Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Infertility,

When we first met I didn’t really know you existed. You were like a quiet follower, tip toe-ing around in soft slippers while I went about my life. You were there but I never saw you, didn’t really understand what you were or how you were about to turn my life upside down.

We met a bit more formally a little over a year later, when I found myself feeling slapped in the face by life and what felt like my own consistent misfortune, watching others’ so easily get what I was finally realizing I wanted so badly. You ceased tip toe-ing around me then,  and appeared suddenly in front of me with the same kind of shocking impact as someone who interrupts what is clearly a very personal and private conversation with their own agenda. You were rude and uninvited.

I hesitantly started a relationship with you with our first visit to the RE, and somehow, without my fully knowing it, you began to take over my life. I gave up  my control to you and watched myself become hurt, bitter, and sometimes jealous. I was moody and distant and began to lose what I liked most about myself. I got some of it back by starting my blog, but my focus turned to attempts to save every penny and control every aspect I could about my cycle and my life, as if you were going to really allow me that.

Maybe it was the two thwarted IVF plans, maybe it was the news of hubby’s latest sperm count, maybe it was something spiritual. Maybe it was some combination. Maybe it was none of that. But for whatever reason, I am ready to finally separate from you. Over the course of time, our relationship has become toxic.  I refuse to remain in a relationship that doesn’t allow me to grow. I’m tired of putting off projects, of surrendering my quality time, of putting life on hold.

An unplanned trial separation turned out better than I could have hoped for – with a fun weekend with my family and permission to myself to spend some of the money I couldn’t bear to part with. I went away and enjoyed myself. We spent money on a fence for the yard and I don’t regret it one bit. In fact, today hubby and I started looking at flooring (!!). I’ve learned from our time together and in the long run wouldn’t change it, however, I’m ready for it to be over.

It’s time we break up.

Today I’m moving on to a healthier relationship Trying to Conceive – with two functioning (albeit not perfectly) reproductive systems, I’m declaring next cycle as Cycle 1. You remember – the time when just starting was exciting, where you could simultaneously attempt to add to your family and enjoy life. Where it’s not a big deal if it doesn’t work right away, because there is always next month.

Worst case scenario – we meet again in Barbados in the fall/winter.

For now, and hopefully forever – goodbye and good riddance. Please let the door hit you on the butt on the way out.

No Love,

Me

A Post About Nothing In Particular

Making the decision to ignore infertility and simply live for awhile is great for the soul, but bad for the blogging. Without that constant reminder, I’m left with not much to write about.

We (by we I mean Bryan) are planning our next home improvement attempt: refinishing the floors. When we bought this house we knew we’d have to fix the floors. The renters who lived here prior to us clearly had no respect for stuff that isn’t theirs. It appears as though their dog ran rampant through the house with his or her claws digging into the wood. You probably think I’m exaggerating, but you’d be wrong. I agreed to the idea of attempting to refinish as long as it didn’t cost too much. I may be more lax about spending, but we still may need that IVF money one day. Building the fence was a fabulous idea though, as Bryan stepped outside the back door this morning to wish me off, declaring (though really only loud enough for me to hear) that he was standing outside in his underwear and no one could see him.

It’s the little things, right?

The Barbados clinic called me a few days ago to ask if we were still interesting in pursing the IVF Vacation. At this point I told them to contact me again late summer/early fall. If our bodies can’t manage it on their own by then I figure it will be time to commence….

Are you ready for this?

Operation Insemination Vacation

I should be a comedian, right?

Yeah I get it, don’t quit my day job. Regardless, that’s what we’re calling it. In the meantime, I’m hoping this relaxed attitude sticks around for awhile. I paid a visit to the Doctor’s Care yesterday, was greeted by a very pregnant doctor while reading an article about pregnant celebrities and didn’t even bat an eye.

Weird.

Hold Please

You know how sometimes, when you make a phone call, someone promptly answers but then somewhat unexpectedly asks you to please hold?

