Despite the fact that I am a huge technology fan, I buy a calendar every year. I look forward to writing plans neatly in the dates and crossing off each day with a slash in the same direction. (Strangely, I am bad about writing in birthdays). Sometimes I flip through the old pages from earlier in the year. Sometimes I keep calendars and find them months or years later, reminiscing about past celebrations and troubles. I like calendars because I like countdowns- I find a small thrill in x’ing off each day until something important.
Particularly since infertility made its way into my life, I find myself thinking during days of significance about where I was the year before – what I was doing, thinking, feeling. Much of the time I can’t remember too many specific details. Sometimes I think about where I am and wonder where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing in a years’ time. And most importantly, whether we will still be fighting this battle.
A year ago today I created this blog that I had considered doing for weeks’ prior. Many days of significance passed while I thought “here I am a year later and I still have no children….I wonder if I will a year from now”. It saddened me even in my attempts to live despite it.
Today, one year after typing my very first words of wisdom to the world, I am pregnant. And for that I am so grateful. But I still find myself wondering sometimes if I will have children a year from now.
A successful cycle does not take away the worry. It just turns it into a different kind – Googling symptoms or lack thereof, miscarriage rates and beta numbers. Looking up perfectly normal symptoms (or a lack of) and comparing numbers to women whose pregnancies will and do vary greatly from my own.
As my friend Tiffany put it: “so you went from crazy because you couldn’t get pregnant to crazy because you are”.
I swore to take this one day at a time and the last few days have been a miserable failure. I have no control over the outcome – it is out of my hands. The logical part of me understands this – the emotional part coming up with all kinds of scenarios, none of which are particularly positive.
She said a poster in her classroom says “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow , it empties today of its strength”. (source)
Today I am thankful to be where I am, to have this blog and this community. Starting tomorrow, I am back to one day at a time. One strong day at at time.
But that won’t keep me from counting down until the next event: Friday’s final blood test.
2 days. I’m going to cross today off my calendar.
September 26, 2012 at 12:06 am
If there is one thing I learned from my miscarriage, it is that worrying over every little thing did nothing to stop the outcome. And yet I know that it’s impossible to stop it. Worrying is inevitable, after having traveled this far to make a baby. But please don’t let it sap the joy from this moment. I don’t want you to give birth to your baby in nine months (and if it means anything, I DO believe that’s what will come to be) and realize that you were unable to truly enjoy your pregnancy because you were so dang scared and anxious all the time. I wasted a lot of my precious first pregnancy obsessing over everything. Don’t make my mistake. I think it’s unreasonable to expect not to be fearful or nervous, but remember to make room for the happy feelings too. I’ll be thinking of you on Friday for your next beta!
September 27, 2012 at 8:36 am
I don’t want that either. I’m finding it difficult to find a balance between optimism and cautiousness – I don’t want to get sucked too far into either one.
September 26, 2012 at 12:26 am
That has been one of my favorite quotes since my 2-second pregnancy. I know it’s hard not to worry, but try to take joy in your pregnancy a little bit each day. Hopefully that will help you balance out the what-ifs. I can’t wait til your update on Friday and I was actually going to email you tonight if you didn’t check in with us. 😉
September 26, 2012 at 1:04 am
I call that optimism with a bit of pessimism, tossed with reluctancy and a splash of hope. Mix that all together and what do you get? Realism.
Congratulations on the pregnancy. You’ve jumped one hurdle, now just keep moving forward. Enjoy the fact that you GOT pregnant. This IF journey alone will make one crazy. It can be so much easier to succumb to the negative thoughts and “what-ifs” that you dismiss the joys of just soaking in that life growing inside of you. I’ve been there and understand wholeheartedly how hard it is to be positive or relax.
You can do it though. It only takes a little bit of faith..the size of a mustard seed. Believe your outcome will be positive. Feel it. Live it. Put it in God’s hands.
Sending you virtual hugs! 🙂
September 27, 2012 at 8:40 am
September 26, 2012 at 6:53 am
It is a scary road to travel and yes, anything can happen. But it can also go well, shocker right! I simply think we all know too much that can go wrong, which is good knowledge but not really helpful. One day at a time, and tomorrow it’s Friday already!
