Stuff I Want My Kids to Know #3: Fail Isn’t Always a Four Letter Word

Growing up we are taught to avoid the use of certain four letter words. They are coined bad words and words that we should not use until we are adults, and even then can be seen as rude an inappropriate. (One of my favorite four letter words begins with an “F” simply because it can be used as just about every part of speech in the English language, but I digress.) Four letter words aren’t limited to cuss words. Others have been given a bad rap, like diet. Regardless, they are seen as unpleasant and something that we try to avoid.

Let me just preface this by saying I don’t like to “fail”. I studied my butt off in school and try to do the best that I know how with both the small and large things in life in order to avoid failure. Whether due to hard work, talent, just plain dumb luck or a combination of all three, I’ve been mostly successful. I’ve managed to avoid “failing” in most of the things I have attempted. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

It isn’t all sunshine and roses, however, because part of the problem is that I am traditionally afraid of failure. I was notorious for this until about my mid 20′s – I never tried out for a school play (though I was lucky and found a local theater as an adult and pulled some courage together), never took a dance class in college and for awhile swore I’d never marry again because I didn’t want to repeat that failure. The fears dictated the choices I made, both large and small.

I was first married at the age of 22. My then husband and I had dated from my junior year of high school.   As a member of the Air Force, my ex looked forward to a life of traveling and fairly frequent deployments, a lifestyle I was not ready for. Our personalities were different. Our interests were different. Our goals were different. But we loved each other and I believed, naively, that love could conquer all. I learned later that this love was different. I was a different person then: anxious, worried, still suffering from some depression and disordered eating habits and had very little self confidence. This love stemmed, at least for me, from a form of dependence. What others’ saw before we even married I couldn’t see except in hindsight.

That relationship ended about 5 years later, and was something I had a very difficult time dealing with even though I was the one who left. I was only 27 and my marriage had failed. It was the biggest failure I had to deal with in my lifetime. Regardless of what he may have ever said or done I still firmly believe that it takes two for a marriage to succeed and two for it to fail. I absolutely played my part. I was too needy, too dependent, not confident or self sufficient enough. It wasn’t on purpose – I didn’t know any differently, but in the end I contributed to the separation as much as he had. While going through the motions of divorce and the logistics of separation at times I felt even more miserable than I had in the relationship. I felt like a failure. Because of that feeling, I couldn’t allow myself to look for someone different who might truly compliment me. It ruled how I lived my life.

Through the help of a no nonsense, tell it like it is therapist (which I appreciated) I sucked it up and ventured forward. And boy am I glad I did. Because today I sit here, married to a man who truly DOES compliment me, one that I’ve grown to love MORE as time goes on and not become more annoyed with, one that is really my best friend – something I thought didn’t really exist.

I get that not trying out for school plays and avoiding dance classes are small in the grand scheme of things and have likely not drastically altered the course of my life. What comes from all these fears of failure though, big or small, is one central thing: lacking the courage to try.

Never be afraid to fail. It’s going to happen. I am going to make some small and large mom failures with you guys. What seems the most important to me, though, isn’t the failures but what you learned from them. Had I not experienced that massive relationship failure I wouldn’t be where I am right now – feeling just about the most blessed I have in my life. Do the best that you know how with the information that you have and try, for both the big and little things and I think you’ll be able to avoid the biggest four letter word (in my opinion): regret.

Besides, sometimes FAIL can be funny.

Head back to your seat, buddy

 

Totally would have given credit for this

(pic source 1 and 2)  (pic source 3 and 4)

 

2012 Recap

Using the same format I used in 2011, a recap of 2012:

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

•  PR’d my marathon
• Gave myself multiple injections
• I got a tattoo on my foot, partly because of this infertility journey
• Saw my first ever positive pregnancy test
• Attempted to go skydiving – unfortunately it didn’t happen

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

2012

• Get pregnant! (darn it!) – WOO HOO!
• PR 2 more race distances- even though I didn’t run the last 4 months of the year I still managed to pull this one off! – WOO HOO
• Live more in the present – the jury is still out on this one
• Take a vacation – took a mini vacation to St. Augustine – not sure if this counts.
• Find a church- didn’t happen

