I often find myself thinking to myself how lucky people are that they are able to get pregnant, whether its after a procedure or naturally, but most often to those who got pregnant naturally….especially if it was quickly.
I want to get lucky.
I fall into a bit of a funk with the start of every new cycle. (hence the self diagnosed Infertility Induced Bipolar Disorder) Usually it lasts a couple of days and I’m back to myself again for the most part. This last one was harder on me though and it took me several more days to feel more normal again. It’s crazy how easily and drastically a mind frame can change, and it is during those times that I seem to completely forget what it feels like to be positive….at least emotionally. I can’t remember what it’s like to feel lucky. Other stressors don’t help much.
Yesterday afternoon I went for a walk with a friend at lunch. It was a gorgeous day and it was just nice to get outside. At one point a ladybug flew by and I said that I thought ladybugs were lucky…..though maybe only if they land on you. When we returned I went to the bathroom. I glanced into the mirror while washing my hands and jumped because there was a bug on my shirt.
It was a ladybug.
That little guy is actually a Chilocorus Stigma, or reverse ladybug. At least that’s how I googled it. I mean, it was shorter than “black ladybug with red spots” I called him maleybug. The lady bugs are red with black spots so it’s only natural this would be its male counterpart in my mind. But I digress…… I do that a lot.
I’d be lying if I said I’m not hoping it’s a sign of some sort, but looking for signs has the potential to cause trouble.
I decided to write this post today not only because of the cool incident with the ladybug but also because I know that this isn’t over yet.
I need something to remind me, when I’m feeling particularly snarky and depressed, that I have reasons to be proud. I have things to look forward to. I have reasons to feel lucky:
I feel incredibly fortunate now for the completely ridiculous incident at my last job, because it made me finally quit a job I didn’t really like to begin with. Now I actually LIKE my job, and love the women that I work with, who take the time to give me a hug or ask me how I felt about the last news of a pregnancy. I appreciate the kids I work with that manage to put a smile on my face even on bad days. (because how can you NOT laugh at a kid who deletes one sound in a blend and calls a clock a c.ock?)
I’m thankful to have an activity that I can turn to to help me clear my head and give me a sense of accomplishment when fertility fails me. I’m proud of those finishes, races, and miles in my shoes.
I’m glad to still be involved in music and softball. Somewhere I can spend 2 hours a week singing and playing, not worrying.
I’m lucky to have an incredibly supportive husband who rarely (what? he’s human. he gets annoyed sometimes) gets annoyed at my cycle related moodiness and has been on my side since Day 1.
I’m relieved I saved money over the years so we can afford an IVF without going totally broke.
Quite frankly, I’m surprised sometimes that I’m able to make people laugh, and I love that about myself.
I’m supported by an amazing group of bloggers and friends. Both virtual and in real life. AND they read this ridiculous blog!
I’d like to skip the procedures and save the money and the stress. I still want to take a flipping vacation and fix the house. I’ll probably still be depressed when my next cycle starts. I might feel bitter and like all of this mess is total crap. When the next person shares pregnancy news, I’ll probably still think “lucky”.
I still want to get lucky.
But when I need it, I’ll at least have this reminder: I already am lucky.