At first you say “sure, no problem”, expecting it will (hopefully) only be a couple of minutes. The elevator music in the background is somewhat amusing, however you still wonder to yourself what sane person would have such lame taste in music.

After a few minutes, the elevator music starts to go from amusing to annoying. No one has come back on the line yet, but you don’t want to hang up for fear of calling back and being placed on hold again. What if you’re mere seconds from being answered?

A few more minutes go by and you start think this is getting ridiculous. Have they forgotten I am on hold, here? And would you please turn this ridiculous music off?

Finally, after long enough you just hang up the phone, too annoyed to speak politely to whatever customer-service-person-who-probably doesn’t-like-their-job-much-anyway answers the phone. For now you have other things to do, you’ll call back later.

I guess I finally got tired of being on hold.

When Bryan shared his most recent sperm count news, I’ll admit I was a little less than thrilled at first – only because this meant changing plans for a second time, once again when I finally got used to Plan B. And the transition time that it took to adjust from Plan A to Plan B was probably longer than it should have been. I expected the same results adjusting to Plan C (keep waiting) but something clicked or set differently in my brain this time around, and suddenly I no longer cared to pin down a Plan D (when will we do the IVF).

Perhaps Bryan’s normal SA accounts for some of this – in all the time we’ve been trying I’m not sure we’ve ever had a normal amount of sperm to work with, so it seems silly to spend all that money without seeing if our own bodies can do the job. Maybe I finally got tired of planning. Maybe I just finally sub consciously realized that it’s really out of my control. Whatever the reason, before I left for Ohio I finally decided to hang up, so to speak. I told him to go ahead and use some savings to build the fence we’ve been putting off forever because we didn’t know if we’d need the money. I realized when I got back from my trip that I’d made it through the whole weekend without obsessing about fertility.

I attended a baby shower and genuinely ooohed and ahhhed over the cute baby clothes without wondering when I’d have my own. We went out and had a few drinks without my worrying about how much we were spending. We’ve talked about refinishing the floors (gasp, spending more money) downstairs, getting a storm door, or just doing a few of the smaller things around the house we’ve been wanting to do since we bought it a year and a half ago.

When I got home from Ohio, Bryan had built me a fence:

And I don’t regret the decision to spend the money one bit. It’s been freeing. I’m thinking about a small trip we can take this summer and maybe I’ll take one of those PTO days I’ve been saving. Maybe I’ll get my hair done or get a pedicure.  For now, I have no idea when Plan D will take place.

And for now that is ok. I have hung up the phone. I’m going to enjoy life for a bit, and I’ll call back later.

Contact Paper and Adventures in Graduation

I have this vague memory when I was smaller of adults cooing over how old I was getting, how tiny I used to be, and how they just remember me as a certain age.

I always found that annoying. Like, how? Do you not see me standing here now, clearly older? I was especially weirded out by people who exclaimed  how big I’d grown from when they used to babysit me, because I had no memory of any of that. Then they’d all wonder aloud where the time went and everyone else would nod in unison and agreement. I’d run away and play the first chance I had, wondering why all adults were so strange.

Then I watched my sister walk across the stage at her college graduation, the proud new owner of a Bachelor’s degree holder (they send it in the mail later which I’ve always thought was strange. Congratulations on your brand new degree….holder!) , and wondered to myself where the time went.

Confession: that’s not the first time that thought had crossed my mind.

And I already know I’m strange, so don’t bother telling me.

To backtrack a bit, I boarded a plane on Thursday headed for the mediocre  great and boring exciting state of Ohio. After a small freak out on Wednesday night about the fact that I wouldn’t be able to carry on my hairspray or mousse (see fear: pouf hair) and a perhaps-a-bit-too-frantic text to my mom and sister about the existence of said items at the house, I boarded the plane confident that I’d be able to keep my hair under control for the weekend.