2013

• Run a half marathon distance (or race) before the end of the year (after taking 10 months off, not sure how long this goal will take to achieve!)
• Live more in the present – I’m keeping this one with the babies coming – if I need this one I need it now more than ever as I am sure they will grow like weeds and one day I’ll wake up and wonder where the time went
• Be the best mom I can be
• Be flexible

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


• Jenny gave birth to Landon in the fall
• Megan S. had Harper this summer
• Jenna had Nolan in the fall
• Tiffany is due in a few weeks (again not in 2012 but close enough)
• Megan H. had Lucas early this year

4. Did anyone close to you die?


• A good friend of mine committed suicide this summer

5. What countries did you visit?

• Does Ohio count? Because its a really long drive.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

• Job stability

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

• January 14 – crossed the finish line of my second marathon. My favorite picture of this year was taken that day
  • 
  • February 20 – Bryan burns himself making fried chicken.  A trip to the VA ER is made.
  • March 11 – I learn that I have been running incorrectly – for the last 10 years. I spent the better part of the next few months trying to fix this
  • May 8 (ish) – Natalie graduates from college and we have a super fun weekend with contact paper in the process. We take pictures showing our immense maturity.
  • May 12( ish) – I decide to let go a little. We build a fence. We buy a new washer and dryer. We replace the downstairs floor.
  • Memorial Day – Rachel gets married. I get to be in the wedding. YAY
  • July 12 – Our IUI cycle is canceled.I AM PISSED.
  • July 28 – I get my second tattoo
  • August 1 – I begin BC pills for the IVF
  • August 19- my 30th birthday. I attempted to make it big by skydiving, but it got canceled. Twice. I play a long weekend of softball tournament instead. We win.
  • September 18 – my first ever positive pregnancy test
  • October 4- we learn that both eggs stuck – we are having twins!
  • December 14 – we learn that Bubbles and Squishy are a girl and a boy!
  • December 25 – we publicly announce the boy and girl news

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


• Finishing the marathon. Even though I’ve done this once, training sucks so much out of you that I consider both a huge accomplishment
• Finally letting go a little (see above)
• WOO HOO we’re pregnant!

9. What was your biggest failure?

• Spending over half the year worrying and stressing about getting pregnant. I’m not even sure how much time I wished and stressed away. (unfortunately this still holds true from the year before – though I think I did better overall this year)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

• Other than the standard infertility and allergies, not really.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

• New floors!!

12. Where did most of your money go?

• Mortgage and bills, IVF

13. What did you get really excited about?

• Running races, pregnancy

14. What song will always remind you of 2012

• songs remind me more of events than years. So I guess maybe Titanium.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


• – happier or sadder? happier!
• – thinner or fatter?  HA Fatter!
• – richer or poorer? About the same

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?


• Vacations – mini or otherwise

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?


• Stress about money – everything turned out to be fine

18. How did you spend Christmas?

•  Went to Ohio to visit my mom, dad, sister, grandfather and aunt. It may very well be his last Christmas this year.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

• Modern Family
• Dexter
• Sister Wives
• Breaking Amish

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

• 50 Shades of Grey ( I know, I know ). I was lame and did not read much this year.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?


• The new Muse album
• Maroon 5 – One More Night
• Ace of Base – I resurrected this one
• Bruno Mars – Locked out of Heaven
• Titanium – David Guetta

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

• The Hunger Games
• Flight
• Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

• The big 30! I was supposed to go skydiving with a friend, but it was canceled due to weather. We ended up having dinner where B and I got engaged with a few friend who could make it last minute, and spent a night downtown.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

• You know…..nothing.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

• I so don’t care. I just buy what I think is cute. And on sale. Bonus if its both.

26. What kept you sane?

• My husband
• My friends
• Reading
• Running
• Blogging

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.


• Expect the unexpected. Sometimes there just isn’t a good reason why things happen. In the end, though, I think it all turns out ok. At least it better.

All I Want for Christmas

Many times on my walks/runs I find myself thinking about where I am now and where I was the year before.

Holidays can be bittersweet. Sometimes more bitter than sweet.

The last few years of holidays, while not bad persay, were not on my list of favorites.

In 2008 I had recently separated from my ex-husband.

In 2009 Bryan and I were dating – this was a pretty happy holiday season but I know we were both still recovering from these broken relationships. Divorce is not easy even when you know it is the right thing.

