I’ve been in a weird place lately.
I know I’ve mentioned at least once that I’ve had a hard time putting together any cohesive thoughts for a blog post outside of something that already comes with an outline. As someone who thrives on organization, when my brain gets disorganized tend to cling onto anything that already has the steps written out for me. As if that is going to fix the jumbled mess. I feel scatterbrained. I write things down and still forget them.
There has been a lot up in the air in our lives lately and as a result I’m having trouble trusting what I already know. My job change brought with it some unforeseen issues and is moving along a little more slowly than anticipated. We’ve been awaiting news on a permanent teaching position for Bryan for awhile now and it still looks like no answer is coming anytime soon. I feel the uncertainty bleeding into other areas of my life – how I feel about myself as a professional, how I handle change, my running and training, how I’m raising the twins.
I went into my marathon training fully aware that my plan had me accumulating fewer miles than many do. My whole focus was to finish uninjured and not worry about time because it took me many months to increase my mileage enough to even consider training for one. Still, here I sit, 3.5 weeks from race day wondering if I made the right decision.
I went into this job change aware that things were going to be crazy and possibly unpredictable for awhile. Now there is a large part of me wondering why I, a person who thrives on predictability and consistent scheduIes, made a change that means there is a decent chance that scheduling changes can happen often and without much notice. A change that means very little predictability.
It is difficult while you are in the mess of anxiety to remember that the decisions you made were made for sound reasons, to remember that you once felt confident in the decision. I often hear runners tell those who are fretting about an upcoming race to “trust your training”. I’m finding it one of the hardest things to do, not only in terms of running but life in general. It’s so easy to get caught up in what if’s and anxieties, forgetting why you’re on the journey you’re on in the first place. Sometimes, you just need to be patient and remember that you’re on this path for a reason.
I am trying.