If you had my hair, you’d understand.

Natalie had three main goals for the weekend:

1. Graduate

2. Move from apartment A to apartment B

3. Hang out with cool sister

Ok, I may have made that last one up.

Day One of “Operation Move Apartment” went fairly smoothly. No one broke any bones or threw any items across the room, which to me counts as a victory. I almost threw a do-it-yourself bench across the room when I couldn’t get the pieces to fit into the pre- measured holes, and found myself repeatedly sitting on them in my attempts to get the legs all the way into the seat. I was especially annoyed (albeit appreciative) after one of her guy friends managed to get them to fit in about 2 minutes.(Apparently all 128 pounds of my body just wasn’t good enough.) What was supposed to be a half day task naturally ended up taking all day, because the apartment hadn’t been cleaned very well after the previous person had moved out. Seriously, the dirt on the shelves? Gross. And in desperate need of a good scrub and some contact paper.

Contact paper and I have a love-hate relationship after spending several hours in a tiny kitchen (standing on the previously mentioned stool) covering shelves. Measure, cut, peel, unstick paper that stuck to itself or myself, press. Unpeel, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Unpeel, fix corner, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Cut excess with razor blade. Flatten. Rinse, repeat. I did it so many times that each time I peeled the paper from the backing I sang a two word song to myself titled simply “Contact Paper”,  which naturally became the joke of the weekend and was something I started singing at random times to amuse myself. I declared to anyone who would listen that I was 29 going on 18. Until that evening anyway when Natalie and her friend decided they wanted to go out to the bars….at midnight. It was already, like, 2 hours past my bedtime.

Is it bedtime yet?

At 2am, I pulled the “old” card and declared it was time to head back  because I wanted to go to bed.

I am so lame.

Also, on a totally unrelated note, double fudge cookie dough blizzards with peanut butter cups? Fabulous.

Saturday I got my happy butt out of bed and dragged it and Natalie’s butt running. We showered, ran a couple errands, grabbed breakfast and then I attacked contact paper: part 2. (Measure, cut, peel, unstick paper that stuck to itself or myself, press. Unpeel, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Unpeel, fix corner, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Cut excess with razor blade. Flatten. Rinse, repeat.)

After that, it was off to graduation:

Hi, we are with the graduate

I look nice now….

but I’ll totally steal your dollar when you aren’t looking

21 and 29 respectively, going on 5. We ranged many ages this weekend

Congratulations, Natalie.

FINALLY after all of that it was time for operation contact paper: part 3. (Measure, cut, peel, unstick paper that stuck to itself or myself, press. Unpeel, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Unpeel, fix corner, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Cut excess with razor blade. Flatten. Rinse, repeat.)

And you thought I was going to say dinner.

After another late night the whole family went to church the next morning. My aunt, who suffers from arthritis, asked me if I wouldn’t mind rubbing a couple of knots out of her shoulders. Afterwards, she told me she caught herself starting to ask me if, and I quote “did han.d jobs”. (i.e. would I massage her hands?)

For the record, the answer is yes, I do massage hands. Get your mind out of the gutter.

We took a trip in my mom’s convertible, where my mom and sister shared their incredible “cool-ness”

Suddenly, I had blinked and the weekend was over. And I found myself asking the question that I found so strange before: where did the time go? In fact, even with this incredibly long drawn out fertility journey, I ask myself that. It was nice to spend a weekend not worried, focused or even caring about fertility.

It’s time for more weekends like that. Ones that involve living and enjoying life.

Thanks for the awesome weekend, family.

One Hundred

(Sorry for my absence recently – life has been BUSY…..more on that in another post, which will hopefully make an appearance in less than a week)

I started this blog a little over 7 months ago. Of course I’d hoped the infertility journey would be over by post 100.

It isn’t.

But it’s been a crazy journey so far.

We started out with zero sperm. Today we have 36 million.

I finished my second marathon.

