Hold Please

You know how sometimes, when you make a phone call, someone promptly answers but then somewhat unexpectedly asks you to please hold?

At first you say “sure, no problem”, expecting it will (hopefully) only be a couple of minutes. The elevator music in the background is somewhat amusing, however you still wonder to yourself what sane person would have such lame taste in music.

After a few minutes, the elevator music starts to go from amusing to annoying. No one has come back on the line yet, but you don’t want to hang up for fear of calling back and being placed on hold again. What if you’re mere seconds from being answered?

A few more minutes go by and you start think this is getting ridiculous. Have they forgotten I am on hold, here? And would you please turn this ridiculous music off?

Finally, after long enough you just hang up the phone, too annoyed to speak politely to whatever customer-service-person-who-probably doesn’t-like-their-job-much-anyway answers the phone. For now you have other things to do, you’ll call back later.

I guess I finally got tired of being on hold.

When Bryan shared his most recent sperm count news, I’ll admit I was a little less than thrilled at first – only because this meant changing plans for a second time, once again when I finally got used to Plan B. And the transition time that it took to adjust from Plan A to Plan B was probably longer than it should have been. I expected the same results adjusting to Plan C (keep waiting) but something clicked or set differently in my brain this time around, and suddenly I no longer cared to pin down a Plan D (when will we do the IVF).

Perhaps Bryan’s normal SA accounts for some of this – in all the time we’ve been trying I’m not sure we’ve ever had a normal amount of sperm to work with, so it seems silly to spend all that money without seeing if our own bodies can do the job. Maybe I finally got tired of planning. Maybe I just finally sub consciously realized that it’s really out of my control. Whatever the reason, before I left for Ohio I finally decided to hang up, so to speak. I told him to go ahead and use some savings to build the fence we’ve been putting off forever because we didn’t know if we’d need the money. I realized when I got back from my trip that I’d made it through the whole weekend without obsessing about fertility.

I attended a baby shower and genuinely ooohed and ahhhed over the cute baby clothes without wondering when I’d have my own. We went out and had a few drinks without my worrying about how much we were spending. We’ve talked about refinishing the floors (gasp, spending more money) downstairs, getting a storm door, or just doing a few of the smaller things around the house we’ve been wanting to do since we bought it a year and a half ago.

When I got home from Ohio, Bryan had built me a fence:

And I don’t regret the decision to spend the money one bit. It’s been freeing. I’m thinking about a small trip we can take this summer and maybe I’ll take one of those PTO days I’ve been saving. Maybe I’ll get my hair done or get a pedicure.  For now, I have no idea when Plan D will take place.

And for now that is ok. I have hung up the phone. I’m going to enjoy life for a bit, and I’ll call back later.

Contact Paper and Adventures in Graduation

I have this vague memory when I was smaller of adults cooing over how old I was getting, how tiny I used to be, and how they just remember me as a certain age.

I always found that annoying. Like, how? Do you not see me standing here now, clearly older? I was especially weirded out by people who exclaimed  how big I’d grown from when they used to babysit me, because I had no memory of any of that. Then they’d all wonder aloud where the time went and everyone else would nod in unison and agreement. I’d run away and play the first chance I had, wondering why all adults were so strange.

Then I watched my sister walk across the stage at her college graduation, the proud new owner of a Bachelor’s degree holder (they send it in the mail later which I’ve always thought was strange. Congratulations on your brand new degree….holder!) , and wondered to myself where the time went.

Confession: that’s not the first time that thought had crossed my mind.

And I already know I’m strange, so don’t bother telling me.

To backtrack a bit, I boarded a plane on Thursday headed for the mediocre  great and boring exciting state of Ohio. After a small freak out on Wednesday night about the fact that I wouldn’t be able to carry on my hairspray or mousse (see fear: pouf hair) and a perhaps-a-bit-too-frantic text to my mom and sister about the existence of said items at the house, I boarded the plane confident that I’d be able to keep my hair under control for the weekend.

If you had my hair, you’d understand.

Natalie had three main goals for the weekend:

1. Graduate

2. Move from apartment A to apartment B

3. Hang out with cool sister

Ok, I may have made that last one up.

