The roller coaster ride does not end when you find out you are pregnant.
The last few weeks (and probably still for the next upcoming few) have been a mix of emotions including (this list is not all inclusive) joy, anxiety, worry, peace, happiness, fear, panic. Not to mention that I feel a little between two worlds with this blog right now – hovering between the realms of infertility and pregnancy. My intention has always been to keep writing about the journey no matter where it took us, pregnancy included. I just haven’t quite figured out how to do it – how to share the pregnancy journey while staying sensitive to those still battling. I’ve started to read blogs and be completely at a loss for words as to how to comment because I simply do not feel like I truly belong in either category.
At times I find myself thinking about a future baby shower, a growing belly (which, by the way, is already pooch-y), feeling the first kicks. Then I begin to panic when I wonder if we are equipped mentally and financially for TWO babies. (must.buy.two.of.everything! must.save.all.the.money!). Then I tell myself to stop getting too far ahead when we could still lose one…or both, and then I begin to picture the worst case scenario. It’s exhausting. Sometimes I am thankful for mild symptoms because it allows me to put it out of my head for bit when I’m making myself crazy (other than the constant eating and trips to the bathroom, anyway). But other times it makes me worry something is wrong. And I think about blogging but stop myself because I don’t want it to sound like I’m complaining. Or that I am not thrilled. I am not trying to complain. I AM thrilled.This is just the way it is.
ADD brain doesn’t help – a couple days ago I put gas in my car and forgot to put the cap back on. Luckily Bryan was with me, noticed, and fixed it before I drove away with the gas cap dangling in wind. I can now totally appreciate the fact that my gas cap is attached (I have NEVER done this before either!)
So to you, crazy emotions, An Ode:
Hooray, I am pregnant!
Holy shit, there’s two!
Man, I sure am hungry
Can I steal a bite from you?
Oh my can we afford this?
Don’t think too far ahead
The thought of something going wrong
It fills my heart with dread
The though of little heartbeats, though
That fills my heart with glee
I promise I’ll enjoy this
Just as soon as I go pee
Journey To the Finish Line 
October 8, 2012 at 10:25 pm
This might be the comment where I get hate mail, but I personally don’t understand the notion of cheering a person on, genuinely hoping they get pregnant, then when they do… To turn your back on them. To each their own. This is your place to blog about whatever you feel like.
I am genuinely happy for you. You suffered in the trenches just like the rest of us. You worry just like the rest of us. Your eyes have been open to all of the ugly… That makes you one of us forever.
Feel free to complain. I think we all know you are over the moon happy to be pregnant. You are human, infertility didn’t change that. You are entitled to feelings. -xoxo
October 9, 2012 at 6:12 am
The sad part is if I were you I would have told me the same thing , but now suddenly being on the other side I fear being shunned or something.
Speaking of shunned, have you watched breaking Amish? It’s like a train wreck! I can’t stop watching!
Anyway, thank you 🙂 and 3 inch needles are NEVER fun
October 9, 2012 at 6:31 am
Omg! I have been watching Breaking Amish. I actually feel bad watching it. That girl with no teeth! I’ve been brushing extra hard every night. That other girl… ” some people are afraid of clowns. I’m afraid of people without teeth.” I die! That taxi driver guy… Hilarious. Oh man, and that couple… Its awful. I actually feel like I’m watching weird illiterate colonial porn. They creep me out.
October 9, 2012 at 6:42 am
Omg weird illiterate colonial porn. I LOL’d!!
October 8, 2012 at 10:32 pm
By the way, if you want me to get this complain train started… My ass hurts from the PIO. BAD!!! Am I a bad person because I’m not thrilled about a 3 inch needle being shoved in my ass daily? Probably not. 😉
October 10, 2012 at 7:16 am
I think we infertiles have more of a right to bitch while pregnant. I mean we are already physically mentally and emotionally drained before we even make it to that point. I think many of us infertile gals will appreciate an honest portrayal of pregnancy. Both the good and the bad
October 9, 2012 at 4:11 am
KayBee above already said everything I was going to say, so just go and read her comments again 🙂
-M.
October 9, 2012 at 8:17 pm
lol will do! Thanks 🙂
October 9, 2012 at 8:06 am
I felt the same way with my journal. I didn’t quite know how to make the transition once I was pregnant. So… the journal got neglected.
I’d like to tell you the roller coaster slows down, that eventually you get past some of the anxiety and worry, but I have yet to find this to be true. 31 weeks in and I still worry constantly.
I will give you a helpful little tip though (actually two):
1. If you can, get one of those doppler monitors. I borrowed one from a friend and it has been a super calming tool for when I really worried about the Bean.
2. Don’t be afraid to call your doctor about anything and everything. Even if you think it’s stupid – just hearing the doctor or nurse explain something is “perfectly normal”, what is going on and when you should be concerned has been a godsend for me and my sanity. It’s good to remember – we’ve been through a lot to get to this point and sometimes may need that extra re-assurance.
