You know how sometimes, when you make a phone call, someone promptly answers but then somewhat unexpectedly asks you to please hold?
At first you say “sure, no problem”, expecting it will (hopefully) only be a couple of minutes. The elevator music in the background is somewhat amusing, however you still wonder to yourself what sane person would have such lame taste in music.
After a few minutes, the elevator music starts to go from amusing to annoying. No one has come back on the line yet, but you don’t want to hang up for fear of calling back and being placed on hold again. What if you’re mere seconds from being answered?
A few more minutes go by and you start think this is getting ridiculous. Have they forgotten I am on hold, here? And would you please turn this ridiculous music off?
Finally, after long enough you just hang up the phone, too annoyed to speak politely to whatever customer-service-person-who-probably doesn’t-like-their-job-much-anyway answers the phone. For now you have other things to do, you’ll call back later.
I guess I finally got tired of being on hold.
When Bryan shared his most recent sperm count news, I’ll admit I was a little less than thrilled at first – only because this meant changing plans for a second time, once again when I finally got used to Plan B. And the transition time that it took to adjust from Plan A to Plan B was probably longer than it should have been. I expected the same results adjusting to Plan C (keep waiting) but something clicked or set differently in my brain this time around, and suddenly I no longer cared to pin down a Plan D (when will we do the IVF).
Perhaps Bryan’s normal SA accounts for some of this – in all the time we’ve been trying I’m not sure we’ve ever had a normal amount of sperm to work with, so it seems silly to spend all that money without seeing if our own bodies can do the job. Maybe I finally got tired of planning. Maybe I just finally sub consciously realized that it’s really out of my control. Whatever the reason, before I left for Ohio I finally decided to hang up, so to speak. I told him to go ahead and use some savings to build the fence we’ve been putting off forever because we didn’t know if we’d need the money. I realized when I got back from my trip that I’d made it through the whole weekend without obsessing about fertility.
I attended a baby shower and genuinely ooohed and ahhhed over the cute baby clothes without wondering when I’d have my own. We went out and had a few drinks without my worrying about how much we were spending. We’ve talked about refinishing the floors (gasp, spending more money) downstairs, getting a storm door, or just doing a few of the smaller things around the house we’ve been wanting to do since we bought it a year and a half ago.
And I don’t regret the decision to spend the money one bit. It’s been freeing. I’m thinking about a small trip we can take this summer and maybe I’ll take one of those PTO days I’ve been saving. Maybe I’ll get my hair done or get a pedicure. For now, I have no idea when Plan D will take place.
And for now that is ok. I have hung up the phone. I’m going to enjoy life for a bit, and I’ll call back later.