Day One of “Operation Move Apartment” went fairly smoothly. No one broke any bones or threw any items across the room, which to me counts as a victory. I almost threw a do-it-yourself bench across the room when I couldn’t get the pieces to fit into the pre- measured holes, and found myself repeatedly sitting on them in my attempts to get the legs all the way into the seat. I was especially annoyed (albeit appreciative) after one of her guy friends managed to get them to fit in about 2 minutes.(Apparently all 128 pounds of my body just wasn’t good enough.) What was supposed to be a half day task naturally ended up taking all day, because the apartment hadn’t been cleaned very well after the previous person had moved out. Seriously, the dirt on the shelves? Gross. And in desperate need of a good scrub and some contact paper.

Contact paper and I have a love-hate relationship after spending several hours in a tiny kitchen (standing on the previously mentioned stool) covering shelves. Measure, cut, peel, unstick paper that stuck to itself or myself, press. Unpeel, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Unpeel, fix corner, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Cut excess with razor blade. Flatten. Rinse, repeat. I did it so many times that each time I peeled the paper from the backing I sang a two word song to myself titled simply “Contact Paper”,  which naturally became the joke of the weekend and was something I started singing at random times to amuse myself. I declared to anyone who would listen that I was 29 going on 18. Until that evening anyway when Natalie and her friend decided they wanted to go out to the bars….at midnight. It was already, like, 2 hours past my bedtime.

Is it bedtime yet?

At 2am, I pulled the “old” card and declared it was time to head back  because I wanted to go to bed.

I am so lame.

Also, on a totally unrelated note, double fudge cookie dough blizzards with peanut butter cups? Fabulous.

Saturday I got my happy butt out of bed and dragged it and Natalie’s butt running. We showered, ran a couple errands, grabbed breakfast and then I attacked contact paper: part 2. (Measure, cut, peel, unstick paper that stuck to itself or myself, press. Unpeel, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Unpeel, fix corner, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Cut excess with razor blade. Flatten. Rinse, repeat.)

After that, it was off to graduation:

Hi, we are with the graduate

I look nice now….

but I’ll totally steal your dollar when you aren’t looking

21 and 29 respectively, going on 5. We ranged many ages this weekend

Congratulations, Natalie.

FINALLY after all of that it was time for operation contact paper: part 3. (Measure, cut, peel, unstick paper that stuck to itself or myself, press. Unpeel, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Unpeel, fix corner, repress. Flatten out bubbles. Cut excess with razor blade. Flatten. Rinse, repeat.)

And you thought I was going to say dinner.

After another late night the whole family went to church the next morning. My aunt, who suffers from arthritis, asked me if I wouldn’t mind rubbing a couple of knots out of her shoulders. Afterwards, she told me she caught herself starting to ask me if, and I quote “did han.d jobs”. (i.e. would I massage her hands?)

For the record, the answer is yes, I do massage hands. Get your mind out of the gutter.

We took a trip in my mom’s convertible, where my mom and sister shared their incredible “cool-ness”

Suddenly, I had blinked and the weekend was over. And I found myself asking the question that I found so strange before: where did the time go? In fact, even with this incredibly long drawn out fertility journey, I ask myself that. It was nice to spend a weekend not worried, focused or even caring about fertility.

It’s time for more weekends like that. Ones that involve living and enjoying life.

Thanks for the awesome weekend, family.

Cupcake run? Yes Please

First, my apologies for being out of the blog loop lately. Life was really hectic early this week and my parents are here for a visit. Then we found out some potential bad news about our financial situation and this IVF we have planned, so I’ve been in a funk (more on that later) and had a bit of writers block.

However, I remain thankful for one of the things that keep me sane (and that I mention all the time): running. I found a 5k near my house and when I read the name “CF Cupcake 5k run/walk”, I was sold. Any race involving a cupcake I will happily participate in. It was also raising money to find a cure for cystic fibrosis, however I’ll admit that I was really excited about the cupcake and didn’t get the “CF” reference until later. (yes yes, shame on me)

There were cupcakes, though, and they looked yummy.

This race was held at a local elementary school; the one where the child with Cystic Fibrosis attended. Since my parents were in town, my dad decided to participate in the “walk” portion.

