I’ve been in a weird place lately.
I know I’ve mentioned at least once that I’ve had a hard time putting together any cohesive thoughts for a blog post outside of something that already comes with an outline. As someone who thrives on organization, when my brain gets disorganized tend to cling onto anything that already has the steps written out for me. As if that is going to fix the jumbled mess. I feel scatterbrained. I write things down and still forget them.
There has been a lot up in the air in our lives lately and as a result I’m having trouble trusting what I already know. My job change brought with it some unforeseen issues and is moving along a little more slowly than anticipated. We’ve been awaiting news on a permanent teaching position for Bryan for awhile now and it still looks like no answer is coming anytime soon. I feel the uncertainty bleeding into other areas of my life – how I feel about myself as a professional, how I handle change, my running and training, how I’m raising the twins.
I went into my marathon training fully aware that my plan had me accumulating fewer miles than many do. My whole focus was to finish uninjured and not worry about time because it took me many months to increase my mileage enough to even consider training for one. Still, here I sit, 3.5 weeks from race day wondering if I made the right decision.
I went into this job change aware that things were going to be crazy and possibly unpredictable for awhile. Now there is a large part of me wondering why I, a person who thrives on predictability and consistent scheduIes, made a change that means there is a decent chance that scheduling changes can happen often and without much notice. A change that means very little predictability.
It is difficult while you are in the mess of anxiety to remember that the decisions you made were made for sound reasons, to remember that you once felt confident in the decision. I often hear runners tell those who are fretting about an upcoming race to “trust your training”. I’m finding it one of the hardest things to do, not only in terms of running but life in general. It’s so easy to get caught up in what if’s and anxieties, forgetting why you’re on the journey you’re on in the first place. Sometimes, you just need to be patient and remember that you’re on this path for a reason.
I am trying.
Journey To the Finish Line 
January 20, 2015 at 2:25 pm
Trying is all we can do. I totally understand change/lack of control being overwhelming {I had a meltdown before because I realized I was out of milk and the store was closed}. Hang in there. You’re encouraging me, if that helps at all. I’m less than 2 months out from my 1st marathon and haven’t run more than 8 miles at a clip. In times like these, I tell myself to trust that I was smart enough at one point to make a clear plan, even if the current moment is a mental jumble. One step at a time {no pun intended} 🙂
January 20, 2015 at 2:28 pm
Thank you I appreciate that 🙂
January 20, 2015 at 2:44 pm
Times of transition can be very hard. Hang in there! This path of transition will not last forever and you will find a new normal. Keep your focus on the things that matter to you and let that lead you through this time of uncertainty. Think of this tough time as if it’s your marathon training. You will feel so proud of what you’ve accomplished when you’re at the other end!
January 20, 2015 at 3:17 pm
I think you’re doing a great job. I also think you’re at the point in race training where everyone has doubts. 2 weeks before Charleston, and 3 weeks before my marathon, I thought the same thing… wondering maybe I could’ve done more, etc. Truth is, I felt like that because I realized that was the point where I could not do much else to *help* my training (but i could’ve done a lot to hinder it). The hay was in the barn, so to speak.
Ultimately the goal is to finish the marathon injury free and do the best you can, not to just run a whole bunch of miles. Everyone’s body handles training differently and in the end, we are all just doing this for fun and to be healthy. No use in running 50 mpw or even 20 mpw if you get injured or aren’t enjoying the process.
January 20, 2015 at 3:22 pm
Just keep moving… keep going. Keep doing. It is being still that puts you behind. You don’t have to finish first, but you do have to finish. If only for yourself! 🙂 We’re all behind you…
January 20, 2015 at 4:49 pm
Thank you!!
January 20, 2015 at 5:53 pm
Sending you good energy as you continue on this path! Just remember to breathe!
January 21, 2015 at 9:12 am
As a person who generally thrives during times of certainty and predictability, I say we gotta embrace the surprises! It makes things more interesting. 😉 🙂
January 22, 2015 at 4:08 pm
It IS hard to stay confident in decisions when they also create hard situations. But it’s a process and with time, it’ll get easier. And I totally think you’re going to nail your race!
January 23, 2015 at 6:11 am
This is true! So many times I’ve wondered whether I’ve done the right thing or not- in fitness and life in general. But the old adage, “things happen for a reason” has always reminded me that there is a benefit to every downside! I worried when I had to stop training due to injury, but not running brought me back to yoga. And I love it! It’s also strengthened me for my return to running. So, hang in there. Maybe something awesome is coming for you but you just can’t see it yet!