play (though I was lucky and found a local theater as an adult and pulled some courage together), never took a dance class in college and for awhile swore I’d never marry again because I didn’t want to repeat that failure. The fears dictated the choices I made, both large and small.

I was first married at the age of 22. My then husband and I had dated from my junior year of high school.   As a member of the Air Force, my ex looked forward to a life of traveling and fairly frequent deployments, a lifestyle I was not ready for. Our personalities were different. Our interests were different. Our goals were different. But we loved each other and I believed, naively, that love could conquer all. I learned later that this love was different. I was a different person then: anxious, worried, still suffering from some depression and disordered eating habits and had very little self confidence. This love stemmed, at least for me, from a form of dependence. What others’ saw before we even married I couldn’t see except in hindsight.

That relationship ended about 5 years later, and was something I had a very difficult time dealing with even though I was the one who left. I was only 27 and my marriage had failed. It was the biggest failure I had to deal with in my lifetime. Regardless of what he may have ever said or done I still firmly believe that it takes two for a marriage to succeed and two for it to fail. I absolutely played my part. I was too needy, too dependent, not confident or self sufficient enough. It wasn’t on purpose – I didn’t know any differently, but in the end I contributed to the separation as much as he had. While going through the motions of divorce and the logistics of separation at times I felt even more miserable than I had in the relationship. I felt like a failure. Because of that feeling, I couldn’t allow myself to look for someone different who might truly compliment me. It ruled how I lived my life.

Through the help of a no nonsense, tell it like it is therapist (which I appreciated) I sucked it up and ventured forward. And boy am I glad I did. Because today I sit here, married to a man who truly DOES compliment me, one that I’ve grown to love MORE as time goes on and not become more annoyed with, one that is really my best friend – something I thought didn’t really exist.

I get that not trying out for school plays and avoiding dance classes are small in the grand scheme of things and have likely not drastically altered the course of my life. What comes from all these fears of failure though, big or small, is one central thing: lacking the courage to try.

Never be afraid to fail. It’s going to happen. I am going to make some small and large mom failures with you guys. What seems the most important to me, though, isn’t the failures but what you learned from them. Had I not experienced that massive relationship failure I wouldn’t be where I am right now – feeling just about the most blessed I have in my life. Do the best that you know how with the information that you have and try, for both the big and little things and I think you’ll be able to avoid the biggest four letter word (in my opinion): regret.

Besides, sometimes FAIL can be funny.

Head back to your seat, buddy

 

Totally would have given credit for this

(pic source 1 and 2)  (pic source 3 and 4)