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The race itself was pretty nice. We ran out the school driveway, through a couple neighborhoods and back, with each mile marker cutely marked with a cupcake with a mile number on it.(If they were real, I would have eaten them)

Although I didn’t PR this race either, I was happily the 2nd female to finish, and therefore the second female to receive my cupcake ticket.

YES, cupcake!

After finishing I walked back to find my dad and walked him in the rest of the way

I was glad that he decided to walk it, because it was cool to be able to participate with him.

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As an added bonus, lunch was provided…..at 10:30am. But hey, its free, so I’ll eat it.

The best part?

  Best trophy EVER

22:35, a walk with my dad and a kick @$$ trophy – WIN

What Infertility Has Taught Me (So far….)

February marks one year since our first visit to the fertility clinic.

It’s been a heck of a year.

I was much angrier a year ago, taken aback by some pregnancy news I didn’t expect, solidifying (to me) that everyone else was going to get pregnant before I was. I walked around in an angry cloud for a few months, and then started this blog. Though I knew logically that this pregnancy had NOTHING to do with me, I still felt as if it was some kinda of karmic slap in the face.

Today, I feel frustrated. I feel discouraged. I think that’s par for the course sometimes, especially as my unwanted visitor draws nearer. But I feel much less anger. Less jealousy. A better understanding of all the emotions and the fact that they are completely normal. More faith.

What I haven’t gained any more of is patience.(Hey, you can’t have everything)

Infertility has taught me that feeling bipolar is completely normal, and that yes, it IS possible to feel one way and then 10 minutes later, feel the exact opposite. Our most recent bump in the road has taught me this: a few days ago I felt at peace with waiting out the IVF a bit longer, until yesterday when I  forgot ALL of the reasons I decided that and started to feel like there was no way in He.ll I was going to wait any longer.

Infertility has taught me that sometimes I can be a crappy friend, though it was never my intention.

Infertility has taught me that HOPE can be a blessing, but it can also be a four letter word. There is no other way to explain why, when month after month of nothing, we continue to think that maybe THIS month is it. And why, when we are disappointed yet again, we keep doing this to ourselves.

Infertility has taught me that most insurance companies suck.

Infertility has taught me that money becomes both much more and much less important. Important because we need it to have the chance to build our family. Less important because I wouldn’t normally gamble tens of thousands of dollars for a slightly more than 50% chance on anything. But for this I will. Because when it works the money won’t matter anymore.

Infertility has taught me that a sense of humor is imperative. Thought I mostly believed this already, it becomes especially true in this case. If you don’t have something to laugh at, it’s easy to get sucked into depression.

Where else but pinterest?

Infertility has taught me that relationships are fragile. It’s easy to get so lost in the hope for a baby that you start to inadvertently disregard the relationship that made you want to build a family in the first place. It’s also solidified that I’m with the right man. Through all of my nuttiness he has continually supported me and been there for me. I wouldn’t want to go through it with ANYONE else.

Infertility has taught me that most people have no idea what infertility really means, which sometimes causes comments that seem sympathetic to them but hurtful and silly to us.

Infertility has taught me that it is important to have an outlet. Maybe its a blog, a club, a hobby or a collection. Maybe it’s a job. A pet. A nap. Several failed cooking attempts. An obsession with a celebrity. SOMETHING to keep your mind occupied.

Infertility has taught me that I have a really fabulous group of friends.

Infertility has taught me that infertility SUCKS

Infertility has taught me to have faith.

Most importantly, infertility has taught me that you’re stronger than you think, and you can keep going. I believe some of the strongest and most resilient women come out of the infertility community. They are also some of the most supportive. I’ve seen this especially recently as people have suffered losses – the outpouring of love and support was overwhelming to me.

We are a strong group of women (and men), and we must never let ourselves forget that.

pinterest

Slave for a (half) Day

In an attempt to save money, hubby and I agreed to keep this Valentine’s Day cheap.

I came home from work tonight to a box of chocolates (YUM), flowers, a bottle of wine, dinner cooked, and a clean house. (love – and all fairly inexpensive) One thing I love about Bryan is his willingness and ability to clean. Well, except for one thing:

This is how he puts the silverware away

I guess you can’t have everything.

