February marks one year since our first visit to the fertility clinic.
It’s been a heck of a year.
I was much angrier a year ago, taken aback by some pregnancy news I didn’t expect, solidifying (to me) that everyone else was going to get pregnant before I was. I walked around in an angry cloud for a few months, and then started this blog. Though I knew logically that this pregnancy had NOTHING to do with me, I still felt as if it was some kinda of karmic slap in the face.
Today, I feel frustrated. I feel discouraged. I think that’s par for the course sometimes, especially as my unwanted visitor draws nearer. But I feel much less anger. Less jealousy. A better understanding of all the emotions and the fact that they are completely normal. More faith.
What I haven’t gained any more of is patience.(Hey, you can’t have everything)
Infertility has taught me that feeling bipolar is completely normal, and that yes, it IS possible to feel one way and then 10 minutes later, feel the exact opposite. Our most recent bump in the road has taught me this: a few days ago I felt at peace with waiting out the IVF a bit longer, until yesterday when I forgot ALL of the reasons I decided that and started to feel like there was no way in He.ll I was going to wait any longer.
Infertility has taught me that sometimes I can be a crappy friend, though it was never my intention.
Infertility has taught me that HOPE can be a blessing, but it can also be a four letter word. There is no other way to explain why, when month after month of nothing, we continue to think that maybe THIS month is it. And why, when we are disappointed yet again, we keep doing this to ourselves.
Infertility has taught me that most insurance companies suck.
Infertility has taught me that money becomes both much more and much less important. Important because we need it to have the chance to build our family. Less important because I wouldn’t normally gamble tens of thousands of dollars for a slightly more than 50% chance on anything. But for this I will. Because when it works the money won’t matter anymore.
Infertility has taught me that a sense of humor is imperative. Thought I mostly believed this already, it becomes especially true in this case. If you don’t have something to laugh at, it’s easy to get sucked into depression.
Where else but pinterest?
Infertility has taught me that relationships are fragile. It’s easy to get so lost in the hope for a baby that you start to inadvertently disregard the relationship that made you want to build a family in the first place. It’s also solidified that I’m with the right man. Through all of my nuttiness he has continually supported me and been there for me. I wouldn’t want to go through it with ANYONE else.
Infertility has taught me that most people have no idea what infertility really means, which sometimes causes comments that seem sympathetic to them but hurtful and silly to us.
Infertility has taught me that it is important to have an outlet. Maybe its a blog, a club, a hobby or a collection. Maybe it’s a job. A pet. A nap. Several failed cooking attempts. An obsession with a celebrity. SOMETHING to keep your mind occupied.
Infertility has taught me that I have a really fabulous group of friends.
Infertility has taught me that infertility SUCKS
Infertility has taught me to have faith.
Most importantly, infertility has taught me that you’re stronger than you think, and you can keep going. I believe some of the strongest and most resilient women come out of the infertility community. They are also some of the most supportive. I’ve seen this especially recently as people have suffered losses – the outpouring of love and support was overwhelming to me.
We are a strong group of women (and men), and we must never let ourselves forget that.
pinterest
Journey To the Finish Line 
February 24, 2012 at 5:47 pm
You are pretty fabulous my dear, and this experience will make you more (not less) of a woman than you were before, no matter what the outcome. It is the strength that defines you 🙂
February 25, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Thanks Laura, that means a lot to me 🙂
February 24, 2012 at 5:50 pm
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger in many ways, as you just stated! “Change is inevitable, growth is optional” as our lives take turns and changes occur we have the option to grow with those changes, or not! It sounds like you’re growing through this challenge! Hoping for the best for you.
February 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Agreed, but sometimes I feel like I’d trade the growth for the family, even though I know that isn’t how it works. 🙂
February 24, 2012 at 6:50 pm
This is a great post and I have had the ah-ha moment with the feelings of anger lately. I feel less of it and that makes me happy. There is so much to learn from this journey, it’s just unfortunate that we have to be on this journey in the first place.
February 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm
“it’s just unfortunate that we have to be on this journey in the first place.”
DITTO to that
February 25, 2012 at 3:32 pm
Thanks for stopping by my blog! This is a beautiful, very well thought out post. I think I’ve found a lot of comfort by looking at the positive things I’ve gotten out of this difficult process—-faith, strength, confidence in my own ability to deal with things and a better perspective on life. I think, having gone through infertility, I’m much better prepared to be a parent.
Whenever I think about anybody who is having an utterly easy time with things, I think about my what my mom, who is a deeply spiritual person told me – that the most important thing that can happen in one’s lifetime is that your soul evolves through it. That the people who have easy, relaxed lives and never have to work for anything do not grow, and that is not a good thing. To which I indignantly (And only half-jestingly) replied, Well, I don’t WANT to evolve! Well, luckily or unluckily, you get no choices from the universe. We do not have an option whether to be on this train or not. But it need not be wholly in vain- it is up to us to try to get something positive from it
Jay, ICLW # 19
February 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm
As FRUSTRATING as it has been, I think I agree with your mom. The problem now is that I’m just so ready for it to be my turn sometimes its hard to see the positive and the soul growth. Sometimes I, like you, don’t want to evolve. 🙂 I also agree on being better prepared to be a parent. Hopefully we can continue to find comfort until it is our turn. Thanks for your words and for stopping by.
February 25, 2012 at 4:18 pm
Great post. I’m sorry you had to learn all these things this way but at least you are learning. This experience is filled with ups and downs and the best thing we can do is recognize everything as it comes. Good lessons or bad lessons, it is still a lesson.
Big hugs to you my dear!
February 25, 2012 at 5:28 pm
Awesome post! You’ve hit the nail on the head so many times with this. Couldn’t have said it any better.
February 26, 2012 at 12:42 pm
This is beautiful. I nodded my head in agreement as I read each line. Thank you for writing this.
February 26, 2012 at 2:40 pm
What a great post. I wish we didn’t have to go through the pain of infertility to learn these lessons, but at least we get something out of it, right?
February 26, 2012 at 3:32 pm
This is a great post. Thanks for sharing.
February 26, 2012 at 9:16 pm
This is an excellent post. Thank you. 🙂 HUGS