I cleaned snow off of my car with a spatula.

We made plans, changed them , and then changed them AGAIN.

I wrote an Ode to several different silly things.

I learned a great deal, was reminded that I am stronger than I think, and have started to truely understand that infertility is a marathon – as much as I wanted it to (and still wish it would) be more like a 5k.

I’ve had nearly 10,000 page views which takes me by surprise, even though I think many of them were thanks to strange searches such as c.um shoot a.nus ( I guess even those interested in the stranger side of life may want to read what I have to say….). I’ve always liked to think I’m a decent writer, but it means something totally different to have someone say they enjoy what I write.

All in all, the last 7 months and 100 posts have had many ups and downs. Just today I had a conversation with my friends dad about hard times, and how when you are going through it, it is so difficult to see the positives. But nine times out of ten, when it’s over, you find yourself thinking “that wasn’t so bad after all”.

I’m still ready for this infertility journey to be over, but don’t regret any of what has happened so far.

Here’s to another 100 posts, which will hopefully soon start me towards another finish line: motherhood.

In the meantime, I still have plenty of sarcasm to share.

April 30 Day Challenge (Days 16-30)

DAY 16:  Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over infertility, even just for a few minutes?  It could be a family member, friend, neighbor, or even the clerk at the grocery store who noticed you OPK and vitamin purchase.  Tell the story.

At a neighborhood block party last July, I met a couple of women in a similar boat, where we all half jokingly complained about how unfair it was to be stuck in this situation. Since then, one has gotten pregnant and two of us have not.

DAY 17:  If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?

• To get pregnant, like, yesterday.
• To be in a financial situation that would allow us to fix some things in our home and allow me to work part time with our child
• To have a happy, healthy family

DAY 18:  What is your favorite infertility-related quote?  It doesn’t have to be explicitly related to infertility, but one that means something to your personal journey.

This is actually a running quote, but I believe fits well here: “I don’t stop when I’m tired, I stop when I’m done”

DAY 19:  List 5 pet peeves.

• slow drivers
• talking on the cell phone in the check out line (I have no idea why but this drives me bonkers)
• people who say they are going to do something, and then don’t
• Messes
• Disrespect

DAY 20:  Were you a product of infertility?\

No.

DAY 21:  List 5 guilty pleasures.

• Dr Phil
• I downloaded the latest Justin Beiber song on my Ipod (I know, I know)
• Draw Something/Words with Friends
• Naps
• Eating dessert for dinner

DAY 22:  How has your financial situation affected your infertility journey?

The better question is, how hasn’t it? Any extra money I spend makes me wonder if I should save instead.  If we had insurance coverage or could afford multiple attempts, we would have done an IVF procedure already. As it stands though, we have enough money for one, which is why it has been put off multiple times at this point. If I’m going to throw that much money into a 65% chance, I feel like I need to try everything else. Plus, God only knows why, but we are still holding on to some hope of a natural BFP so that we can use the money on house improvements (and a freaking vacation!) instead.

DAY 23:  Put your iPod on shuffle.  List the first 10 songs that play.

• My Chemical Romance – The Black Parade
• Green Day -Burnout
• Evanescense – Lose Control
• Britney Spears – Kill the Lights
• Savage Garden – To the Moon and Back
• J LO feat Pitbull – Dance Again
• No Doubt – Sunday Morning
• Highland – La Varita
• Muse – Thoughts of a Dying Atheist

DAY 24:  Does your religion (or lack of) help/hurt/affect your infertility journey?  Have you found religion?  Lost it?  Does it affect what treatments you do?

I’ve always thought that infertility would cause me to turn away from God and religion, but strangely it has brought me closer. I find myself praying more than I have before, for things like strength, patience, and of course, pregnancy.

DAY 25:  What was your first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made?  Was it before or after you started trying to conceive?  Or was it after you were already pregnant?  Why did you choose that particular item to buy first?  If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?