We started to have dinner outside. We prayed. We said thank you for the food and our time together. And while I’ve been mulling and praying about it silently for the last several days, at the end I threw in some guidance to decide what our next step should be. Bryan asked for a sign. Almost immediately, it started to rain. Weird. Except I have NO idea what that might represent – other than rain.

Anyway, back to the gift:

Bryan loves to  play this game with me that I HATE. He makes stupid bets with me (I bet the mail is out there right now) and whoever loses owes the other x number of minutes of “slavery”.

The concept is cute. I hate it mostly because I hate to lose. And because I’m not always a very good sport when he cashes his time in.

So this year I made 4 “tickets”, each representing one hour of slavery and each with 4 hearts representing 15 minutes.

He wasted no time telling me I was not allowed to complain when he decided to use one.

Barely 5 minutes after I gave them to him, he went into the living room and started to make a list.

Oh boy.

Sorry the picture is kinda cruddy. It says 15 minutes brush Chance and give him a pill, 15 minutes trim the plant, 30 minutes shampoo upstairs carpet. Not bad, could be much worse, but there are still 3 hours left.

During dinner I can see the wheels in his head turning. At one point he asked “if you’re mad at me for something, am I allowed to use 15 minutes to send you to the corner?”

Perhaps I should have included rules.

All in all though Bryan loved it, and it didn’t cost me anything.

Except maybe some future dignity.

Show Me the Money

I thought the hardest decision to make regarding IVF was the decision to do the actual procedure.

Wrong.

Turns out, that was the easy part. As I previously mentioned, our clinic offers 3 options for us out-of-pocketers:

1. Pay cash. Ha, Credit card. Who am I kidding?

2. Multi cycle discount (no refund)

3. Multi cycle refund program (no baby in 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles = refund of 70% of your money)

I basically decided not to even worry about the refund program. Personally, I feel like this program is made simply to make money, and doubt that if I were to qualify, that it would be worth it for me. Why would I qualify if chances of it working before 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles weren’t really good?

So that leaves us with option 1 and 2.

Bryan is leaning more towards pay out of pocket. I vascillate between OOP and going Multi cycle. A friend of mine who has been through this suggested a graph with all possible scenarios and what it would mean financially:

The cost of one out of pocket IVF+ICSI at our clinic is 11,848 + about 2,000 for meds. The first cycle would actually cost about 15k total because of pre IVF testing that needs to be added, and freezing sperm. The cost of a multi cycle (2 fresh, 2 frozen) is 21,450 + 2,000 per fresh cycle for meds. From what I understand, meds for frozen cycles are minimal, so I didn’t add anything for those.

Plusses are what we would pay extra, minuses are what we would save, based on choosing the multi cycle plan.

• Cycle                              Out of Pocket             Multi Cycle           Difference
  

• One Fresh cycle                      15, 000          23,450                 + 8,450
• Two Fresh cycles                   28,848            25,450                 – 3,398
• One Fresh/One Frozen          18,500           23,450               + 4,950
• One Fresh/Two Frozen         22,000            23,450               +1,450
• Two Fresh/One Frozen         32,348             25,450                – 6,998
• Two Fresh/Two Frozen         35,848            25,450               -10,498

(Sorry for the poor spacing, I couldn’t get it to format correctly. )

At the most extreme ends, basically if we paid for the multi-cycle and it worked the first time we’d be paying an extra 8,500 (or saving 8,500 if we paid cycle by cycle). If we needed 2 fresh and two frozen cycles and paid out of pocket, we’d be paying an extra 10,500.(or saving 10,500 with the multi-cycle). Its that second fresh cycle that’s really the kicker, and where the money really starts to make a difference.

Just for a comparison, for the price of 2 fresh and two frozen cycles, you can buy a Lexus.

I hate that there is no way to know how my body is going to respond. That there is just simply no way to KNOW which choice is the smarter one. It’s making my anxiety ridiculous, and the calmness I felt about deciding has been replaced with a desire for several glasses of wine. I need to decide, and be ok with the decision.

Rock paper scissors, anyone?

