Today marks 9 weeks.
And I have, somewhat inadvertently, wished most of it away by doing things like counting down days to to the next appointment or ultrasound. I swore to myself many moons ago that I would enjoy every day of being pregnant, and in some ways I have, but in many others I’m wishing time away.
Pregnancy has been extremely nice to me. I’m not sick. My fatigue is mostly limited to recent wishes to spend more time on the couch. I don’t have headaches or nausea. I don’t have food aversions. I do get some light headed-ness, but my biggest “complaints” surround hunger, thirst and potty breaks. Oh, and some interrupted sleep. I can already see myself growing.
And instead of enjoying it, I worry.
At 4 weeks I worried about BETA levels. At 5 weeks I worried about BETA levels still. At 6 weeks I worried about seeing heartbeats. At 8 weeks I worried about those heartbeats disappearing. Even now knowing my risk of miscarriage is much lower, I still worry.
Some of this is the nature of having gone through infertility. We know all the things that can go wrong. If it hasn’t happened to us, we’ve seen it happen to others. But this is getting ridiculous. I cannot spend an entire pregnancy worrying. I refuse to get to the end of this and realize I worried the entire pregnancy away.
In my defense, I’m not worrying ALL THE TIME, and I know some worrying is normal, but this is too much.
Belle @ Scrambled Eggs posted a fabulous quote recently:
“If you get caught up in the worst case scenario and it doesn’t happen, you’ve wasted your time. And if you are caught up in the worst case scenario and it does happen, you’ve lived it twice.” -Michael J. Fox
Good call, Mr Fox.
It’s time to let go.
October 24, 2012 at 8:49 pm
GREAT quote. I’m glad you’re able to let go and double glad you’re feeling so well! Can’t wait for more updates! 🙂
October 24, 2012 at 8:55 pm
I am with you completely! I felt the same way for the first 10.5 weeks and then somehow it all lifted at our OB appt that week when I saw the baby again. I hope the worry lifts for you soon. It is sooo hard to let it all go when you have been through so much and have seen so much in the lives of your friends around you. I’m just so excited for you and excited to watch your pregnancy unfold with these 2 precious little ones! Hugs!
October 25, 2012 at 9:14 pm
Sadly, my OB is not doing another ultrasound until 20 weeks. They are using my 8 week fertility ultrasound as my dating ultrasound. We have another appt in 3 weeks though and so we will get to hear heartbeats at least.
October 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm
I admit… it is hard to let go. At 33 weeks, I still have bouts of worry. Some weeks are better than others. And I know, even after the Bean comes into this world, my worries will never let up. It’s worse (I think) for those of us who’ve struggled through infertility. But, it’s a Mother’s nature to worry, I think. It’s part of being a parent. 🙂
I allow myself a certain degree of worry. I’ve always been a “give me as much info as possible” kind of gal. I sort through it and in the end, I manage to give up some of my worry that way. That doesn’t work for everyone; sometimes knowing too much makes it worse for some people.
But you will find a way to let it go. Or allow yourself a certain degree and then move on. You’re strong. You’ve come this far… you’ll see this through.
For what it’s worth… your post came at a good time tonight for me. I was having a brand new worry and now I’m just going to let it go. Talk myself through it and release that worry. So… thank you.
October 24, 2012 at 9:32 pm
Practice letting go again and again. I know I’ve had the exact same thoughts and worries at the same points in my pregnancy. I’m now nearly 23 weeks and I still have worries crop up occasionally, but I try to remind myself that I can only control so much. All that is to say, don’t beat yourself up if you can’t completely let go. Commit to yourself that you’ll acknowledge the worry and then move on from it. I think a certain amount of worry is normal in this process, we are mamas after all, but after infertility I think we can definitely have a tendency to worry about WAY too much and become consumed by the worry.
October 25, 2012 at 9:12 pm
I try to remind myself that the odds are definitely in our favor now, and that helps. Distractions do too. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy so I’m going to try very hard to not let the anxiety get to me too much!
October 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm
That’s what I worry about when (notice I said when) get pregnant. Infertility robs of so much. What I wouldn’t give to get pregnant in ignorance. Sweet ignorance. Hope the joy floats to the top for you. (You sure as hell deserve it!)
October 25, 2012 at 9:11 pm
The possibility for ignorance is totally gone, unfortunately. And I can’t wait to follow YOUR pregnancy story!
October 24, 2012 at 11:42 pm
I’ve thought about this quite a bit… when does one stop worrying. The answer… I dont think you ever do. As a parent of a baby I will worry. When they grow up we will worry. It wont stop. My conclusion, call me crazy, but I feel as though I became a crazy parent the minute I had hopes for these embryos. I worried the minute they existed. If you would have ever told me I’d be this person, I’d of laughed in your face. Now I have hopes plans, and dreams… for my embryos. How can you not worrry? I do know what you mean about letting go… it’s just so hard. I know I sound liike a crazy person, but once you have been exposed to the ugly side of this it makes letting go that much more difficult. I’m not even pregnant. I guess what Im saying is I worry out of love even though I know there is no coontrol here whatsoever. I know it’s not rational and Im rambling because I know I sound like a wacko.