2010 and 2011 were consumed with infertility. So was part of 2012. In fact I wrote a post specifically in 2011 about how much I was NOT looking forward to the holidays. Then I later wrote a 2011 recap post admitting that I wished I hadn’t let infertility worry take over my life, setting a 2012 resolution to live more in the present. Several conversations were had that year[2011] between Bryan and myself about the person it was turning me into and the effect it was having on our relationship.

If you’ve ever had bouts with depression, the two can be pretty comparable in the way that it can slowly take over your life in such a way that you wake up one day and its all you can think about – not even completely sure how that happened.

The holidays have a way of bringing this forward even more so. Because while your friends and family are Santa shopping, taking pictures in cute Christmas outfits or wrapping a bow around a belly with a tag that reads: do not open until 2013, you’re left feeling guilty that you aren’t more thankful for what you have, yet wondering if you’ll ever get the chance to do the same.

Last Christmas was hardest because we had 2 years under our belts and I was too sucked in to truly appreciate any forward movement that presented itself sperm count or treatment wise. We didn’t even put up a tree I was so bah-humbug about the whole thing. The icing on the cake was when a new cycle  made itself known on Christmas morning. This isn’t to say I wasn’t able to find some light in the holiday season at all – I had a really successful 20 mile run in training for my marathon, catching up with old friends and even some humor when using a spatula to clean ice off my car window. But it was all with the nagging in the back of my head I seemed unable to switch off. Sometimes I think back and wonder how much I missed.

This year was a big year for us – for reasons that I still don’t completely understand I was finally able to let go a little. And, as luck would have it our first IVF cycle was successful. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. But when this holiday season rolled around I found myself more ready to celebrate and decorate. Given the successful cycle this probably comes as no surprise, however, I still remember without reminder how much the holidays can really suck.

As I get older getting things for Christmas becomes less important. This Christmas I wish I could grant a BFP and a healthy baby to everyone dreading Christmas because of the cards they have been dealt.  All I want for Christmas is a baby for everyone trying so hard to have one. (and of course, healthy babies of my own). Unfortunately, I don’t have this kind of power.

But we can always hope, right?

What I Like About You

Today is mine and hubs’ anniversary. (Tiffany, did I get the grammar right this time?) When we decided to get married on September 11, albeit 9 years later, I questioned this choice, wondering if it would seem callous. But, my friend had a point when she said that it could more of a symbol of new beginnings and moving forward.

I’ve been so wrapped up in all of this IVF stuff that when he called me last night and said “Happy Anniversary Tomorrow”!, I responded with “oh yeah, that’s tomorrow”. (In my defense, I remembered it when he was here for the egg retrieval – and is another case in point as to why I never get birthday or other related cards out on time, because I always remember at strange times)

Keeping somewhat in tune with Stupid Stork’s “A Weird Little Glimpse into my Marriage” theme (because I’m cheating a little and because I’m technically a day late….but not a dollar short, so I think this helps my case), today’s post is about my husband.

We met on Match.com

No, I’m not kidding. I opened an account seriously not expecting anything, and found the idea to be rather strange. But since I’m not a bar hopper, sports lover or avid church goer,  I gave it shot. The site annoyed me even more because it allowed you to “wink” at people you might be interested in, and I thought any guy who couldn’t get up the courage to send me even a  message over the internet vs clicking  stupid little button surely wasn’t worth my time. I mean seriously? You don’t even have to actually walk up and talk to me. It’s a computer. Don’t be stupid and wink at me.

He winked at me.

Perhaps I was feeling snarky that day, but against my better judgement and for reasons that I STILL don’t understand, I winked back, simultaneously rolling my eyes. (boy that would be a talent, wouldn’t it?). He won some bonus points when a little chat window immediately popped up. At least he wasn’t going to spend the whole night virtually winking at me, making me wonder if he has virtual eye spasms.

We tried this for a few minutes but the site was having issues, so we tried Facebook. When THAT was having issues, I suggested we try the phone. He sent me his number and I dialed.

He didn’t answer.

What is WITH this guy?