2011 Recap

I was planning on trying to create my own post about 2011, and then found this nifty template courtesy of Unruffled Lanie, who got it courtesy of All and Sundry. Thanks, because I like this version much better.

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1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

•  Ran my first marathon
•  Was part of a Flash Mob with a group of friends from work (you can see the back of me at about 45 seconds – I’m wearing jeans and a green shirt…probably closest to the coolest thing ever.)

•  PR’d a 5k and half marathon
•  Saw the Tran sSiberian Orchestra
• Had a vulture fly into my car
• Woke up in the morning to find underwear on my windshield

• Used a spatula to clean ice off my windshield

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


•  I didn’t make any

2012

• Get pregnant! (darn it!)
• PR 2 more race distances
• Live more in the present
• Take a vacation
• Find a church

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


•   Jenny gave birth to Landon in May.

• Leslie gave birth to Landen on September 27. I was there when he was born and am really happy that I could be.  He had some issues at birth but is a tough little guy.

•   Megan is due in a few weeks. She won’t give birth until 2012 but I wanted to add her anyway.

4. Did anyone close to you die?


• No, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?

• None.  Just the good old US of A

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

• A baby
• Less stress over things I can’t control
• Faith

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

• January 16 – Finished my first marathon
• February 20 – First visit to RE
• May 14 – Flash Mob!
• August 19 – hubby throws me awesome surprise birthday party
• September 11 – first anniversary
• October 24 – Ran 5th Half Marathon and PR’d the crap out of it!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


• Finishing my first marathon
• Maintaining sanity despite infertility (trust me, its not easy)

9. What was your biggest failure?

• Spending over half the year worrying and stressing about getting pregnant. I’m not even sure how much time I wished and stressed away.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

• Inferility
• Diagnosed with asthma

11. What was the best thing you bought?

• Gutters for the house (yeah it was a lame year)

12. Where did most of your money go?

• Mortgage and bills, eating out, fertility related crap, savings

13. What did you get really excited about?

• Finishing a marathon, training for the second, blogging, my job

14. What song will always remind you of 2011

• Katy Perry – ET

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


• – happier or sadder? A little of both
• – thinner or fatter? Same
• – richer or poorer? Poorer

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?


• Laugh
• Relax

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?


• Worry
• Feel bitter
  

18. How did you spend Christmas?

•  Went to Ohio to visit my mom, dad, sister, grandfather and aunt. Ran 20 miles with a good, and also crazy runner friend. Saw my old college roommate who I hadn’t seen in 5 years.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

• Modern Family

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

• The Hunger Games series
• The Help
• Out of My Mind

21. What was your favorite music from this year?


• Katy Perry – ET
• Adele – Set Fire to the Rain
• Selena Gomez – Love You Like A Love Song
• Alexandra Stan – Mr Saxobeat
• Bruno Mars – It Will Rain

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

• The Help
• Harry Potter

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

• I met a friend for a massage and dinner. When we got home I was greeted by about 30 of my friends that my husband had invited for a fertility themed surprise party complete with a sperm-chasing-an-egg cake and a phallic looking pinata. It was fabulous. I turned 29.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

• The appearance of a magical fertility fairy (since the disappearance of infertility is pretty much impossible, I might as well go all out in my wish )

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

• I so don’t care. I just buy what I think is cute. And on sale. Bonus if its both.

26. What kept you sane?

• My husband
• My friends
• Reading
• Running
• Blogging

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.


• Worrying, jealousy and bitterness do nothing but make you more miserable.
• I can do, and tolerate more than I thought I was capable of.

Christmas Recap and the Rudolph-mobile

After my successful 20 mile run on Christmas Eve (woot woot!), we all just kind of relaxed the rest of the day. We attended a Christmas Eve service, and came back and took a few pictures in front of the tree. This one is my personal favorite:

I’ve been calling it “Family Portrait 2011″.

Despite my protests that I really WAS good this year and my many promises to be nice next year, Santa denied my Christmas present request by sending Aunt Flo to greet me first thing Christmas morning. Thanks for that one. Unfortunately, Bryan also apparently caught the bug I had the previous Thursday with the added twist of nausea and vomiting, so spent most of the day sleeping. If it weren’t for at least having my family around, some fun gifts and a yummy dinner, I would have declared Christmas Day itself a total fail.

