This summer brings with it a couple of monumental dates for me.
July 1, 2012 – what will be the first day of our first IUI, bringing with it all of the fun things like injections and dates with “Bob” (he sure took a long time to call me back! butthead….)
August 19, 2012 – my 30th birthday. (in 57 days. But who’s counting?)
I’m a bit ambivalent about both. Normally, I love my birthday, and make excuses for why Bryan should run out and get me the ice cream I’m demanding because “it’s my birthday week” (I’ve also gone as far as birthday month before). Bring on the birthday cards, the cake, the candles, the stupid birthday song. I feel like a 5 year old on my birthday (most of the time).
I think we all have plans for our lives, and time frames in which we hope to achieve these plans. For some reason that I’m not even sure I understand, I had always planned to have children before the age of 30, and as I am quickly approaching this milestone, I’m clearly outside my timeline. In some ways I’m starting to feel “age”(and yes I realize this is only the beginning), but for the most part don’t feel “old”, physically or mentally. In fact I feel better than I did physically or emotionally at 20. I’m in better shape and I have a clearer head.
Fertility, though, is a different story. I get that most of it is mental, but 30 rounds the corner to the dreaded “advanced maternal age” and comments from the RE regarding how young I still am [being under 30] that will no longer exist. Plenty of people nowadays have kids after 30 – by choice, and yet for some reason this milestone is bothersome to me. I really think otherwise, I wouldn’t care less about turning 30. (though I did have a brief moment of feeling quite old after going to the bar with my 21 year old sister after graduation, after I was the one who declared at 2am that it was time for all of us to go back because I was tired). Fertility is the only area in which I dread age and feel old.
I’m hoping that, as a result, I’m not putting too much stress and hope into this procedure being able to bring me at least a pregnancy before 30. I decided already that I don’t want any procedures in August because I want to enjoy this milestone without infertility lingering over my head. We booked a long weekend in Daytona, Florida and I’m really looking forward to it.
I think I’m going to try to take things one day at a time. I’m finding myself more relaxed recently after letting go a bit – we are enjoying the heck out of the house improvements we did and I don’t want to get wrapped up in anticipation or dread. I don’t want to spoil any more of my life in disappointment and expectation.
I’d like to allow the 5 year old in my to enjoy the anticipation of my day.
Which includes a countdown. Also, kudos to anyone who read this blog title WITHOUT singing the song either aloud or to yourself.
** As an addition, for those of you who read about my Groupon Adventure, I made my hair appointment and was disappointed to get a text a few days ago saying she is no longer accepting the groupons. Apparently, they never paid her. I received a credit, but now no hair appointment. Drat.