A few seconds later he called back – he couldn’t remember where he had left his phone, a habit that will continue and annoy me to no end in the years to come. After speaking on the phone for a bit I suggested we meet up, as I am not a fan of talking on the phone. We met at Barnes and Noble and talked till it closed. Then we stood in the parking lot an hour after it closed. We went out on a “real” date the next day and from then was attached at the hip. We dated for a year, were engaged for 3 weeks, and got married in my best friends living room. I bought a tea length dress on sale and we found wedding bands at a pawn shop a mere 2 hours before we got married. Sometimes the best weddings are the one planned at the last minute

Aren’t we cute?

I love this one

And now, him, in bullets:

• He is a fabulous cook, which is awesome because I HATE cooking. When he’s not here I live on frozen meals, oatmeal, pizza and cereal. I’m simply too lazy
• When he lacks sleep, he gets in silly moods and mumbles about things that make absolutely no sense. I mean they are in English, but they make no sense.
• He doesn’t sing along to lyrics, he sings along to to the sound effects in the background
• He can NEVER find his phone/keys/wallet. Sometimes all three. No matter how many times I suggest he put them in the same place when he gets home so they won’t get lost. There is always a last minute search for the wallet as we are walking out the door, usually accompanied with a “hey babe – do you know where my wallet is?” Why yes, I do, I just prefer to send you on a wild goose chase.
• I don’t like to spend money on myself, and when I do I tend to feel guilty. So when I come home and tell on myself, his response is “good girl” (and not at all sarcastically either). I still find this amazing
• He is extremely complimentary. He tells me I’m beautiful constantly. And even after all *I* have put them through with this infertility mess, when we got home from the egg retrieval he told me he was proud of me, and thanked me for putting my body through all of this just to have his babies (cue:  melt). He has been 100% supportive all the way through.
• I like to mess with him when he is sleeping. Once, we had an entire conversation. He went to  bed early that night and suddenly I heard “what if it doesn’t fit in the box??!” Stunned, amused, and unaware he was still sleeping, I responded “WTF are you talking about?” He repeats “what if it doesn’t fit in the box?!”. Still confused but unsure how to respond I replied “I have no idea”. He responds “you should know you work there!!” (Turns out he was dreaming about being in the UPS store, renting a mailbox and wanted to know what would happen if the package didn’t fit in the box)
• He is right on par with my “that’s what she said” jokes.
• He once sounded a bit too excited when asking me why I was recording the XXX Olympics and how that must be a kind of “special” olympics . A few second later it dawned on  me and I responded that the XXX was the 30th Olympic Games.
• He’s a handyman! He installed our floors and fence!
• He makes up songs with me that have lyrics that make no sense
• He doesn’t like to put the silverware away
• 
• He’s going to make a great dad, and I can’t wait to make him one
• I still sometimes can’t believe we are married

Happy Anniversary, hubby.
(And on the IVF front, we learned today that we have 8 embryos will be frozen! And I feel totally normal. If I didn’t have the pics of embryos on my fridge I would have thought it never happened)

Finding a Balance

Hi. My name is Theresa. I have catastrophe brain. I am a catastrophe-brain-aholic. (I also consume a bit too much sugar, while we are confessing things)

On birthday morning my alarm went off at 7 so I could give myself my injection.Then I loaded up my ipod and took the dogs for a walk while I rocked to some recently downloaded Ace of Base. (On a side note – I had the cassette tape of their first album in 1996 and listened to it SO MUCH that I literally wore the tape out and had to get another one) After a couple trips around the block I dropped them back home and walked some more on my own. The sun was shining and I thought to myself that having to kick my activity down a notch to walking once I start stims might not be so bad. The slower pace allowed me to be more observant. I stopped to give a dog a belly rub. I stood and watched a butterfly land on a flower and just hung out for a minute before flying by me and away.

I was getting dressed thinking about how I might start my birthday blog post about how peaceful I felt when the phone rang.

It was the skydiving company.

As soon as I saw it I knew what was coming.

Canceled due to weather. My huge mess finally scheduled on the last slot ON MY BIRTHDAY skydive wasn’t happening. And not only that, they didn’t have any spots open next weekend. Meaning: no skydive before IVF.

Without thinking much about it, I confessed to the lady that I was scheduled for a procedure in September and couldn’t jump after August. (I felt slightly guilty about this admission later, not knowing what the outcome of this was going to be for sure). She took pity on me and the fact that I was choking back tears and squeezed us in for next weekend.