Although I declared not long ago that we would be waiting until my 30th birthday to proceed with IVF, this latest disappointment has me re- thinking that decision. I’m still not entirely sure what the plan is, but  I have put a call into the RE’s office asking for some info on the procedure and if there is anything we can do to help lower the cost, payment plans etc. I’m just over the roller coaster ride.

The  day after Christmas we squished 5 adults and 2 small dogs into 1 car and made our way to Pennsylvania to visit my grandfather (Pap) and aunt for the day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Aside from the cute lady who squealed with excitement every time we walked by with one of the dogs and the nursing home resident who threatened to cold cock Bryan at dinner (when I was the one who was talking), it was your pretty typical visit- gift exchange, food, lots of cookies, and then more time in the car. The really cool thing was when my aunt called a couple days later to tell us that he was really excited and talked about the visit after we left.

Tuesday I had plans to meet with my old college roommate, who I realized I actually hadn’t seen in five years. This is scary not only because it had been a really long time since I’d seen her, but also because this meant I graduated college more than 5 years ago. Yikes.

My car was not smiling at me this morning, and apparently decided to make my trip again more difficult. Even though the tire pressure had been checked and the tires had been filled since Saturday, the light was STILL ON. And I was late. Luckily, my sister was nice enough to lend me her car, which I appropriately nicknamed “The Roudolph Mobile”

I have a shiny nose

I picked her up, apologizing for the fact that we were two 30 year olds (actually, I’m 29) riding in the Roudolph Mobile, but hey at least we had a way to get somewhere. We caught up on about as much as you can after 5 years (the abridged version), walked around a couple stores, grabbed a coffee and headed back to her house.

Little did I know it, but soon it would be my time to shine.

Pulling out of the parking lot, I initially pulled into the left hand lane. She informed me that I would need to change lanes, but that I could wait until I passed the ridiculously slow moving car. Annoyed and glancing over at the old woman in the car next to me, I began to say “Good, because grandma almost got run over… (recalling the car I was in) by a reindeer”.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I laughed at my own joke all the way back to her house.

Watch out, Grandma

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 Very pretty to admire, but honestly I’m was glad to drive away from it.

For anyone unfamiliar with the Iphone app Foursquare, you can “check in” to places to earn badges, and some stores you check into have specials. You can check into highways also, and without much else to do on a 12 hour ride, that is exactly what I did. My final check in before arriving back home was on Interstate 26…..what should be a fairly simple, innocent highway.

Uhh…..strip club? (Someone at the bottom had commented “Where are the boobies?”)

Well hey, at least the long drive ended with a bang.

Don’t Let Me Write a Love Song

I’ve always been an avid music lover.

I started taking piano lessons at a young age, and violin lessons in 5th grade. In high school, I was in choir, marching band, and orchestra. I played in the pit orchestra for music theatre (also in high school). I still sing in a community choir and play Fur Elise when I can get my hands on a piano.

I love music because it can represent and express a wide range of emotions. From sadness and depression to joy, to confusion, to anger to laughter. It’s comforted me during hard times in my life and I’ve belted out the best of the love ballads, rock songs and Top 40 hits in my car and while cleaning the house. It helps me get through runs and organize my thoughts while writing the more difficult blogs.

Music rocks. (pun intended)

There isn’t much else to do in your car while driving 11 hours through the night but listen to music. Bryan was in the drivers seat and so had the controls of the radio. Luckily, we have similar taste in music so I wasn’t forced to listen to Country Music Radio (sorry Country lovers) when I was actually awake. For awhile, he was tuned to a R &B station.

Rap, while not my least favorite, is not my favorite either. Mostly because I can’t understand a darn word the guys are saying. This one particular song I remember had this weird background sound that reminded me of a squeaky shoe or dog toy. The sad part was, I could see where it could be a decent running song, but since I couldn’t understand a word and am pretty sure I’m not going to turn up a result using a search: “rap song squeaky shoe sound”, I guess I’ll have to leave that one to memory.

