Let me just start by saying that no, our cycle is not on hold.

I’ve taken 8 active birth control pills. Before I quit taking them I took them for 8 years. (interesting coincidence) It was completely lost on me that when you’re on the pill, it tricks your body into thinking you’re pregnant. An unfortunate side effect, at least I’m guessing that’s what this is, is that it can kinda mess with your brain.

My brain, in particular, has been here, there and everywhere. I have spent all week trying to come up with some explanation or analogy, and all I’ve been able to identify is that I’m anxious. It could be the pill, it could be nerves, it could be my OCD self unable to cope with the fact that I have no control over the outcome of this.

I’ve used the particular analogy before about general infertility – feeling as if things are on hold, as we are in the “committed but haven’t really started anything serious” portion of this cycle because I haven’t yet forked over both my legs (I paid my arm in meds the other day…at least I’ll still have one arm left with which to hold the baby when its all said and done, right?). Ironically, earlier this week I purchased a Groupon to skydive for my 30th birthday, but when I attempted to schedule it, discovered that there is ZERO availability in August. With an egg transfer in early September, August was it. I tried to call the company three times yesterday to make sure there wasn’t a scheduling mistake or see if there was something I could do, but only ended up spending 40 minutes on hold between the three calls.

I hate being on hold (though the recording was amusing, because apparently a girl went from looking at pictures of cats online for hours to skydiving and now her whole life has changed). It always creates this weird anxiety and annoyance. Why can’t someone just answer the blasted phone? After a few minutes I started contemplating hanging up, but what if someone picks up in the next minute? Do I wait? Do I hang up?   Maybe I’ll wait 2 more minutes. Nothing. Ok, one more minute. Nothing. Ok, I’m hanging up. But what if someone picks up as I’m hanging up? I really wanted to go skydiving! (For the record, I waited 15, 15 and 10 minutes and then hung up)

I figured that once I decided to go ahead with this IVF I would feel calm, but my worries have only increased. Am I making the right decision? Should we have gone with one of those “discount” programs? (I’d decided against it as there were to many restrictions). Did I ask my doctor all the questions I wanted to ask? Should I REALLY be spending the money on this right now? Do I keep holding or hang up? Which one? Which one will get me what I’m aiming for? My ridiculous worry over things I’ve already technically decided on is leaking into other aspects of my life. I’m only a little over a week from my birthday and I still can’t decide what to do (now that skydiving is disappointingly no longer an option).

I’m afraid of making the wrong decision. Like I am on hold. Wondering. Waiting.

Here is hoping Friday brings a bit of relief, because soon after I start injections, and while I’m not exactly looking forward to sticking more needles in myself, at least I can be doing something other than waiting. Things will be official. And I can’t wait to be off this ridiculous pill because I swear it isn’t helping.

At least in this situation, I know someone will eventually answer the phone.