I have not been super consistent with this plan to participate in Kindness Friday, and even though I’m naturally a couple days late I’m taking the better late than never approach.
In being so focused on reaching each milestone in this pregnancy, I seem to have forgotten to acknowledge something.
We are officially in the home stretch.
As in, we will have babies in 23 days or less.
I had planned to try to continue working full time until the end of April, however the physical stress of carrying 10lbs (or what I assume is 10lbs at this point) of baby began to take a toll on my back and I was forced to stop a week early. Once I hit a point where I needed to leave work early twice in one week I knew it was time to stop. At my appt on Thursday I requested a doc note allowing me to begin maternity leave. Thankfully it was granted without an issue. I probably technically could have stopped that day but the OCD in me wanted to finish out an entire week and end on a Friday. (Plus I only work a half day on Friday anyway)
Bryan pointed out that I seemed a bit crabby Friday morning and while I hadn’t felt particularly different, it was in the car on the way to work that I mentally acknowledged he may be right. The decision to stop working had been made somewhat short notice and suddenly it hit me that I was on my way to work for the last time. Well, I’m going back part time after the babies are here, so not the last time forever, but suddenly it hit me that shit.is.about.to.change.
Bryan and I have a brief conversation daily about that, usually consisting of me saying we are going to have two babies soon and commenting on how challenging its going to be, Bryan responding “piece of cake” and my asking if he really has any idea what we are in for. He laughs, swears he does, and then we move on.
Friday, though, it really hit me. My usual work routine? Done. Really everything about usual is beginning to turn into a different usual, and even though this is what we had fought for for three long years, I’ll admit that for just a few moments I started to panic – mostly about my abilities to care for TWO babies simultaneously. In those moments I was not very kind to myself.
I understand that its natural to go through periods where one questions her ability to be a good mother. I had just been fairly confident about it (while admitting to myself that it was indeed going to be difficult and I would likely have periods where I felt like a failure) up until then. It has taken quite a few moments of refocusing in the last few days to not allow myself to fall into a tailspin of “WTF am I doing I have no idea what I’m doing what the hell was I thinking?” I’m using this blog post to serve as a reminder:
Motherhood is going to be hard.
But I can do it.
One day at a time. I worked as a nanny for a time. I work with kids. I can and will figure this out. I am absolutely capable of caring for two babies, and believe, at least in this case that if I couldn’t handle it, I wouldn’t have been blessed with two. Do I have any idea what I’m doing? A little, but not much. But who does?
I can do this.
And on the plus side, being home from work gives me time to brainstorm a post or two for National Infertility Awareness Week.
Also, if you are here from ICLW, welcome! We are currently expecting twins after IVF and 3 years of infertility sometime in the next 23 days. Feel free to visit the pages on our IVF cycle, or even pregnancy pics if you’re feeling up to it. There is also a page on our infertility history.
April 21, 2013 at 10:47 am
Yes, you CAN do it. Caring for one baby is hard some days and I imagine caring for two will be ten times that, but you are so strong and you have made it through a long period of infertility. You can make it through this! And I guess when the going gets tough, you can always just think of those parents who have three babies at one time, or four, or five… 🙂
April 21, 2013 at 12:14 pm
OMG I watch episodes of Baby Story or Make Room for Multiples with triplets or more and think to myself thank goodness we only have two. lol
April 21, 2013 at 11:01 am
You are going to be a GREAT mamma and take such good care of those babies. I can’t believe how close you are. SO exciting. I’m hoping I can make it to 33 weeks with work. My goal is June 14th…I’ll but just over 33 weeks. I bet it is so strange to not have work anymore. Sending many thoughts that you can rest and relax in these next several days leading up to the big day!!
April 21, 2013 at 11:26 am
I think everything you are going through is perfectly NORMAL! You and Bryan will be great parents – there is nothing a child needs more than parents that want and love them! I remember in my (what I thought was my 8th month of pregnancy – my almost 9 lb baby was three weeks before my due date) thinking, “I’m not ready to be a mother.” I was married, we had a house, we were relatively stable, but I thought there’s no way I can be responsible for someone else! Almost 21 years later, I have two great boys and you do it, whether you feel ready or not. You guys are going to be great – just know that and two at a time will be difficult, but you don’t know anything else! That part in itself is probably a blessing – if you already had a single child and then had twins, it would probably be a lot more overwhelming – you will be fine! And congrats on getting to this point, you should be proud of yourself!
