I felt really optimistic about my follicle check this morning, wondering only if I’d have to be seen again or if maybe we would be lucky enough to do this thing this weekend.

Oh how optimistic I was.

I knew going into this that our chances would be less with one blocked tube. When I had a bigger follicle on my blocked side two days ago, I simply assumed my left would get a chance to catch up. What I didn’t expect (though now that I think about it logically, it makes sense) was that the follicle on my right could grow larger and effectively kill all the others on my other ovary.

My IUI was canceled.

My lining looked good, my uterus looked good, and my right ovary looked fantastic. You know, the one connected to the blasted blocked tube. I had a 17mm and a 16 mm on the right. The 11 and 12 from two days ago on the left shrunk to 10 and 9. Apparently even a 12 isn’t guaranteed to continue to grow. For some reason I always figured that we’d be able to get an egg or two from both ovaries, but apparently at a certain point, one takes over.I don’t know why this never occurred to me.

So my small but still better than we have had so far chance is now gone. The doctor told me to go ahead and give myself the trigger shot tonight to make myself ovulate, and have uh….”fun” with my husband tomorrow and Saturday, but really we have snowballs chance in hell. Because my body would have to take Mr. Egg from my right ovary and move it on over to the left. In his words, “something is better than nothing”. To me, it’s still nothing. I’ll do it, though, because I’m an absolute glutton for punishment.

I partially expected there to be some mourning over the failure of this cycle. What I didn’t expect was for it to happen so soon, to beΒ  so upset over the loss of even the opportunity. In a 50/50 shot, I ended up with the short end of the stick. I might as well have thrown all that money straight into the garbage, and all of the hope in there with it.

The nurse coordinator is supposed to talk with the doctor tomorrow and let me know his recommendation moving forward (“if you don’t get pregnant this cycle” — oh how optimistic she is– whatever she is taking I would like some of it) but I’m not honestly sure what I want to do at this point. From what I understand, there is a 50/50 chance we could end up in this exact same position next month (and, incidentally, is why I don’t gamble).

This sucks.

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