So I can still do my skydive.

But at the time it didn’t matter – all that inner peace and zen I had an hour ago? Gone. I was annoyed that the plans were ruined and annoyed that I hadn’t thought of a back up plan.

I finally decided to go shopping. Bryan and I keep some separate finances and so his gift to me was spending money – because in all the craziness of infertility among other things, I’ve been a nut about money (ok ok, I’m always a nut about money) recently. Even shopping I couldn’t quite relax. I’d pick up clothes I like and Bryan would encourage me to buy them and I just couldn’t because “this sweater is$40!”. (Though I did manage to chill a bit later and had decided to say screw it -went back for said sweater and didn’t like it once I tried it on later anyway. True to form I found 2 sweaters and a tank top at a different store for the same price as the one I was fretting over…old habits die hard)

Sigh.

We had thrown together some last minute dinner plans and found 8 people willing and able to join us. Unfortunately, the waiter totally sucked, kept forgetting things, and when he brought out birthday ice cream, put it in front of the wrong person. Then, at the hotel, the fireplace didn’t work. (Yes, I know its August. I was cold) And I left my Ipod there. (Its whereabouts are still currently unknown)

Annoyed, I declared once the night was over that this birthday “kinda sucked”.

Going backwards a bit – a blog friend of mine a couple of nights ago had sent me a tweet about a difficult yoga pose that was causing her some frustration. The elusive Crow – a difficult balance pose. I went to yoga once a week in college and that was one of my favorite poses. I can manage to get into it and hold it for a few seconds. I tried it Sunday morning and found that while it took a great deal of concentration, I have some decent muscle  memory.

I fell out of this the second he snapped the picture

I sent this picture and she asked me what muscles I used more…my abs or my arms. I thought about it and realized I wasn’t sure, so I tried it again. I said it was really a mixture of both in combination with the placement of your legs to find the right balance….some pun intended.

Fast forward. This morning I got out of bed for my  run – that I so happened to time perfectly with the sunrise. Stopping to watch the sun rise over the Charleston Battery I found myself not really caring any more about the sucky birthday.

Life, birthdays, yoga, infertility. It’s all about finding a balance. Of muscles, relationships, plans, of the good and the bad.

No, I didn’t get to skydive. Yes, the waiter at dinner sucked and yes the day as a whole didn’t go at all as planned, but it didn’t suck. I still got to spend the day with my husband who so sensitively gave me a perfect birthday present, had a good time hanging out with those who could come to my last minute birthday dinner and make fun of the waiter, and ended up with 60 some odd birthday messages on Facebook. Will this new found insight keep me from having catastrophe brain in the future? Probably not any time soon, but I’m quickly learning that very few things are true coincidences.

This is before I realized my Ipod had gone AWOL

And just because I found this to be absolutely hysterical today:

Everyone have a good day and shit

Make New Friends

Bryan was home this weekend and we were doing one of our infamous: “what do you want to do?”
I dunno, what do you want to do? “I don’t really care, what do you want to do?”

We aren’t usually this annoyingly indecisive, but I imagine Bryan just wanted to not think after all the driving and I wanted to do SOMETHING but wasn’t sure what. Kinda like when you’re hungry but nothing you have in your house sounds good, and even when you think about eating out nothing quite hits the spot.

I have a tendency to enjoy my “be lazy and sit around the house” time, but after a few hours I get cabin fever (and is also why I would do HORRIBLY on bed rest) and start to feel like I must get out for a bit, even if all I do is walk around Target.

None of my suggestions were working.

We could go play mini golf – too hot (it was)

We could walk around the mall – what guy wants to do that, anyway?

We could take the dogs for a walk -too hot ( I guess I didn’t get the hint the first time)

We could do housework (hahahahahaha!)

We could eat – we just ate. (oh, right)

After a bit I started to get silly:

We could run around the neighborhood and play ding dong ditch

We could walk the dogs and let them poop on all the lawns

We could could open all the windows and…uh…be loud

We could debate the pros and cons of the sock/flip flop combo (admittedly, this one was an afterthought I just now thought of, but funny enough to add to the list)

Crickets.

