An Ode to (Silly) Irrational Fears

I’ve noticed a few ridiculous neuroses lately:

1. A few weeks ago after my last 10k, I wrote about that fact that I learned of my own poor running form. At the advice of the nice guy selling shoes (though perhaps he just wanted me to buy new shoes) I googled running form and found this New Balance Website on Good Form Running.

Basically there are four steps involved: posture, cadence, midfoot, and lean. After studying the videos, I decided to try my hand at this new fangled running form, and found that the mid foot wasn’t as difficult as I feared, but did take a good bit of concentration. I’ve also been reading Born To Run, which, in short, says that all humans were born to run (hence the title) and that the invention of super cushioned, pronation controlled shoes has actually INCREASED injuries rather than decrease them. It also advocates for barefoot running, or at the very least, a shoe with very little cushioning. (read the book runners, seriously).

Anyway, the interesting thing about this is that it turns out most runners are doing it wrong and striking on the heel (which, according to the book, is mostly due to the shoe – because if you run barefoot you automatically are forced to use better form in order to protect your feet and use the most padded part), but suddenly I’m finding myself all self conscious about my running style, peeking over my shoulder periodically while on the treadmill at the gym, wondering who  might be staring at me and wondering what the heck I am doing. Perhaps because it partially feels awkward (old habits die hard), but mostly because I feel like I look funny. It’s as if I need a running disguise.

You can’t see me

Clearly I sometimes care too much about what other people think. However, I’m still working on the mid foot strike.

2. Bryan went on one of the more recent trips to the grocery store by himself, and I had asked him to pick up some hair spray. He, unknowingly (though he does pay attention because he did get me the right brand) grabbed the “flexible hold” hairspray, which to me reads: fluffy hair. However, because I don’t want to waste it, I’ve been using it and have had this immense fear of fluffy hair.

In case you don’t know, I have insanely curly hair. It has a tendency, when untamed, to become quite frizzy. Mousse and hairspray are my staple items, neither of which I could live without without an impending panic attack. Those two things, plus chapstick, would send me on a run to a 24 hour drugstore if discovered missing.  If I don’t spray enough hair spray into my hair when the day starts, I spend all day fearing fluff head:

this is actually a tame version

If too fluffly, I’ll refuse to leave my house without fixing it first, so that I might encounter

3. The ball.

I’ve played softball on and off for 20 years. (ugh I sound old). And you know what? I’m afraid of the ball.

Which is why I play outfield or first base, because very few ground balls get hit to first, and outfield balls usually slow down after hitting the grass. For whatever reason (because its never actually happened to me) I have this fear that its going to hit some rock, bounce up and smack me in the chin.

I dunno why the chin.

And yes, I continue to still play softball. I just try to stay out of the war zones.

And sometimes have a glass of wine first.

It’s kinda ridiculous.

 My heart beats a thousand times

I forgot my hairspray

And that means a run to the store

Or I won’t go out today

I could go for a run except

I’ve begun to change my stride

And I think you might be staring at me

At the treadmill by my side

I put myself in the outfield

Avoiding the “fear of the ball” curse

My stupid fears will make me nuts

Unless I shoot them first

An Ode to Spri(achoo!)ng

(on a random side note – somehow some of you who I have been following disappeared off of my list. So if I haven’t commented at all recently – thats why…its fixed now.)

Fall is actually my favorite time of year. I love the leaves changing and the cool weather – even though the leaves don’t change much here. Halloween is my favorite holiday. And it means I won’t have to mow my lawn for the next few months

I love spring too. The azaleas are beautiful in full bloom. People spend more time outside, and softball season starts again.

But spring also means

ALLERGIES

The one time of year where I almost kinda sorta consider moving back to Ohio. I didn’t have issues with allergies until I moved to South Carolina, and it seems like it gets slightly worse every year.

pinterest, naturally

I think that describes it pretty well.

I used to watch those commercials for the allergy meds where people describe feeling like they are in a “fog” and wonder exactly what that meant. I totally get it now. On allergy days I long to feel the way the commercial people feel after taking their magic pill and are released from their fog.

Sometimes, on a particularly bad day, I just sneeze.

A lot.

No, seriously.

One day, I started to sneeze so many times that I counted them. Not including the sneezes prior to starting to count, I counted over 80.

My abs got a good workout that day.

I feel bad for Bryan mostly when I sneeze. While I know that the polite and least disgusting thing to do is to reach for a tissue, use your elbow or cover your mouth, my sneezes  come about with very little warning. Usually I spend the precious milliseconds searching for a tissue and ACHOO! When I do cover my mouth with my hand, it typically still sprays because I do what I like to call “projectile sneeze”.

Once, I sneezed straight up in the air…..and then it rained back down on my face.

