And not fair.
A rant on what frustrates and saddens me most about infertility and facing the possibility of IVF.
And yes I realize nothing has been decided yet. But I’m hoping maybe I can get this out there, and let it go. I’m doing all I can and its out of my hands anyway (perhaps the most frustrating). Somehow I doubt this is going to be my only “its not fair” type of post, but one can dream 🙂
Missing out on the excitement of “making a baby”. Although nothing sounds more exciting than the prospect of being poked by needles, prodded by doctors and violated by an ultrasound wand that is
vaguely totally phallic, I’d definitely pass if given the option. The last thing I dreamed when picturing my future family was feeling like a science experiment. (and one of the many reasons I’ve considered adoption) It already has that kind of quality in my head with charts, pee sticks and thermometers, and people who have been through the rigamorole of infertility treatment already are probably thinking HA! JUST YOU WAIT!
Expense…..and insurance. Very few health insurance policies cover infertility diagnosis, let alone treatment. And the cost of one fresh IVF cycle costs as much as a car (a small one, but still a car). The theory, I’m told is that having children is a choice and not a necessity. Right. Obviously the person who created the policy didn’t struggle or had any family that struggled with infertility. Bastards. I’m sorry, but that’s just bulls*$#. Who are you to decide? Guess what A$$hole, infertility is a MEDICAL PROBLEM for which we need HEALTH INSURANCE. Should we not treat exercise induced asthma because people can choose to exercise? Should we not treat a sports injury because someone chose to participate in the sport? (no, I’m not opinionated on this at all). Seriously. Ridiculous.
Then there’s the funding. I’ve always been responsible with money and I’ve saved, but I’ve saved with the idea of taking a long maternity leave to be with my child, not to cover the cost to even have said child,and potentially be forced to return to work sooner than I wanted to, assuming the treatment even works in the first place (and yes I realize this happens to many women for reasons unrelated to infertility, but this is my rant, so hush) I guess I feel like since I’ve done the responsible thing, I deserve the ending I planned on. Darn it.
Emotional roller coaster. I love roller coasters. But I’m ready to get off this one. Nothing is more confusing than feeling truly ready to face the challenges associated with infertility, only to have a total 180 the next day and have a near emotional breakdown. Some days I can talk about it and be totally fine. Others a total stranger can nonchalantly ask me if I’ve been drinking the baby water too and the result is waterworks. (rather embarrassingly). Some days I can ooh and aah at baby showers and pregnant bellies, others….well, just stay away. No really.
Relationship wrecker. Well, the potential to be.Its difficult to put into words. Nothing ruins the romance more than “hey honey I’m ovulating!”. And its not just that. Let’s just say that my maternal instinct mixed with my impatience can sometimes cause me to lose perspective. And you know what? Husbands don’t like their wives to be sad. The mood of one spouse can really effect the other and if you’re not aware and keep the lines of communication open, its easy to fall into a funk. I guess I just feel like life has enough stressors, do we really need to add this to the mix?
I can be a bad friend if you’re pregnant or have a baby. I don’t mean to. Sometimes it just hurts too much.But I don’t want to be like that, and it frustrates me.
Relax? Right. One major disadvantage of having the knowledge of your cycle is you can’t unlearn it. So even if I’m “taking an off cycle”, I still know typically when to expect to ovulate and would plan accordingly anyway. There is no more just relax and let it happen (plus if that were the case, it would have happened anyway).
Anxiety anxiety girl? Yeah. I’m anxious about another period. Than about missing ovulating. Then about whether my temps are high enough. Could I really be exercising too much? Should I drink? Not drink? Am I getting too old? Should we adopt? Crap I ate out and I could have saved that money. Maybe I really shouldn’t train for a marathon. Dang it we didn’t you know what today, we’ve totally missed our chance this month. Seriously I could write a whole post on what goes on in my head alone. (and might really understand my need to run)
Mostly though, what’s worst is the fear. That I won’t be able to have children. It’s silly really, because I’ve always been a determined person, and I’m not against adopting, so I want to be a mom and I’ll figure out a way to do it. Even though all of it still achievable. Even though I have no reason currently to believe it won’t happen. Even with all of my determination and stubbornness I’m jumping way ahead of myself and I’m left with a sense that this could be taken away from me. Because even taking care of myself and finding the best sperm to fertilize the best egg in the best circumstance could still result in no baby. And I have no control over it.
That’s most frustrating of all.
November 9, 2011 at 1:58 am
I love you. Just wanted you to know that.
November 9, 2011 at 8:50 pm
Love you too!
November 9, 2011 at 12:31 pm
Keep your head up – everyone close to you will be there for you 🙂
November 9, 2011 at 8:50 pm
I know, it just gets overwhelming at times. Thanks for being there!
November 9, 2011 at 4:41 pm
You put so many of my thoughts into words. I am not near the IVF train yet but the whole infertility experience is so draining. The biggest issues that I have faced are expense, relationship wrecker, and emotional roller coaster.
Just know you are not alone in your frustrations and that people are out there rooting for you!
November 9, 2011 at 8:49 pm
We are probably months away from it also, so alot of it is directed at general infertility. Thank you for your comment, it means alot to me!
November 9, 2011 at 11:39 pm
Some day I will understand why the people who want babies so much can’t have them while there are so many having them each day who don’t appreciate them. I am sorry you are going through this. I sincerely hope you don’t have to wait too long for a resolution.
November 10, 2011 at 7:59 am
That is one of life’s most frustrating ridiculous mysteries. And what sucks even more is that there isn’t a thing I can do about it. Thanks for your comment though! Its nice when people have my back! 🙂
November 19, 2011 at 9:26 pm
I am blog surfing and just came across your post. I have been there. Did the IVF route and my twins will turn 4 this week. I so relate to every single thing you wrote. Have faith.
Just curious? Have you done any acupuncture? I really think it made a difference for me.
November 19, 2011 at 11:16 pm
I have not tried it, but our issue is largely male factor. We are waiting to see if his shots help with more swimmers and then will go from there. But I keep hoping for a Miracle in the meantime, and try not to get too impatient or frustrated……
Thanks for your comment!