So we started going through the list of friends we could possibly hang out with. So and so is working. So and so is out of town etc.

Eventually we left the house (and for the life of me I can’t remember where we ended up going) and I pondered on the concept of making friends as adults. How it seemed so much easier when we were kids when you could just compliment on a girls’ Hello Kitty pencil case while showing off your fancy new Rainbow Brite notebook (uh oh I think I just dated myself) and poof! you’re instant friends. The playground buddy, share your lunch, talk on the phone for 2 hours about absolutely nothing kind. I’m starting to wonder, should we ever move, how we would go about creating another circle of friends.

Bryan was looking at some temporary housing while in Florida and during his search came upon a few, shall I say,” interesting” postings looking for roommates. Most were normal, but my favorite involved the following quote: “reply with the word swing.er so I know you’re serious”

I….uh…..sorry, what?

So we joked about creating our own craigslist ad, but couldn’t quite figure out how to word it. 35 WM/29WF seeking another adult couple to have fun with, dounble date with, . (Dang double entendres!) Ahem, working couple seeking platonic relationship with another couple for occasional drink/coffee date/movie. Reply with “alphabet” if you’re serious. (hey, its a totally safe, random, non double-entendre-like word)

Maybe I’m better off complimenting a random girls’ purse and asking if they would like to be our friend, while trying to maintain a hopeful but not creepy-stalker kind of look.

Bonus if she has a Hello Kitty pencil case.

Perhaps we’ll just be going out alone. And will hopefully never move.

all images found on pinterest

Give It A Shot

I feel a little out of control recently.

And because I a little (ha!) type A, it drives me a bit crazy.

When we decided to move forward with the IUI idea, I remember saying literally “lets give it a shot”. Maybe all our systems need is a bit of a push forward to make this happen. Maybe they need more than that, but it seemed worth a chance or two.  I spent quite a bit of time debating though – if it doesn’t work, its money taken away from our IVF fund, its time taken from work.

Dh’s job search had yielded a few prospects, but nothing that turned out to be the right kind of opportunity. Then, a few weeks ago (right when we were discussing and planning the IUI), he got a call from a contract company looking for someone to work in research and development, something he’s very interested in. Unfortunately for us, the company is located out of Florida, and they want us to move there (it’s a temporary contract that I think they want to make permanent). I am not ready to move (we just finished the floors and fence darn it!) For the time being though, he will be traveling back and forth – to Florida on weekdays and home on weekends. It kinda gives everyone a chance to feel this out, but we are kinda taking things week by week.

They are both going to be an interesting experiment. I have no idea what to expect from this fertility treatment because it’s our first.  I always hated living by myself when I was single, but I keep busy so that should help. Things are suddenly so different. Plus:

Today was my first shot.

You vs. me Mr injection pen

As with anything new I was a little nervous but it turned out to be really rather anticlimactic. I spent more time trying to get the darn Follist.im container out of the plastic than I did giving myself the actual injection. (Sometimes I think they make those packages child adult proof). It stung bit afterwards but otherwise didn’t hurt at all. I have one more tomorrow and a follicle check on Tuesday.

One of the things that drives me the craziest about infertility is how little control I have over any of it, besides taking my medicines on time and showing up to scheduled appointments. I have no control over how well the medicine works or how my body responds. Same with DH’s job. (though the unknown is more annoying to me than a lack of control). The fact is, I have no idea whether any of it is going to work out at all.

We’re just gonna give it a shot, literally and figuratively, and hope for the best.

I’d Rather Use a Fork to Eat

Life throws lots of curveballs.

Fortunately, this is a positive one.

Bryan and I had discussed and agreed to get more information on the Barbados IVF. I had just faxed a record release yesterday asking our local clinic to sent our records to Barbados so we could have our phone consult and decide for sure when we wanted to try to go. All the while, he has diligently been taking his hormones prescribed by his endocrinologist, but after 4 less than fabulous SA’s – I didn’t expect this one to go any better, and honestly, I don’t think Bryan did either.

His sperm count is normal.

Yeah, you read that right, NORMAL.

36 million with 70% motility.

Holy crap.

NOW WHAT?