We bought a changing table from a neighbor selling it at a yard sale. We actually have a crib and glider as well that another neighbor was selling. It was such a good deal we couldn’t pass it up!

DAY 26:  Post a picture of something that makes you happy.

DAY 27:  What do you use the “nursery” for right now?

Spare Bedroom.

DAY 28:  Have you ever done something “non-traditional” in order to help you conceive?

I tried “fertility massage”once.

Day 29:  What is your favorite book?

I don’t have one favorite to be honest. But my favorite author is Jodi Picoult.

DAY 30:  After a month of infertility talk, we need a distraction.  Give us a link to one of your favorite non-infertility-sites, or tell us about your favorite distraction activity/book/feel-good movie.

Words with Friends

April 30 Day Challenge (Days 1-15)

So I realize the point of these 30 day challenges is to get you to post every day for a month.

I suck at that, but I do like participating so I’m bundling mine.

DAY 1 – What is the meaning behind your blog name?

When I started the blog it was meant to keep me motivated during my training for my 2nd marathon. It was also meant to keep me sane during infertility. I use it as a journey to the marathon finish line, and the fertility finish line. Annoyingly, I  had already chosen my url name “a course to the finish line” and then when I tried to name the blog it was taken, so now my blog name and URL don’t match. It drives me nuts.

DAY 2 – How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?

Truthfully I was simply tired of taking hormones (the pill) and said that I was stopping. We could either use another method, or see what happened.

Of course, nothing happened.

DAY 3:  What is in your handbag?

Uh….wallet, my inhalers, a change purse, a couple pens, chapstick, a small medicine container, lipgloss, keys, nail clippers, my phone and sometimes my Sony E-Reader. (when I can find the blasted charging cord)

DAY 4 – Besides Mother’s Day, what is the toughest holiday for you as an infertile?

Christmas. It just isn’t exciting to me as an adult anymore.

DAY 5:  List 15 facts about yourself.

• I am a chap stick addict.
• I only like fine point pens. And I guard them with my life
• My least favorite household chore is dusting
• I’m always involved in a couple different activities, ranging from choir to sports
• My sister and I are 8 years apart in age
• We hosted 2 exchange students when I was younger, and my parents hosted a couple more after I left for college
• I eat cereal for dinner at least 1-2x a week
• I’ll talk to anybody – I’ll jump right into your conversation too
• When I was a kid, my favorite lollipop flavor was lemon and orange
• I  had straight hair until 8th grade
• I hated my curly hair until I was in college
• I’d rather read than watch TV
• I can drink coffee and then go to sleep
• I can listen to the same song over and over again
• I can’t walk out of Target without buying something

DAY 6:  Talk about how you chose your RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist).

There is only one place in the area. Not much of a selection.

DAY 7:  What is in your makeup bag?

Brushes, mascara, eye shadow and mineral makeup

DAY 8:  If an observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility (fertility)?

My metformin script, the BBT on my bedside table and at the right time of the month, OPK’s in the trash can.

DAY 9:  If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course)?  List 10 things you would buy or spend money on.

• Vacation
• Pay for all IF treatments
• New floors in house
• Build screened in porch
• New mattress/bed for Bryan
• New washer/dryer
• Fence in backyard
• Landscaping
• Hire a maid to deep clean every few months

DAY 10:  If you are no yet pregnant/a parent: What are you MOST and LEAST looking forward to after that first beta?

MOST: making the announcement

LEAST: worrying about miscarrying

DAY 11:  Where do yo like to shop?

The Outlet Mall, Old Navy, Gap – places like that

DAY 12:  If you are not yet a parent: What are you MOST looking forward to about parenthood?

Gosh. This feels like a cop out but I’m really not sure. I look forward to most all of it.

DAY 13:  Describe your dream vacation.

Something tropical and all inclusive. Beachside. Where everything is planned and I just have to show up! Massages, facials and all of that included. And of course, beautiful scenery to run.

