Hi. My name is Theresa. I have catastrophe brain. I am a catastrophe-brain-aholic. (I also consume a bit too much sugar, while we are confessing things)
On birthday morning my alarm went off at 7 so I could give myself my injection.Then I loaded up my ipod and took the dogs for a walk while I rocked to some recently downloaded Ace of Base. (On a side note – I had the cassette tape of their first album in 1996 and listened to it SO MUCH that I literally wore the tape out and had to get another one) After a couple trips around the block I dropped them back home and walked some more on my own. The sun was shining and I thought to myself that having to kick my activity down a notch to walking once I start stims might not be so bad. The slower pace allowed me to be more observant. I stopped to give a dog a belly rub. I stood and watched a butterfly land on a flower and just hung out for a minute before flying by me and away.
I was getting dressed thinking about how I might start my birthday blog post about how peaceful I felt when the phone rang.
It was the skydiving company.
As soon as I saw it I knew what was coming.
Canceled due to weather. My huge mess finally scheduled on the last slot ON MY BIRTHDAY skydive wasn’t happening. And not only that, they didn’t have any spots open next weekend. Meaning: no skydive before IVF.
Without thinking much about it, I confessed to the lady that I was scheduled for a procedure in September and couldn’t jump after August. (I felt slightly guilty about this admission later, not knowing what the outcome of this was going to be for sure). She took pity on me and the fact that I was choking back tears and squeezed us in for next weekend.
So I can still do my skydive.
But at the time it didn’t matter – all that inner peace and zen I had an hour ago? Gone. I was annoyed that the plans were ruined and annoyed that I hadn’t thought of a back up plan.
I finally decided to go shopping. Bryan and I keep some separate finances and so his gift to me was spending money – because in all the craziness of infertility among other things, I’ve been a nut about money (ok ok, I’m always a nut about money) recently. Even shopping I couldn’t quite relax. I’d pick up clothes I like and Bryan would encourage me to buy them and I just couldn’t because “this sweater is$40!”. (Though I did manage to chill a bit later and had decided to say screw it -went back for said sweater and didn’t like it once I tried it on later anyway. True to form I found 2 sweaters and a tank top at a different store for the same price as the one I was fretting over…old habits die hard)
We had thrown together some last minute dinner plans and found 8 people willing and able to join us. Unfortunately, the waiter totally sucked, kept forgetting things, and when he brought out birthday ice cream, put it in front of the wrong person. Then, at the hotel, the fireplace didn’t work. (Yes, I know its August. I was cold) And I left my Ipod there. (Its whereabouts are still currently unknown)
Annoyed, I declared once the night was over that this birthday “kinda sucked”.
Going backwards a bit – a blog friend of mine a couple of nights ago had sent me a tweet about a difficult yoga pose that was causing her some frustration. The elusive Crow – a difficult balance pose. I went to yoga once a week in college and that was one of my favorite poses. I can manage to get into it and hold it for a few seconds. I tried it Sunday morning and found that while it took a great deal of concentration, I have some decent muscle memory.
I fell out of this the second he snapped the picture
I sent this picture and she asked me what muscles I used more…my abs or my arms. I thought about it and realized I wasn’t sure, so I tried it again. I said it was really a mixture of both in combination with the placement of your legs to find the right balance….some pun intended.
Fast forward. This morning I got out of bed for my run – that I so happened to time perfectly with the sunrise. Stopping to watch the sun rise over the Charleston Battery I found myself not really caring any more about the sucky birthday.
Life, birthdays, yoga, infertility. It’s all about finding a balance. Of muscles, relationships, plans, of the good and the bad.
No, I didn’t get to skydive. Yes, the waiter at dinner sucked and yes the day as a whole didn’t go at all as planned, but it didn’t suck. I still got to spend the day with my husband who so sensitively gave me a perfect birthday present, had a good time hanging out with those who could come to my last minute birthday dinner and make fun of the waiter, and ended up with 60 some odd birthday messages on Facebook. Will this new found insight keep me from having catastrophe brain in the future? Probably not any time soon, but I’m quickly learning that very few things are true coincidences.
This is before I realized my Ipod had gone AWOL
And just because I found this to be absolutely hysterical today:
August 20, 2012 at 11:29 pm
Happy (late) birthday to you! I’m so sorry your big day wasn’t what you had hoped for, but so glad you have found some perspective about it. And so glad that you’ll still get to go skydiving — can’t wait to hear all about it!
August 21, 2012 at 7:25 pm
Hoping for sunny skies Saturday!
August 21, 2012 at 12:34 am
Happy birthday! So glad you still get to go skydiving. As for everything else, I love your take on it–I’m sure we could all use a little more balance, although you appear to be a bit more advanced than me (yoga-wise, anyway).
August 21, 2012 at 7:25 pm
August 21, 2012 at 9:10 am
Happy Birthday! It never lives up to what we want it to be, does it? Either way, it sounds like you remembered at some point that it doesn’t have to be perfect to still enjoy the day and be around people who care about you.
Side note(s): So impressed with you getting into that yoga position, if only for a few seconds! I’m totally going to try that when I get home.
Also – your arms look toned and awesome!
Good luck on the skydive – can’t wait to hear about it!!
August 21, 2012 at 7:24 pm
Let me know how it works! I can seriously only hold it for like 5 seconds. And thanks! I think I was giving hubby the vulcan death grip or something though because my arm does NOT look like that at rest!
August 21, 2012 at 12:19 pm
I went zip-lining this past week in the redwoods. It was scary. It also made me realize that I could never go skydiving. I think I would pee my pants. For real. Also, how can you go skydiving with catastrophe brain?! Guts of steel, that’s how. Happy Birthday!
August 21, 2012 at 7:21 pm
HAHA that’s a REALLY good point! Thanks!
August 21, 2012 at 1:23 pm
It’s so hard to remember the reasons we are blessed when we have so many things we wish we could change sometimes. I’m glad you were able to find the silver lining and that you found a way to enjoy your birthday!
August 21, 2012 at 10:54 pm
Aww boo on skydive reschedule! But glad to hear you can still squeeze it in. Can’t wait to hear all about it! It sounds like you still made the best of it on your birthday. I get to celebrate mine at a wedding, possibly not drinking (hopefully for good reasons), while waiting on the greatest outcome of my life. Chicken Dance,anyone?
August 22, 2012 at 9:49 pm
I’m really glad that your birthday didn’t end up sucking. Sorry about the skydiving reschedule, and the sucky waiter, and the losing your iPod. Congrats on The Crow – I think the last time I did that I was 5 years old in gymnastics class. My boobs might smother me if I tried now.
August 26, 2012 at 3:23 pm
I can totally relate to what you wrote about catastrophe brain, but I’m glad you were able to find some balance in it all. I hope the skydiving is fantastic. It’s on my to-do list for someday. I was thinking just the other day, I should look into it now since we aren’t TTC now, at least we’re not doing any procedures.