If infertility has taught me anything, its that there is no such thing as pure excitement.

It seems to me that there are four options:

1. An initial bout of excitement that last a few days/hours followed by worry

2. An initial bout of excitement and then immediate worry

3. Just plain worry

4. Numbness or disappointment

The problem is this: we know too much. We know the possibilities. We know the statistics. We know what COULD happen. We’ve either had it happen to us or seen it happen to others. Or Googled it (BAD!). Or imagined it. (What IF I fall out of the bed, break my hip and they can’t transfer the embryos?) Or made it up in our sleep. (What IF a monster in my closet eats my embryos and there are none left?!)

What? It could happen. Maybe if  I had said UFO instead of monster that last one would have been more believable.

But I digress.

Besides the injection issue (which was totally MY error), this IVF experience has gone pretty smoothly. But I find myself metaphorically looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the call that tells me none of my 28 eggs fertilized or some such catastrophe. Or that I have some unknown egg quality issue and they would initially fertilize and then stop growing. (I told you I had catastrophe brain). I spent two days frought with worry and finally had to tell myself that this is ridiculous. Yes, it could happen, but it probably won’t. And if it does, I have NO CONTROL over it.

The OCD part of my brain hates this with every fiber of its being.

We have a 5 day transfer scheduled for 11 am Monday. I even obsessively emailed the nurse today to make sure nothing changed (i.e. did any disaster happen overnight, but I worded it much more casually) and we were still on for Monday. (she said yes we are still on for Monday and all still looks good). I am making it my mission to ENJOY this weekend. (So I’m gonna be practicing a bit of avoidance by keeping busy – is that so wrong?)

My eggs didn’t all die, either. Of the 28 eggs (I didn’t ask how many were mature) we got 21 embryos!! I was smiling from ear to ear when I heard that message. (until I jumped to option number 1). I do want to add that I am incredibly happy and grateful to have such a good outcome so far…I just can’t help but  be a worry wart.

Also, on a related but slightly different topic – progesterone suppositories? Gross.