DAY 14:  Tell us about your funniest Clomid/Follistim/injectables mood-swing story.  If you don’t have one, tell us your funniest general infertility drug story.

Well we haven’t entered into the drugs yet so I don’t have one.

DAY 15:  List 5 things you want to do before you die.

• Have kids (duh)
• Run a sub 4 hour marathon
• Write a song (even if it sucks)
• Learn to play the guitar
• Skydive

I’d Rather Use a Fork to Eat

Life throws lots of curveballs.

Fortunately, this is a positive one.

Bryan and I had discussed and agreed to get more information on the Barbados IVF. I had just faxed a record release yesterday asking our local clinic to sent our records to Barbados so we could have our phone consult and decide for sure when we wanted to try to go. All the while, he has diligently been taking his hormones prescribed by his endocrinologist, but after 4 less than fabulous SA’s – I didn’t expect this one to go any better, and honestly, I don’t think Bryan did either.

His sperm count is normal.

Yeah, you read that right, NORMAL.

36 million with 70% motility.

Holy crap.

NOW WHAT?

After months of “IVF is your only option”, I’m not even sure what to do with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited, but I am also tired of waiting. It seems absolutely silly to jump into IVF right now, but I think I still need a deadline. I unfortunately tend to fall into the more realistic pessimistic category, thinking still of my PCOS ovaries, my blocked tube, and the ever elusive “unexplained infertility”.

In this case, too much knowledge and the start of yet another new cycle has killed my ability to be positive or excited at this point.

So we’re at yet another fork in the road. Do we keep trying naturally for awhile? Do we try an IUI? At this point I feel more like “put a fork in me, I’m done”.

I think I’ll just use the fork to eat some pie. Maybe a whole one.

NIAW: Dont Be Sally – A Lesson in Infertility Etiquette

Disclaimer: I have not personally been on the receiving end of all of the comments below. This post is meant to bring awareness, but is also meant to be a tongue-in-cheek post. This is not meant to make anyone feel badly. This is written with the understanding that these comments are intended to be helpful. If I have insulted you, I apologize. However, I am blunt. I will not apologize for that. Here’s the thing: I get that you can’t know our situation unless we tell you. But once you do know, please just try to be sensitive. Just like you wouldn’t want me telling you to just relax when you find out you lost your job or say that “your loved one is in a better place” after suffering a loss.

Every infertile knows a Sally. (name not chosen for any particular reason)

Every infertile has a list of suggestions or comments that make us cringe. I personally rate them at three levels:

1. Eye roll – the mildly annoying but forgivable. These include:

• “Just relax and it’ll happen” – yeah, tried that
• “Oh my gosh if I even LOOK at my husband I get pregnant” – great for you
• “Just get drunk and it’ll happen” *cough* tried that *coughstumble*
• “Take a vacation and it’ll happen” – first, you have to take a vacation at the right time of the month, and if you happen to be like us and trying to save for an IVF, we can’t afford the vacation. Trust me, we WANT a vacation! (and may be able to get both thanks to IVF Vacations!)

2. Huge sigh – the moderately annoying but forgivable if its understood it came from the right place

• “Just adopt” – I GET where this one comes from, and unless you’ve had any education on what adoption entails, it seems like a fair suggestion. I’ve considered adoption and in fact would like to adopt in the future. Just not right now. Adoption, however, is extremely costly, time consuming, and overwhelming. You have to go through a home study, a background check, answer questions about your relationship etc.  There are no match guarantees. They can fail just like fertility treatments. On top of that, you really have to be READY in mind, body and soul before taking that step. Just try putting yourself in our shoes – if the children you gave birth to never existed and someone said this to you, would you be ready?
• “Just do an IVF” – although this is our current plan, sometimes I want to say “Ok great, you willing to give us 15k?”
• “Take mine for a day – you’ll reconsider” – really? REALLY?
• “Just be glad you get to sleep in” – I wake up at 6am on weekends anyway. Plus, come on!