When  I’m not sneezing constantly, I’m typically dealing with a runny nose. From one nostril. Just one. Not that I am complaining about being able to breathe out of one nostril, I just find it odd. I’m sitting on the couch minding my own business when suddenly my body turns on a mini water faucet, forcing me to relax and watch TV like this:

What? I get tired of constantly wiping my nose raw. And only about 2 more attacks away from walking around like that in public.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

The weather’s getting warmer

The flowers start to bloom

My car’s covered in pollen

It is the time of doom

I breathe out of one nostril

Because that’s just how it goes

Nothings more fun than relaxing

With a tissue up my nose

I hope I’ll wake up in the morning

And be out of this fog, please

Can you get me a tissue?

I think I have to

ACHOO

Sneeze…..

An Ode to Mush Brain

Today, while working with one of my kiddo’s, I asked him to name as many animals as he could think of.

Kid: tiger……elephant…….worm…..

Me: A worm is not an elephant

And 5…4…3…2….

I mean, a worm is not an animal.

Yeah.

I’m thankful for the Speech Conference next week. Usually after a few weeks with no long weekends, I start to feel kinda restless and burnt out and feel like I need a refresher so to speak, but since I’m saving my PTO for the IVF, I don’t really have any extra days to take. Unfortunately, the stress surrounding this whole IVF mess isn’t helping, thus leading me to what I am affectionately calling “mush brain”.

After I had finished working with above kiddo, I took him out to talk to his mom and discuss his progress for the day. I started with “he did well today, we worked on…..”

And I drew a complete blank.

pinterest, you are my favorite

Luckily this child was not a first-timer, because I probably would have scared them away to a Speech Therapist with a better functioning memory.

On the way home, I may or may not have driven a couple miles with my left turn signal on. (What? I was going to turn left eventually). I honestly am not sure at what point in the drive it was switched on, I just noticed it at a stop light. Where I was waiting to go straight. Also, I have totally made fun of my mother for that exact same thing, commenting that the car needed a “hey you left your signal on, stupid” buzzing noise.
Thank goodness there are no plans in the near future to leave me home alone where I might leave the oven on. (I don’t iron, so that won’t happen either)

You know how computers or MP3 players will display “memory full”? when you try to add that one extra file or song and there isn’t enough room? That is how my brain feels right now.

This is your brain.

This is your brain on mush.

as always, thank you pinterest

An Ode to Mush Brain

I’m staring into space

For an insane amount of time

Because I just can’t seem to think

Of any words that rhyme

I’ll turn my signal on right now

While my hand is free

I’m not gonna turn for awhile

But I’ll do it eventually

Having pizza tonight for dinner

In its circular baking tin

Yay! The timer’s beeping

But I forgot to put it IN (that’s what she said)

(yes, that actually just happened….and no, I did NOT do it on purpose)

An Ode to TV

I don’t normally like to watch alot of television.

Its not the staring at screens that’s the problem, because I’ll usually then switch to either my phone screen or my computer screen. One would think I’d have a constant headache. (the husband screen does periodically get attention). Part of it has to do with my horrible attention span (I can’t sit through a whole movie without wanting to get up) and my weird need to constantly keep moving. I’m not sure if I’ve always been like that or if it has just recently occurred as a result of adulthood, but I know I drive my husband nuts because he likes to watch movies, and usually after one I’m done (if I can make it through that one in the first place)

I did watch quite a bit of TV as a kid. Specifically I remember watching episode after episode of Doug and The Rugrats on Nickelodeon. I also loved Salute Your Shorts, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Clarissa Explains it All and sometimes The Secret World of Alex Mack. I remember Saturday morning Looney Tunes and watching The Price Is Right at 11am every weekday in the summer. I also had a weird addiction to Rescue 911 (and would then be scared to death of the possibility of an electrical fire). And lets not forget TGIF every Friday, my personal favorites being Boy Meets World, Step by Step and Family Matters.

I’m pretty sure I was too busy in high school to watch much TV.

In college I religiously watched Dr Phil. And Gilmore Girls. In fact, I own all 7 seasons on DVD and may or may not have played through them all once twice three or more times since then. I also may or may not still be annoyed with the way they ended the show. I may or may not have at one time considered naming a child Loreli and nickaming her Rory. In fact, if the show were still airing, I would still be watching.

Now, I have a few shows I follow. I watched Dexter religiously until we no longer had Showtime (but I’ll find a way to catch up somehow), The Office and Modern Family. My guilty pleasures include Dr Phil (yeah I still watch it) and Sister Wives.

Reality television was typically never my cup of tea. Survivor? Dumb. The Bachelor? Dumber. Dancing with the Stars? No thanks. America’s Next Top Model? Barf. I did like The Apprentice at first but quit watching it after a couple seasons.

THEN, I discovered Hoarders. Long Island Medium. Gold Rush Alaska. Wipeout. (I would so rock Wipeout). Sister Wives. Intervention. Obsessed. Taboo. And don’t even get me started on Storage Wars.

Admittedly, I don’t watch every episode. But when a few pop up on my DVR, which I now do not know how to live without, I am glued.

Rewind to this past weekend.

As I mentioned before, usually after a couple hours of TV, I’ve had enough. I don’t know if it was stress lately or pure laziness, but I turned on the TV on Sunday morning, planning to watch a couple of shows and relax and then tackle my To Do list (steam clean rugs, paint second coat on hallway walls that I did first coat on 6 months ago), i.e. be productive.