And one final tip – enjoy every moment. Even through each new ache and pain, sleepless night, morning sickness, pee every 10 seconds, food craving moment… I am just so fascinated with the process my body is going through. No… it’s not easy (at least it hasn’t been for me), but I remind myself that in two more months it will all be so very worth it. It makes the changes I’ve gone through that much more fascinating. We are pretty darn amazing – We’re growing life. 🙂
October 9, 2012 at 8:17 pm
A friend of mine has a facebook profile picture that I totally want to steal – it says something like “I’m so amazing, I make people”,
October 9, 2012 at 8:14 am
Don’t hold back on my account! I fully appreciate that pregnancy after infertility is a difficult, if wonderful, thing. I hope one day to have the chance to worry like this, and will continue to follow your journey to motherhood. Hopefully I won’t be too far behind you x
October 9, 2012 at 8:36 am
I understand and feel like I went through something similar myself. So I started a whole new blog and still am in the process of figuring out what it is!
I hope the roller coaster ends soon for you and you find your own place where you just feel……happy 🙂 You deserve that. Wishing bubbles and squishy lots of love and luck!
October 9, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Thanks!!
October 9, 2012 at 10:29 am
I totally get where your coming from…I am def starting a new blog with the pregnancy once I hit the 8 week mark…I will still post from time to time on my IVF blog and def link it but I feel a bit guilty to post about pregnancy when there are sooo many girls/guys still struggling
October 9, 2012 at 8:16 pm
yeah I hear ya – I’m not going to create a new blog but might post some kind of disclaimer before pregnancy posts- haven’t decided yet.
October 9, 2012 at 11:08 am
Love your poem.
I don’t see why you should not post your joy and fears on the infertility blog. It gives a lot of people hope that they too will be where you are someday. Hope is very powerful. No one is a child out here. We all understand what hoops you have jumped through to get to this place. You should enjoy and celebrate your pregnancy. You deserve it!!
October 9, 2012 at 8:15 pm
thanks – that means a lot to hear that.
October 9, 2012 at 11:49 am
Another thing… Personally I feel like I spend so much time with you guys, my Internet friends… Then you guys get pregnant, stop blogging, and I lose my friends! There are some blogs/people I really connect with! You are one of them. I don’t like change, so please don’t abandon me!!!
October 9, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Trust me I’m not going anywhere 🙂 I know what you mean though. It has happened to me too.
October 9, 2012 at 12:10 pm
Kaybee already said everything I was thinking. Keep blogging lady!
October 9, 2012 at 8:15 pm
thank you!!!
October 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm
I so very much know how you feel! I adore the poem!
October 9, 2012 at 8:15 pm
thanks! I have fun writing them!
October 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm
Hooray for the return of the ode! Like immotileturtle, I also hope to one day manage the same struggle/worries about how to transition from infertile to pregnant infertile. I’m sure you’ll do it with the same humor and grace you’ve managed thus far. And I want to read about all of it!
October 9, 2012 at 7:49 pm
Truthfully, I’m less worried about that and more worried about losing this pregnancy now that we have it. It’s just easier to think about worry over what to do with my blog. I fully intend to keep blogging – I just don’t want to make it harder for anyone
October 9, 2012 at 8:15 pm
also, I really do need to get back into “The Ode’s” – they are fun 🙂
October 9, 2012 at 8:56 pm
Kaybee said it all! Turning our backs on someone who managed to make it out is something I will never understand.
October 9, 2012 at 8:58 pm
That Kaybee is a smart girl ;). And thanks 🙂
October 9, 2012 at 10:28 pm
Your blog name says what should happen. You should see it through, I want to continue to read about your journey. And I also hate it that when people get pregnant they stop blogging and Ive invested a lot of time with you ladies, I want to know how everyone’s story ends!
October 10, 2012 at 1:08 am
Don’t hold back on your blog. The people who can handle it will continue to follow you, and the people who can’t will find other blogs to read. You, meanwhile, will also probably find other blogs to read, and gain new readers as a result. Your blog will shift along with your life and that is okay. I noticed that when I was pregnant I was mostly adding pregnant lady blogs (though I kept most of my blogs on my RSS of people still trying to get pregnant, I didn’t usually add more of those to my list). Then, as I got closer to the end of the pregnancy, I added mostly parent blogs, especially parents of twins. Now, I have kept all my blogs of people who are still TTC and people who are pregnant but I am mostly only adding parenting blogs.
It happens, it’s okay, it’s normal! And neglecting this space means you lose out on the connections you’ve made with people, it’s like cutting them off before they have the chance.
October 10, 2012 at 7:16 am
Ps I heart your poem
October 10, 2012 at 5:38 pm
I totally hear you. It was so hard to know what to feel when it came to blogging and talking about on the IF blog. It was super hard for me because I knew I couldn’t keep up two blogs- my IF blog and my other personal one. I had to decide which one to continue with and the personal one ended up winning out simply because I didn’t want to share my IF one with friends/family.
Great poem.. it’s just the beginning of mixed emotions on the pregnancy roller coaster!
October 18, 2012 at 10:07 pm
Okay….close your eyes and take a deep breath. Be in the now. (FYI, I suck at this, but think it’s such great advice, I just might try it too.)
Just because you have succeeded in conceiving doesn’t mean what you have to say isn’t less helpful or more hurtful for us infertiles to hear. (Yeah, I’ve officially kicked you out of the club. Wuddayagonna do bout it, biatch?) Personally, I hope every infertile’s blog morphs into a pregnancy blog. And with pregnancy will come uncomfortable symptoms. So blog about those feet that are now two sizes larger and triple wide or that patch of hair that grew where?!
Thanks for the poem too, it made me laugh. P.S. OMG two!?!