When I first started this blog I sat for a long time trying to figure out an appropriate name, particularly because the point was to blog both about the marathon I was training for and the long road down infertility lane.
A race ends when you cross the finish line. Our journey through the murkiness of infertility would be over when we crossed the finish line: bringing home a baby. Over the years I’ve learned that neither is quite that simple. Yes, a race is over when you cross the finish line but there is always more to learn and do to do better on the next one. Similarly, there is no real finish line to infertility – baby in the end or not. It’s something that stays with you always.
Four days – almost exactly- from now, we will meet our babies. The ones that, from start to finish, we have waited almost 4 years to meet. It feels very surreal. It also means the end, or the finish line, of the pregnancy – something I’ve found I have very mixed feelings about.
Finding out we were expecting twins I went into this knowing there is a good chance this will be my only pregnancy and in a way this makes me sad. Perhaps later down the road we will decide to try again, but for now two seems a good number and I in no way shape or form desire going through the ups and downs of the treatment process again – available frozen embryos or not. I actually think I’d like to donate them, but that’s a topic for another day.
My pregnancy, particularly for a twin pregnancy has been…..well….pretty easy. Aside from the few partially self induced scares surrounding all the Braxton Hicks contractions, it has been pretty free of complications and all in all mild discomfort. This isn’t to say I’ve enjoyed EVERY second, for example:
I won’t miss purchasing witch hazel wipes and other related products. Though I did feel less embarrassed about it given the belly.
I won’t miss taking a daily pill to keep me from vomiting thanks to reflux, and I won’t miss having to drink Miralax every morning to keep my digestive system moving.
I won’t miss hitting everything with my stomach. Well maybe a little – because it is kinda funny.
I won’t miss not being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in for more than 30-60 minutes. Though my sleep is soon to be interrupted for a totally different reason.
I won’t miss not being able to exercise.
I say that knowing that many of you out there might be reading this and thinking you’d give your left foot for vomit and an inability to sleep. I get that because I’ve thought it too. I want it to be understood that this list is not meant as a list of complaints. I always have and continue to feel amazed and blessed that I was able to experience it at all. Heck I may even find that I DO miss it a little. I’m just saying that I’m sorry but NO journey comes without some discomfort, regardless of what it is.
I’m pretty sure though, that when I think back on this pregnancy I won’t be thinking of the above list much anyway. I’ll be thinking of all the belly dance parties, watching it grow while wondering how it could possibly get any bigger (and it always did), the ultrasounds to check growth, hearing the heartbeats. I’ll be thinking about all the compliments I’ve received about how cute I look and how I don’t look pregnant from behind. I’ll be thinking about Bryan talking to my belly at night before bedtime telling the babies how excited he is to meet them. I’ll be thinking about the weekly pictures we took, the beautiful maternity photos, the fabulous baby showers and sharing the news, story and journey with everyone along the way.
I am very excited to meet these babies in 4 days, but a part of me will grieve the end of the pregnancy a little. I’m determined to enjoy these last 4 days as a human incubator (albeit a huge one) as much as possible. To stop and really feel when they move, take a few more pictures, eat a few more desserts. Like nearing the end of the marathon where the finish line is starting to come into view I feel simultaneously excited and sad. Excited to see the finish because it means all the determination paid off….and because everything hurts. Sad because its the end of another journey.
It is bittersweet. With races I sometimes look at the medals and remember them fondly. The same to be with pictures and memories of this pregnancy. The good thing, though, is that in both cases – there is still so much more to come. This journey may be ending, but a new one is about to begin.