After months of “IVF is your only option”, I’m not even sure what to do with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited, but I am also tired of waiting. It seems absolutely silly to jump into IVF right now, but I think I still need a deadline. I unfortunately tend to fall into the more realistic pessimistic category, thinking still of my PCOS ovaries, my blocked tube, and the ever elusive “unexplained infertility”.

In this case, too much knowledge and the start of yet another new cycle has killed my ability to be positive or excited at this point.

So we’re at yet another fork in the road. Do we keep trying naturally for awhile? Do we try an IUI? At this point I feel more like “put a fork in me, I’m done”.

I think I’ll just use the fork to eat some pie. Maybe a whole one.

Finding Us

Several weeks ago I got an email from my timeshare.

Usually, if you don’t use the points you get for the year, they are automatically saved so you can use them the next year. You can’t use them during the high season, but at least they don’t disappear.

Apparently timeshares are also feeling the effects of the economy, because this particular email informed me that if I wanted to save my points, I would have to fork over $35.

Are you flipping kidding me?

So naturally my logic kicked in and I declared DARN YOU TIMESHARE, I will show you by scheduling a trip, so I don’t have to pay you $35!!!! We are going to St Augustine over Easter weekend!!

Because the gas will cost like $150, so that train of thought totally makes sense right?

As it turns out, it did. But for a totally different reason.

Marriage is hard. Unemployment doesn’t help. Now let’s throw in infertility. Anyone with half an iota of experience in infertility can tell you that it can ruin marriages. Even when you’re on the same page as far as the plan. And don’t get me started on the effects of your….uh….extracurricular activities.

We did some planning ahead. A wonderful neighbor so nicely agreed to watch the dogs, we took food to cook and planned on spending most of our time at the beach and the pool (yay free activities!). Although we should have saved the money, we both agreed we really  needed the getaway. So we packed the truck, said goodbye to our furry friends and hit the road.

Friday we hit the beach. Bryan was an avid kite flyer many moons ago when his family lived in Savannah, so he brought them out of the dust. He is also an avid shopper at the Habitat for Humanity Re-Store. Although I make fun of him for it, he has actually purchased some cool stuff there, including our patio furniture, a George Foreman Grill and a Cappuccino machine (I have been there a few times and have yet to find anything that cool). At one visit recently, he announced that he spent $2 on a little pup tent that we could probably use. It was still in his truck (because, shockingly, we hadn’t needed it), but we figured it might come in handy. We found a spot, and set it up. It became apparent that he hadn’t taken it out of the packaging at the store:

Coolest tent EVER

Well, at least we wouldn’t lose our stuff.

Bryan spent the better part of 2 hours putting a kite back together that his dad made for him for his birthday. After much finagling (him) and string holding (me), he was able to get it into the air. Yes, that’s what it looks like it is

He had also borrowed a medal detector from a friend so he searched for treasure

While I enjoyed the view of my (soon to be very sunburned)  feet

hi feet!

Afterwards it started to get cold, so we went back to the hotel and had a nap, cooked dinner, walked around the outlet mall to window shop (where I subsequently bought a new pair of running shoes, justifying it by saying I’m using the money we would have spent boarding the dogs…..and that I really  need to have good shoes for my feet…..what? I do) and hit the hot tub. Saturday I went running (shock, right?) and we had lunch with his mom, step dad and grandmother, who happened to live only 90 minutes away. We hit the other side of the Outlet Mall that night, but this time, we were serious

That’s my window shopping face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Although I didn’t NEED anything, I thought it would be nice to find something for the summer. In our search, we acted like spies:

Powers and Powers, super spies

Bryan also demonstrated just how cool he is:

And I tried on some SUPER attractive outfits:

For the record, I did NOT buy that.

 After our shopping excursion, we spent the rest of the evening downtown. We had a drink in this nifty historic tavern and had the BEST salad EVER at this Columbian restaurant, where I also had a giant piece of chocolate cake. Mmmm…cake.

Sunday, I got a pic with the Easter bunny…kinda.

