At some point during the IVF process, someone really needs to sit down with you and say, in addition to the procedural and medicinal explanations that undergoing an IVF will do strange things to you. And the hormones may or may not be to blame. They also need to create some sort of IVF cycle friendly anti anxiety drug, and slip it into your progesterone. Seriously.
#1- IVF will make you get “The Crazy”. The crazy need to test early. With Bryan working out of town, we see each other 2-3 times a month. He was home for my egg retrieval but had to go right back, and is taking a work trip at the end of this month. So, we decided to meet halfway for a night. I then had the
wonderful horrible thought that hey! if I take a test and its positive, I can tell him in person!! So, despite my resolve the night before and the fact that it was 4 solid days early, I took a test, telling myself that if it was negative, it was still early so no big deal.
It was negative, and it was a big deal. Which leads us to
#2 – “The Crazy” will make you more dramatic. Not flip out screaming and shouting at the universe kind of big deal, but enough to leave me bummed for several hours and at one point convince myself this meant it didn’t work. We still don’t know the outcome of this of course, but clearly testing 4 days early and getting a negative does NOT mean it didn’t work. But that didn’t stop me from:
#3 -“The Crazy” will make you obsessively Google stupid crap – I left late because I spent 30 minutes Google-ing stupid stuff like “how many days post transfer BFP IVF”, mentally taking count of the people who said they got theirs later than 5 days after transfer, and inwardly cursing those who saw it earlier. I might as well have Googled “is this going to work” because others’ outcomes will have ZERO effect on my own, however I still felt the need to compare. (I blame The Crazy)
#4 – “The Crazy” will make you obsess, period- Suddenly, I’m questioning whether I read all of the docs instructions correctly (I did), whether I was following all of them (I was), whether I was taking the right dosages at the right times (I was) and if I could have possibly done something to mess this up and cause a positive to not show up FOUR DAYS EARLY.
(Yes, Jeanette – I get it now.)
After a pedicure, some retail therapy, breakfast for dinner and and awesome shared dessert, I felt mostly normal. And while testing early was clearly not the best move on my part, it opened up some dialogue between Bryan and I and I left feeling much more peaceful about the whole thing – success or not. I think maybe I needed assurance that he was behind me and ok to move forward as long as it takes, if necessary. That isn’t to say that a negative blood test still won’t sting, but I have a plan now and it makes me feel better.
The kicker? I totally disregarded the early test after a positive failed to show up in, like, 30 seconds – which means I didn’t even wait out the full amount, and that my negative may or may not have actually been negative. But since I was being over dramatic (see #2) I assumed failure.
Still, there will be no more early testing for me. The night before at the earliest and I may just wait for my blood to be drawn.
Unless “The Crazy” gets to me again. (I totally think we should make a shirt that says something “I went through The Crazy and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.)