September 26, 2012 at 6:56 am
I wont try and tell you to think positive because I know it’s hard and I know you’re doing your best to not drive yourself nuts. But I will say that, while I am surely praying for you that this pregnancy is a healthy one and leads to your take-home baby, I also pray that the day comes soon where a lot of that worry slips away for good and you are simply filled with pure joy. You will never stop worrying about something, but here’s to hoping that one day soon, you worry no more than the average fertile….LOL. Thinking of you!
Oh, and happy blogiversary! 🙂
September 26, 2012 at 8:44 am
Embrace the moment…thats what I have been telling myself…there is NOTHING you can do to change anything that is happening right now and stressing about it doesnt help…I know its hard but enjoy being PREGNANT!!!
September 26, 2012 at 10:44 am
Your friends poster is very wise. It is out of your hands, it is only 2 sleeps away, and then you will keep having to take one step at a time because while you will have reached this mile stone, infertility has taught you (all of us) not to trust and you will worry about the next milestone.
I say do your best to keep it positive. Do your best to take one day at a time and when your mind wanders to those scary places, remind it, to come back to you and start again.
Eventually you will trust it, but embrace the journey of learning to trust again. Because eventually as Kelly said the worry will slip away, and you will be able to plan for your little one(s) and revel in the joy of being a mother.
You really are an inspiration. I cant wait, and hope to hear a huge number on Friday that will indicate both Bubbles and Squishy are well.
September 27, 2012 at 8:33 am
Thanks Jeanette – I try to remember that people get pregnant all the time (and have few symptoms) and carry healthy babies to term. Its hard to find a middle ground between positivity and still knowing what can happen.
September 27, 2012 at 12:19 pm
You say you dont feel anything but symptoms dont generally kick in until between 6-8 weeks. You still have plenty of time to pee every 5 minutes feel nausea and the like. Dont rush it. Try to feel happy you are pregnant today, the symptoms will come soon enough.
September 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Well I already pee every 5 min bc I’m so blasted thirsty I’m drinking tons of water 🙂
Still, will be nice to have the reassurance tomorrow
September 27, 2012 at 3:45 pm
I know. And after tomorrow you’ll feel better 🙂 You and bubbles and squishy are in my thoughts a lot!
September 28, 2012 at 11:58 am
No word yet…
September 26, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Hello from ICLW, and congratulations on your pregnancy! I just got a positive last week too, so I think we are at about the same stage (I’m 5w0d today). After a past loss, I am feeling so much of the same anxiety as you. Your friend’s advice is very apt, and I hope we can both take it to heart! I will be following you and cheering you on and wishing you all the best.
September 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm
I am 5w0d as well. I haven’t experienced a loss (this Is my first pregnancy) but sure am scared of one…hence the post.
It’s always something
September 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm
I love this quote and am adding it to my growing list of “things to keep Belle sane during her FET.” 🙂 I have everything crossed for your Friday Beta!
September 27, 2012 at 8:32 am
Thanks!!! one more day!
September 26, 2012 at 1:56 pm
I needed to read this today. I’m a worry wart. I worry and worry and worry. Here’s to taking things one day at a time. Fingers crossed for your Friday Beta. And happy blogiversary!
September 26, 2012 at 2:10 pm
You and me both. You are not alone.
September 26, 2012 at 2:23 pm
i think i would feel the same way as you are feeling now. i know it’s easier said than done, but i like your idea of crossing things off the list, one item at a time. i hope as you get further and further along in your pregnancy, your worry subsides and that you enjoy and relish in this pregnancy sooner rather than later 🙂 xoxo
September 27, 2012 at 8:31 am
me too! one more sleep till 3rd BETA!
September 26, 2012 at 11:33 pm
I can’t even imagine the anxiety. But I know for a fact that women get pregnant all the time, and it somehow, magically works out. Try to remember that and not all the scary things we know too well can happen. Happy thoughts to you for good news on Friday!
September 27, 2012 at 8:31 am
Yeah – I try to remind myself of that. I make myself paranoid because I’ve hardly had any symptoms – and even though I know plenty of women don’t, it makes me worry.
February 2, 2013 at 2:10 pm
I’m catching up on your journey-late. 🙂
I find I worry about how I’m sleeping. On my side I feel sick and on my back I worry. Lol. What did you find worked best for you in the early stages?
February 2, 2013 at 9:02 pm
I wouldn’t worry about sleeping on your back yet – I think its more a concern around the 4th month (perhaps a bit sooner with twins if you do have twins). Ask your doc to be sure but I slept on my back for the first couple months with no issues