As an added bonus, we stopped by his dad’s on the way home, where I was able to meet him, Bryan’s step mom, and their super cute Pomeranian. (of course I am not at all biased because I have one, too)

We were less than thrilled to head back to the grind on Sunday. But this trip made me realize something. We were STRESSED OUT. Not that I didn’t know that, but this trip allowed us to be US again – the silly, stupid song making, ridiculous picture taking, FUN couple we were before all of this nonsense started. We laughed, slept in, and enjoyed each others’ company. For a few days I wasn’t constantly worried about money and IVF. One of the suckiest side effects of infertility (besides the obvious) is the way that it can slowly inch its’ way into your marriage, and its’ ability to leave you feeling one day, seemingly out of the blue, that your relationship just isn’t the good solid thing it was before. You start to wonder “how did we get here?”.  These few days away helped us find US again. We need US to be successful at becoming parents. That isn’t to say that everything is perfect now that we are back home. Stress doesn’t go away, and unfortunately you can’t just run away from it. But the last couple days at least things have felt more lighthearted, and for once I’m glad to have that timeshare, so the next time I get an unsuspecting email about another charge I can say wholeheartedly TAKE THAT TIMESHARE! We will just take a trip!

Adventures in Gym Rattery

With the exception of race training, I’ve been a gym rat for years. I’ve been a member of college gyms, military base gyms and local gyms. In the fall we canceled our gym membership in an effort to save money, and because neither of us were going – I had started training for my 2nd marathon and was mainly running, and Bryan, well, he just wasn’t going.

In an effort to keep my exercising more low impact, we recently began talking about joining again. I came home after work a few weeks ago to Bryan’s announcement that he had signed a contract for the 2 of us at the brand new gym up the street. I was pis.sed at first because I knew that it was going to be more expensive, and because part of the reason I go to the gym is to take group classes, and new gyms are usually lacking in that front.

After a completely pointless and useless argument about the above and about how I totally don’t get the point of 24 hour gyms (seriously, who goes to the gym at 2am?), I acquiesced, traded in my running shoes for my gym shoes, and re-started my adventures in gym rattery.

I had forgotten one of the advantages of running is that I can get up, put on my shoes, run, come home, shower and go. Taking into account travel time, I realized I had to start getting up at the not-even-close-to-the-crack-of-dawn-time of 530am.

530 am is not my friend. I don’t like to get up before it’s light outside. The way I see it, if the sun is still sleeping, *I* should still be sleeping. Not only that, but it appears that the employees of the gym agree, because it isn’t staffed until 8am. Little did I know that even as I was arguing about the uselessness of a 24 hour gym, I would be consistently using it during its un-staffed period. That’s a first. You’d be surprised at the number of crazies who line up to take spin at 530 am. (that is, if it was available). They do apparently have an early morning Boot Camp class….that you have to pay extra for. Now, why on earth would I want to do that?

The facility itself is nice enough. I have to admit I like all the nice new, mostly non sweaty equipment except for the lack of stair machines and 3 tiny 20 inch televisions that there is no way you could see unless you were standing right under them. Why bother? Even my freakishly early morning experiences have been quite pleasant, as there are very few people crazy enough to go to the gym at the-not-even-close-to-the-crack-of dawn.

Until yesterday.

I’m minding my own business, walking on an incline on the treadmill while reading my e-book on the Left Behind series. I’m calmly increasing my heart rate while reading about the end of the world when I hear: “UUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!”

WTF?

Thinking that perhaps someone dropped a weight on their foot and might need medical assistance, I reluctantly stop reading about the end of the world and turn to figure out what happened.

I see nothing.

Weird.

I continue.

UUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!

Perplexed, and now somewhat annoyed, I turn again. There are like, 4 other people there so this issue shouldn’t be hard to find. All I see to my left is a guy lifting weights…..and suddenly it dawns on me.

The man is doing his bicep curl, and uttering “UUUUUUGGGGHHH!”

Why? Why is that necessary? Do you need to feel super macho? Are you lifting a weight that is too heavy? I’ve done some weights. I get that sometimes when you’re holding your breath and exhale suddenly you might voice a little, but really is THAT necessary? Is there something about it that I don’t get?

Luckily, I brought my Ipod.

Yesterday morning I went and was relieved to find a list asking for votes on exercise classes. I requested a night/weekend  power yoga class and step class. Upon telling Bryan of this, he announced that at his next visit he was going to request “the one with all the se.x positions…?”

“The Kama Sutra?” I asked.

“Yes, that’s it!”

I shook my head.

It’s definitely going to be an adventure.