October 25, 2012 at 7:34 am
No you don’t like a wacko at all! In fact one person responded to my worry by saying ” welcome to motherhood “. Pretty fitting isn’t it?
October 25, 2012 at 12:25 am
Yes it is! I really hope you can do this for yourself. Letting go of the worry, that is. I’ve told you before, but I worried my whole first pregnancy away. And while I did still enjoy it, there was always a dark cloud hanging over me. I felt a constant sense of doom. I don’t wish that on anyone, and especially not someone who worked so hard to achieve a pregnancy. Please enjoy it! Cherish it. It’s impossible to not worry at ALL, but do try to contain it and to trust in your body and your babies and to hope for the best. If it means anything at all, I don’t believe those little babes are going anywhere! You’re stuck with them. 🙂
And how freaking fabulous that pregnancy is being so kind to you. That’s shocking, especially since you’re carrying two peas in your pod. You are one lucky little mama!
October 25, 2012 at 1:08 am
I am struggling right now. And time is going so slow.
October 25, 2012 at 9:10 pm
hugs, I’m here if you need me
October 25, 2012 at 5:04 am
I’m so proud of you! I have joined an 8 week mindfulness group and it is helping tremendously. The leader encourages us to take our worries or fears and examine them and then visualize yourself opening a window and letting them go. I am trying to do that. Worry: No heartbeat at my first ultrasound. Examine: Yes, there is a chance this could happen, but odds are still in my favor it won’t. Every pregnancy is different and just because I lost one does not mean I’ll lose them all. Letting go: I’ll let this worry go. Cue opening window or whatever your letting go visualization is.
This might sound incredibly daft but it is working for me. I don’t want to ignore and repress my worries, because then they build up. At the same time, harping on them will only hurt me more. So I acknowledge and set free. Maybe you can try the same thing?
October 25, 2012 at 7:30 am
What a fabulous idea.
October 25, 2012 at 9:08 pm
October 25, 2012 at 9:10 pm
that’s a fabulous idea – I wonder if they have anything like that around here…
October 25, 2012 at 8:32 am
I feel like I could have written this post (actually I have written posts almost identical to this). It is so hard to not be constantly worried about something. There is always a chance that something could go wrong, but that doesn’t mean it will. I try to remind myself, like others mentioned, that this is a different pregnancy. I started seeing a therapist again to help me deal with my anxiety surrounding my current pregnancy and that has seemed to help me out. She helps me practice deep breathing and meditation which really makes me feel more relaxed. Congrats on making it to 9 weeks! I hope that you can start to find some peace and settle into things.
October 25, 2012 at 9:08 pm
I’ve thought about therapy myself if it gets worse. So far I’m able to distract myself but its a small step further into lots of anxiety. I try to tell myself that the odds are greatly in our favor at this point….that helps some.
October 25, 2012 at 8:36 am
I think I have finally let go or almost there…the OB pretty much said there is nothing that can be done right now if there was a problem…I am going to enjoy this pregnancy to its fullest and hope for the best
October 25, 2012 at 9:07 pm
Yeah I try to think of that – and the fact that odds are definitely in our favor at this point
October 25, 2012 at 8:48 am
I think you’re in the clear enough to let go – at least a little. I’m also horribly jealous of your lack of symptoms. You’re so, SO lucky!
October 25, 2012 at 8:56 am
I know I am incredibly lucky. However I Have issues appreciating it sometimes. Not on purpose but because of my worry.
October 25, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Great quote. I’m going to have to steal that and put it somewhere so that I can remind myself of it when I’m freaking out about the possibility of something happening again.
Glad everything is going so well in your pregnancy!
October 25, 2012 at 9:06 pm
Please do – I remind myself of that quote daily!
October 25, 2012 at 2:48 pm
I love that quote, too. You’ve worked so hard to get pregnant that I think it’s normal for you to be worried. I also think that once we know those little babies are in our bellies, our “mother” senses kick in, and we feel as though we would do anything for them. Don’t be too hard on yourself! 🙂
October 25, 2012 at 9:09 pm
that is a good point!
October 25, 2012 at 8:10 pm
Hey… first thanks for stopping by my blog. I replied to your comment.
Second, congrats! Remember how hard you worked to get there and you will always protect those you love.
An ICLW Visit from #2
liddy @ the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, life)
October 25, 2012 at 9:09 pm
yes you are right. Hope you come by Charleston sometime 🙂
October 25, 2012 at 10:31 pm
Some things just come with the territory of IF. Sadly worry is probably the most gifted present of all…..
I agree with Liddy…try to remember the fight to get there and enjoy the reward. 🙂
October 26, 2012 at 6:20 am
I love that quote and will keep it in mind as I try to ease up on my own anxiety. Glad you are feeling so well!
October 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Hi from ICLW! Congrats on your pregnancy 🙂
October 28, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Such a great feeling!