April 21, 2013 at 12:13 pm
I keep getting told that at least we won’t know any different (taking care of two vs one). That is a very good point!!
April 21, 2013 at 2:50 pm
I’m glad you are resting and stopped working. 🙂 I’ve been worried you’ll have those babies at work! Strange how instantly we connect with others in our situations. I don’t know you in “real” life but I feel like because of our journeys I’m connected to your story somehow.
Your post is so real. I think all new mothers get those thoughts as it comes down to the date. Us twinners even more maybe. Although its interesting that husbands don’t worry about two at once as much as we do. I wish I could be as chill about it as them. Lol.
Enjoy your time off! 🙂 get lots of sleep because I hear we don’t get much once they are here. 😉
April 21, 2013 at 3:11 pm
Here from ICLW… congratulations! Twins! That’s so exciting! Though I do understand your trepidation- shit IS about to change. And it’s a big adjustment, but one that is so worth making! None of us had any idea what we were doing at the beginning (hell- I STILL don’t, much of the time), but everything does fall in to place. You’ll be fine… rest up, and enjoy your down time! 🙂
April 21, 2013 at 4:23 pm
I’ve already admitted to myself that I’m totally just winging it with this whole parenthood thing and trusting that I’ll know what to do (or google will). We’ll be okay but maybe a little crazy from sleep deprivation.
April 21, 2013 at 4:23 pm
Congratulations on your pregnancy and the imminent arrival of your twins. I have no doubt you can do it but I do understand the fears. I remember thinking “what the hell am I doing” when I was pregnant with my first. Just remember to be kind to yourself and it will all be good.
April 21, 2013 at 4:36 pm
Definitely normal feelings 🙂 And I don’t think they go away completely for a very long time! But you know you’re going to be fine. I don’t know much about having multiples, but from what I do know, I think the hardest part is just ahead of you, (the birth, recovery, and getting the feeding under control) and it won’t last long and will get easier from there. Every day I just kept telling myself “I am one day closer to being out of this!” because the initial few weeks with feeding and sleeping were tough. But in the thick of it all, I just kept trying to enjoy the moments for what they were and look at how tiny my baby was and take him in, knowing that he will never be this small ever again. For me, personally, my mantra for #2 will be that I just need to get through the first 2 months, and then it will start to get fun and easier.
I cannot believe you are 23 days away (or less!) And yay for being done with work! I’m happy for you (but totally jealous) that when you go back, it will only be part time. Enjoy what time you have left 🙂
April 21, 2013 at 7:43 pm
You will be fine! Granted I just had one baby, but I also had no partner. If you are like me (and the fight it took for you to have these babies show a similarity), you will be in awe of them. Sleep when they do and take any help that is offered, soon taking care of them will be second nature and it will be weird when you aren’t with them! So happy for you and your miracles!!!
April 22, 2013 at 6:40 am
Congratulations on the twins. Very awesome.
Motherhood is hard. But I think approaching it with a level of honest expectation like that will make a big difference.
April 22, 2013 at 7:44 am
You are almost there!!!
April 22, 2013 at 4:10 pm
Just stopping by from ICLW. Congratulations on your pregnancy! You can totally do it =) I have 1-year-old twins (IVF, after 2 years of trying), and it’s hard, but I think it’s hard whether you have 1 baby or 2…maybe harder with 3, 4, or 5 though lol. You’ll figure it out, and you have already have a great attitude about it. For what it’s worth, we’re currently in the 2ww for baby #3, which tells you that we enjoyed the experience with 1&2 enough to go back for more!
April 22, 2013 at 4:53 pm
Good to know! I am not sure if we will try to have more children but I have certainly appreciated all the support and cheers I’ve gotten with this post. Any advice for a soon to be twin mom? Looking forward to visiting your blog and fingers crossed during your current TWW
April 22, 2013 at 4:15 pm
Hi from ICLW. Hoping that you have an easy delivery.
April 22, 2013 at 8:05 pm
And then the babies are here, and you think you have a routine, and it lasts for exactly one week and then you start over again. Every time our routine changes I get extremely crabby and anxious until it settles again.
I can’t even describe what it’s like with this kind of new normal. It is a constant rollercoaster, I guess!
April 22, 2013 at 8:56 pm
Hi from ICLW! Yay for the home stretch!
You CAN do it! Motherhood isn’t easy, but you’ll find the good parts totally outweigh the bad.
I still find myself asking, “WTH did I do?” but then my little guy smiles or does something new and I realize I don’t know what I’d do without him 🙂