Let me just start by saying that no, our cycle is not on hold.
I’ve taken 8 active birth control pills. Before I quit taking them I took them for 8 years. (interesting coincidence) It was completely lost on me that when you’re on the pill, it tricks your body into thinking you’re pregnant. An unfortunate side effect, at least I’m guessing that’s what this is, is that it can kinda mess with your brain.
My brain, in particular, has been here, there and everywhere. I have spent all week trying to come up with some explanation or analogy, and all I’ve been able to identify is that I’m anxious. It could be the pill, it could be nerves, it could be my OCD self unable to cope with the fact that I have no control over the outcome of this.
I’ve used the particular analogy before about general infertility – feeling as if things are on hold, as we are in the “committed but haven’t really started anything serious” portion of this cycle because I haven’t yet forked over both my legs (I paid my arm in meds the other day…at least I’ll still have one arm left with which to hold the baby when its all said and done, right?). Ironically, earlier this week I purchased a Groupon to skydive for my 30th birthday, but when I attempted to schedule it, discovered that there is ZERO availability in August. With an egg transfer in early September, August was it. I tried to call the company three times yesterday to make sure there wasn’t a scheduling mistake or see if there was something I could do, but only ended up spending 40 minutes on hold between the three calls.
I hate being on hold (though the recording was amusing, because apparently a girl went from looking at pictures of cats online for hours to skydiving and now her whole life has changed). It always creates this weird anxiety and annoyance. Why can’t someone just answer the blasted phone? After a few minutes I started contemplating hanging up, but what if someone picks up in the next minute? Do I wait? Do I hang up? Maybe I’ll wait 2 more minutes. Nothing. Ok, one more minute. Nothing. Ok, I’m hanging up. But what if someone picks up as I’m hanging up? I really wanted to go skydiving! (For the record, I waited 15, 15 and 10 minutes and then hung up)
I figured that once I decided to go ahead with this IVF I would feel calm, but my worries have only increased. Am I making the right decision? Should we have gone with one of those “discount” programs? (I’d decided against it as there were to many restrictions). Did I ask my doctor all the questions I wanted to ask? Should I REALLY be spending the money on this right now? Do I keep holding or hang up? Which one? Which one will get me what I’m aiming for? My ridiculous worry over things I’ve already technically decided on is leaking into other aspects of my life. I’m only a little over a week from my birthday and I still can’t decide what to do (now that skydiving is disappointingly no longer an option).
I’m afraid of making the wrong decision. Like I am on hold. Wondering. Waiting.
Here is hoping Friday brings a bit of relief, because soon after I start injections, and while I’m not exactly looking forward to sticking more needles in myself, at least I can be doing something other than waiting. Things will be official. And I can’t wait to be off this ridiculous pill because I swear it isn’t helping.
At least in this situation, I know someone will eventually answer the phone.
Journey To the Finish Line 
August 8, 2012 at 11:35 pm
Dude: I totally get that about feeling like you’re on hold.
And bummer about the skydiving delay. I was going to get a nose stud before I started my injections, but then I learned it would take two months to heal and that’s not enough time before the retrieval.
August 9, 2012 at 6:52 am
At the risk of sounding totally idiotic, why could you not have a healing nose stud while on injections? I ask bc I got my tattoo but it will need a touch up and they do free ones if it’s within 60 days. I had planned to go the end of this month while I was on lupron but before stims. I figured it would be no different than a healing cut you might get. Am I wrong?
August 9, 2012 at 1:32 am
Being on hold is the worst. I feel your pain. And I think that’s part of what makes infertility so, so difficult — all the waiting. It never ends and there’s nothing you can do about it. So sorry you won’t be able to skydive! That’s really the pits. Hoping you find a fun alternative, and some peace and strength as these days go by. Thinking of you!
August 9, 2012 at 6:36 am
Well best of luck with everything! I’m also on the pill, it sucks, but at least I’m not hoping for this miracle that’s never going to happen. 😉 it was so weird to me that they make you take the pill.
I can totally relate to feeling like you paid with arms and legs. I remember at my egg retrieval I had to pay $600.00 additional dollars for anesthesia. On top of the rediculous amount we had already spent. I said to the guy, can you please give me my money’s worth? Like for $600, I want to be looped out all day long!
I am so excited for you! Sending good vibes your way!
August 9, 2012 at 7:01 am
We have to pay an additional $400 for that. Pre cycle testing is not included either (ie my $500 trial transfer tomorrow). Maybe I’ll be paying with that other arm after all.
August 9, 2012 at 11:43 am
I dont think youre on hold. I think you are moving along well thank you very much! It just feels like youre on hold.
Have done 9 egg retrievals with no anesthesia, I suggest paying for it. Even if its with your other arm.
To quote my friend who was recently told she was pregnant, she said to the dr “How am I going to take care of a baby? You have all my money?”
August 9, 2012 at 11:46 am
Yes you are right. I am not on hold. But where we are in the cycle feels like it.
I will also be paying for the anasthesia ( how the heck do you spell that?)
August 9, 2012 at 6:40 pm
I feel ya. Even as this cycle progresses I still feel like we’re on hold. It is SO time consuming, and so involved. Meanwhile, it’s like everyone I know can get pregnant with a snap of their fingers. And then I think, if this doesn’t work, how much longer will we continue to wait, while everyone else’s life just keeps zooming forward. It’s a helpless, anxious feeling, for sure.
Tomorrow is my last BCP. Lupron kinda sucks. Are you on the protocol with Lupron? Not loving the side effects, none of which are hot flashes, I wish! I’ll blog about it soon.
PS- I just saw that you’re a speech pathologist. Me too! But I only work with adults. Whooooo ASHA dues! Ha, nope!
August 9, 2012 at 7:55 pm
I catch myself traveling down that thought road, too. What if it doesn’t work? THEN how much longer is the wait.
Yes, I am on a Lupron protocol. I’m supposed to start it Tuesday. But I’m going to live in denial and pretend I will have no side effects.
You’re an SLP too?! I actually worked with adults my first 2 years. What setting are you working in?
August 9, 2012 at 8:08 pm
It is so hard. The vast majority of my friends are either pregnant, have a baby, or are on their second. I’ll be thrilled if IVF will work for us sometime in the near future. But I’m terrified it won’t. I cannot imagine having to be stuck in this limbo for very long. I know some people endure it for years and years, but I just can’t even fathom that right now.
Blech. Lupron. For me, it’s not too bad, other than one noticeable side effect. I’ll give you a hint… go buy yourself some Dulcolax now! Wahhhh.
Yep! I’m an SLP going into my 5th year of work, post grad school. I work for an agency, so I work at an adult-day program in the mornings, and a subacute rehab/SNF/outpatient clinic all in 1, in the afternoon.
August 9, 2012 at 8:10 pm
ooooh will do that. I tend to get hemorrhoids easily and so do NOT want any of that!
I worked in a SNF for almost 3 years before I switched to peds. So cool to find another SLP!
August 10, 2012 at 6:13 pm
You are moving forward–just very, very slowly. But you’ll get there. Too bad about the skydiving. If you think of a fun alternative, let me know. Hubby’s 40th is this month, and I have no idea how to celebrate a birthday that big when he insists he wants to do “nothing.”