3. Death stare  – did you seriously just say that?

• “Maybe you aren’t meant to be a mother”
• “Maybe that’s just the way it’s supposed to be” – I’m sorry, who died and made YOU God?

So back to Sally. (conversation is fictional)

You’re at a gathering, glass of wine in hand (thankfully), when Sally,who is more than likely no more than an aquaintence, walks up and starts a conversation. It begins honest enough. She introduces her husband and you introduce yours. You talk about how you met. She shows you pictures of her kids (probably on her Iphone – who has wallet pics anymore?) and then asks the infamous question – “so, do you have any kids?”

I’m an open person, so I typically respond something to the effect of “we’re trying, but haven’t had much luck”.

“Oh my Gosh!” Sally says, “if my husband even LOOKS at me I get pregnant. I mean, I was barely off the pill and BOOM!”

You stare, unsure of how to respond. She continues.

“You know what you should do? Just drink that wine and go get it on! You’ll get pregnant in no time. Just relax!“

At this point I usually offer more detail – it’s been several years,we have a condition, etc.

“Oh, well why don’t you just adopt? Or do IVF? Technology is so crazy these days”

Insert short blurb about expense and stress of IVF and adoption here.

“Oh, well don’t worry, you’re young, just enjoy being able to sleep in. It will happen when its meant to. In the meantime, you can take my kids for a couple of days – you might change your mind then! Maybe you are meant for something else – maybe this is the way its supposed to be.”

By the end of that conversation Sally has been on the receiving end of 3 eye rolls, 3 huge sighs and 1 death by stare.

Don’t be a Sally.

Death by stare is no fun.

For more information

NIAW – Dont Ignore….Your Strength

This week symbolizes a great deal for those of us pounding our heads against the infertility wall. (So that’s why I have a headache…) This  week, National Infertility Awareness Week, gives us a voice. The theme “Don’t Ignore Infertility”, is meant to bring awareness to others about what Infertility is. While I absolutely believe in the importance of this and will likely publish a couple of posts this week to that effect, I think its more important to start with us – the ones who face this every day.

In the 6 months that I have been blogging, I have read hundreds of stories. Many of us have been at this for years and have suffered multiple miscarriages and failed cycles. We’ve gone through counseling and attended (or avoided) a dozen baby showers. We’ve prayed, we’ve taken our temperature at 5am and taken just about every available natural remedy. We’ve depleted our bank accounts, infertility insurance, and emotions.

And yet we are still standing.

Infertility has a way of leaking into every aspect of our being. Marriages suffer. Vacations go by the wayside. We give up hobbies to allow our bodies to be in an optimal situation, if you will. Something that was taught in school as so simple and natural (and why you should ALWAYS wear protection) suddenly makes no sense. No one taught us that this might be difficult. We feel that mix of emotions when someone announces  a pregnancy that I can only describe as a “happy depression” -happy for the friend who is blessed with a pregnancy, depressed because we have been passed over yet again, especially so when it’s a second or third child.

But we are still blogging.

We’ve ridden the roller coaster of hope, whether through a natural cycle, IUI or IVF. The rollercoaster that finds us high with possibility one moment and crushed with failure the next. We’ve questioned our bodies, our expectations, the way things are “supposed to be”. We find ourselves drying tears and wondering if we want to get on the rollercoaster again - if the ride for the 34th time is really worth it.

Somehow, we are still trying.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from this group of women I have met both in real life and in the blog world, it is that we are incredibly strong.

We don’t really have a choice. There is no way we couldn’t be.

There is no way around it. Infertility sucks. We question. We scream. We cry. But we are still standing, we are still blogging and we are still trying for the chance to have a family, the chance we will all get someday.

This week, during National Infertility Awareness Week – Don’t Ignore Your Strength.

For more information:

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)