I’ve gotten many comments recently about my positivity (is that a word? It is now) and frame of mind regarding this IVF.
I feel like a bit of a fake, because I’m not always that positive. In fact, things have taken a bit of an unanticipated dip in the emotions department. Initially, when we decided to go through with the IVF, I felt better, more at peace, and even a little excited to be pursuing what is going to be our best chance at achieving pregnancy. I didn’t anticipate what a pain in the @$$ it would be to not only pay for the procedure, but try to decide which method would be best. And I didn’t anticipate this sudden, somewhat paralyzing fear of it failing.
And by failing, I mean more heartache.
I’ve read lots of blogs over the last few months. There is so much heartache in infertility, and not just in the inability to get pregnant, but the procedures, the ups and downs while waiting to find out if it worked, finding out it didn’t work, and worst of all, finding out it DID work, only to miscarry later. That is the heartache I fear the most. And I’m not going to lie, knowing that I have to pay over the next several years for these procedures, whether they work or not, doesn’t help much. Like a constant reminder of what didn’t happen.
I have seen and heard about one too many (all are too many) losses or complications in the last several weeks, and it’s been messing with my head. While I still 100% think that not trying would ultimately be more costly than trying, I really didn’t anticipate all this fear going into it. I know when all is said and done that it’s just money. But I feel like I’m handing a little bit of my heart over with the credit card, leaving it in the hands of fertility doctors, nurses, financial advisors, and God. I’m hoping that this is like the walls I hit while training for a marathon, where I push through it even thought I don’t want to, because I know that it won’t last forever and will be worth it in the end.
Please let it be worth it in the end.
February 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm
It will definitely be worth it in the end! I swear (well, I would if I did), that someday if I win the lottery I am going to start a non profit that raises money for people who do not have fertility coverage. There’s enough you have to worry about, money shouldn’t be one. I’m sorry.
February 5, 2012 at 3:59 pm
I’ve thought the same thing about the money issue – if we were ever wealthy enough or won the lottery how I’d like to have some sort of fertility scholarship or something. Thanks for the comment – they all help!
February 5, 2012 at 3:55 pm
It will be worth it. There are certainly days along the line where I have these same thoughts too. But those feelings will come and go and the reward definitely outweighs the risk. The financial aspect of treatment just complicates things.
Sorry your struggling with this today, but trust that you’ve made the right decision in pursuing your dreams.
February 5, 2012 at 3:57 pm
I KNOW that it will be worth it if it works – the fear is if it doesn’t. But all the worry is uesless and gets me nowhere, so I’m trying to be more positive.
February 5, 2012 at 4:06 pm
Unfortunately, I think that the fear will never really leave us. We may be able to push it aside for a while, but it will always show its face when it can. I’ve been very “emotionally neutral” throughout most of my first IVF so far, but in a way I think that that is also a result of the hidden fear you describe so well.
But you know what? We can’t let it win, we’re stronger! And I firmly believe that it will be worth it in the end (even if it doesn’t work).
Hugs to you!
February 5, 2012 at 4:08 pm
You can push past the fear like you pushed past your first 20 miler!
I’ll repeat what my mom said (I think I mentioned it before but I had to hear it more than twice myself for it to sink in a little), that always made me feel better… “every fail, every loss, every heartbreak and shot and test and every day you push forward is a day closer to your baby. He/she will find his/her way to you one way or another. Have faith…. You’ve got this!
February 5, 2012 at 4:17 pm
You writing is so honest and touching, as always. I may not have anything wise to say but I’m always here for you, willing to listen. Always. I recently attended a lecture about the positive influence of pessimism at work: if we always blindly just followed the most optimistic guys, we’d end up making unrealistic deals and lose our companies. We need a few of those more pessimistic persons there to ask the right questions: is this wise, which option would be the less harmful in the big scale of things, is this realistic etc. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m absolutely not saying you’re being pessimistic, I’m honestly saying you’re being wise, taking everything under consideration. Your body is wise in making you feel and think, too 🙂 It might not feel like that to you but that’s how I see it. Like I said, I’m not sure I have the right things to say but I’m here for you. *hugs*
February 6, 2012 at 10:37 am
It is so hard. Each day, each cycle, each wait puts us on edge, makes us question everything and frustrates us to no end. And yet, in the end, we somehow do manage to get up, move past the fear and hurt and move on, try again, find new ways to tackle the old problem.
I don’t know if it will help, but a lot of times (especially in my 2ww), I log onto http://forums.fertilitycommunity.com/ to vent and read through other women’s trails, successes and failures and give and get support during the process. It helps. Even though I have yet to have my success, it helps to see others who have struggled like I am succeed and gives me hope that my turn is coming. And, for those who have not succeeded, who needed to move on… it helps to read how they manage to get to that point, how they work through it, and ultimately how they come to acceptance.
I know I post a lot more of my frustrations than my good. But the process hasn’t been all bad. It’s been a lesson – I’m learning about myself, I’m learning about those around me and I’m learning about what is and isn’t important in my life. I posted a bit on the forum a couple weeks ago regarding getting through some of the hardships. I’m going to re-post on my own blog today and hopefully it helps.
We are strong. We push through where others may have given up. And we need to remember that. It is not going to be easy… but we can still do it. Because it’s just that important to us.
February 7, 2012 at 8:44 pm
I truly know what you mean. I read so many infertility blogs that have so much heartache and so few babies that it is hard to think that something might actually work. How can you think like that when it hasn’t worked for so many?
But truly it does work for people. I have 2 different real life friends that have gone through IVF and they each have 3 kids. One has triplets the other has a son and twin girls. It CAN work. And although its hard to stay positive it is so important to believe that you deserve this. Because you do. I’ll be there routing for you over the interwebs!