Then Bryan starts to laugh. What is so funny? Apparently either the song said or he interpreted the following line: “She’s so cool she gives head with her shades on”

I guess we are measuring cool differently these days. Or we are totally misinterpreting the lyrics. Like that commercial where the guy is singing “Pour Some Sugar On Me” but actually sings “Shook up Ramen” so he calls the librarian to look up the lyrics. (Thankfully we have Google for that now)

I personally enjoy an interesting mix of music. I tend to listen to alot of Top 40 type songs because they tend to have fast paces for running. Once I decide I like a song, I can play it over and over again. Oddly, most of my favorite songs I picked out because of the background music. Adele’s “Set Fire to the Rain” is a good example. I decided I liked the lyrics after the background music. I enjoy Adele  because her lyrics have meaning beyond giving head with shades on.

Some songs just crack me up. Take “I’m Sexy and I Know It” for instance. I actually thought it was serious for awhile until someone told me about the music video. Then it just became funny. Another thing I like to do is take song lyrics and mess with them. Last night in the wee hours of the morning in the car, I made my own version.

Girl look at that body

Girl look at that body

Girl look at that body

I eat out

When I walk in McDonalds

This is what I see

Everybody stops and stares at me

I got a fat roll in my pants and I aint afraid to show it (show it, show it)

I’m a fatty and I know it

Eat your heart out, Weird Al.

Then there are the love songs. If you really listen to the lyrics of some of them it tends to point to an unhealthy relationship. I really like Bruno Mars’ new song “It Will Rain”, (which by the way, we heard 6 times on the trip) and Ill totally blast it out along to the radio, but the idea of sunlight and blue sky being dependent on the presence of another person is  bit scary. (I say this knowing that losing someone can feel akin to that….I’m just reading it more literally for comedic value). Don’t get me wrong, I love the song, and I’m betting that my version won’t hit the Top 40 charts anytime soon:

If you ever leave me baby

I’ll wave goodbye from my front door

Cuz even though I want you I don’t need you

Even though I’ll be sad I don’t have you anymore

I guess his lyrics are a bit more heartfelt and effective.

No, I won’t be quitting my day job anytime soon.

I Used to be Indecisive…Now I’m Not So Sure.

One of my least favorite things about infertility is its’ uncertainty. The solution can often seem annoyingly unclear, without a guaranteed result even once you make a decision.

I am the complete antithesis of a risk taker. I’m a planner. A list maker. I pack for trips two days early, considered homework assignments late if they weren’t finished before the due date. I make sure all of my ducks are in a row before making any big purchases. I save. I prepare for a more expensive result so I can be pleasantly surprised at my budgeting skills. I figure my home budget as though I make less than I actually do just in case I missed something- which I don’t. Well, not usually.

I’ve somewhat sadly spent the last several months trying to decide what to do in respect to these shots for Bryan. Do we wait it out or go balls to the wall, taking a huge emotional and financial risk?

As the non risk taker – I basically just spent all of that time hemming and hawing. Missing life. Upset alot. Going over every possible result over and over again.

You know what, me? Obsessively going over all the unknown details of a not yet made decision and all of its possible forks in the road is not only impossible, but enough to drive one a bit insane. I’m finding this struggle with indecision leaking into other parts and decisions in my life and finding myself not only constantly annoyed, but becoming indecisive about the littlest things.

What do you want for dinner? I don’t know.

What shirt should I wear today? *stares into closet for 5 minutes…..gets stressed out, gives up, and leaves house naked….just kidding*

What should I blog about? *stares at blinking cursor for 15 minutes*

What do you want to do today? Wish I was really a wizard. Oooh, or maybe write fan fiction.

Do you want some chocolate? Heck yeah!

Ok, well some decisions are still easy enough.

Finally, though, I just got kinda tired of it. All logic points to waiting a bit for both stability and financial reasons.  Hesitantly, I finally agreed to give the VA treatments until my 30th birthday. I’m really not thrilled about it, but obviously my lack of decision making regarding what path to take was a decision in and of itself. I’m too afraid to not only be brokenhearted, but also broke. And wavering about what to do was making my relationship suffer. Finally, after several months, I agreed to make a decision for sure.

Then, Bryan asked me if I wanted to use some savings money to fix some stuff around the house or save it in case we need it.

Well, shit.

Get back to me in a few months.