One of my least favorite things about infertility is its’ uncertainty. The solution can often seem annoyingly unclear, without a guaranteed result even once you make a decision.

I am the complete antithesis of a risk taker. I’m a planner. A list maker. I pack for trips two days early, considered homework assignments late if they weren’t finished before the due date. I make sure all of my ducks are in a row before making any big purchases. I save. I prepare for a more expensive result so I can be pleasantly surprised at my budgeting skills. I figure my home budget as though I make less than I actually do just in case I missed something- which I don’t. Well, not usually.

I’ve somewhat sadly spent the last several months trying to decide what to do in respect to these shots for Bryan. Do we wait it out or go balls to the wall, taking a huge emotional and financial risk?

As the non risk taker – I basically just spent all of that time hemming and hawing. Missing life. Upset alot. Going over every possible result over and over again.

You know what, me? Obsessively going over all the unknown details of a not yet made decision and all of its possible forks in the road is not only impossible, but enough to drive one a bit insane. I’m finding this struggle with indecision leaking into other parts and decisions in my life and finding myself not only constantly annoyed, but becoming indecisive about the littlest things.

What do you want for dinner? I don’t know.

What shirt should I wear today? *stares into closet for 5 minutes…..gets stressed out, gives up, and leaves house naked….just kidding*

What should I blog about? *stares at blinking cursor for 15 minutes*

What do you want to do today? Wish I was really a wizard. Oooh, or maybe write fan fiction.

Do you want some chocolate? Heck yeah!

Ok, well some decisions are still easy enough.

Finally, though, I just got kinda tired of it. All logic points to waiting a bit for both stability and financial reasons.  Hesitantly, I finally agreed to give the VA treatments until my 30th birthday. I’m really not thrilled about it, but obviously my lack of decision making regarding what path to take was a decision in and of itself. I’m too afraid to not only be brokenhearted, but also broke. And wavering about what to do was making my relationship suffer. Finally, after several months, I agreed to make a decision for sure.

Then, Bryan asked me if I wanted to use some savings money to fix some stuff around the house or save it in case we need it.

Well, shit.

Get back to me in a few months.

Advertisements