I chuckled at a couple episodes of Wipeout…..and then I started to watch Locked Up Abroad.

And it was all over. I didnt see the outside of my house, or even the upstairs for that matter, all day. No I take that back – I did finally shower at 5pm. I did see the bathroom a couple of times. I literally watched a full work days’ worth of television. I’m pretty sure my brain rotted and my IQ dropped a few points. The rugs? Still dirty. The walls? Unpainted. The couch? Nicely dented from my bottom. My motivation? BAHAHAHAHA! On the plus side, I did learn about what NOT to do when attempting to smuggle drugs across the border (like, DON’T DO IT!). I honestly can’t remember the last time (with the exception of illness) that I spent that much time on the couch staring at the TV screen.

Sadly, though I didn’t spend all day Monday watching TV, I didn’t get anything done that day either. Have you ever noticed that the less you do, the less you feel like doing? The only productive things I accomplished over the 3 day weekend were running, two loads of laundry (only one folded), and grocery shopping. We were out of everything.

So to you, brain rotting, IQ sucking Television (or maybe I should blame cable?), an Ode:

I made a list of things to do

A few items to work through

But I can’t do my best

Until I’ve watched Obsessed

And one more episode of Taboo

To use the paintbrush on my wall

And clean the carpets in the hall

But I can’t pick up the brush

Until I’ve watched Gold Rush

Not just one show, but them all

To overcome the TV’s power

From sucking me in one more hour

But I want to see the lives

Of the four Sister Wives

Its 5pm, guess I should shower

But I’ll turn on The Office instead

To hear a few “that’s what she said”

Ok I’ve had my find

I’m finally going to be done

Because now its time for bed

An Ode to the Cell Phone (i.e. Death by Blackberry)

Once upon a time, there lived a world without cell phones. A time when we went to the mall and had to plan a meeting time and place to go our separate ways. A time when we had to pay for long distance calls.  A time when we needed the computer to get on the internet. A time when we were forced to stand in grocery lines and read magazines or stare into space. A time when killing time meant thinking, or talking.

Now its an extra freaking  limb.

I got my first cell phone the end of my senior year of high school before heading off to college.

Ok. It wasn’t that bad. (and seriously? that is not a cell phone, it is a brick with a keypad). Mine was pretty small, had a bottom part that flipped open, and a nifty green glow and a handful of MIDI ringers. My next one was cooler because it glowed BLUE, had a couple black and white pixeled screen savers and even the worm game. (weeeee). The next one had a COLOR SCREEN! And a fun kangaroo screen saver. This was also about the time I started texting (sometime 2005-2006), but had to connect to the “internet” that took literally 5 minutes to load so therefore wasn’t used much. I had two more after that (I had a tendency to wash things that don’t belong in the washer) but really had no interest in a phone that allowed me to get on the internet and check email because, wasn’t that what computers were for? Plus, I was a total T9word text master.

Then one day, a friend of mine went with me to pick up the dog I had decided to adopt. She had a blackberry. I sat in the car and played a game, saying aloud that while it was cool, I didn’t really see the point. (total lie)

A few days later, I popped on ebay and bought myself my very own Blackberry Pearl.

And it was all over. (Apparently, once you go black, you never go back). Since then, my cell phone has been glued to my side  like the Epi Pen of a bee keeper allergic to bees. Email on my phone? yes please. Internet at my fingertips? Heck yeah! $30 a month more on my phone bill? Sign me up! Once upon a time I could leave my phone unattended for hours. Now? If I don’t feel the familiar heaviness in my pocket, panic sets in. (OMG! I might have missed a Facebook notification!) It’s probably the only true contender to my husband’s affection. In fact, I even sometimes get this “phantom vibration”, where I SWEAR I felt my phone vibrate, but go to check it and…..nothing. Crap. But that’s ok, because it’s my turn on Words With Friends.

I do have to admit, there are so many handy apps now though. It’s really cool to be able to find restaurants near where you are, see what movies are playing without having to listen to the recording of the name of every movie and every time it’s playing that day. And really? who needs a map anymore.

So to you, extra limb cell phone, an Ode:

I think I lost my cell phone

The world is coming to an end

Has someone seen my cell phone?

My one and only friend

Yeah I see you standing there

With nothing else to do

But it’s my turn on Words With Friends

So I’m ignoring you

I hear you telling me about

Your weekend, yeah it’s great

I didn’t do much either

Oops, I felt my phone vibrate

My husband planned a great date

Just the two of us alone

We can spend some time connecting

Well, once I check my phone

An Ode to Pinterest

Well crap. I got sucked in. I joined Pinterest

It just got really overwhelming, you know? All these people constantly asking for my ever so crafty home ideas and one of my many many homemade recipes. So I just figured hey, I can pin them and share my domesticated goddess ideas with the world!

Yeah, I’m not crafty, and I hate cooking, so that’s a lie.

Actually it was because I came across quite a few things that really made me laugh (or at least chuckle) out loud. And I really think that one thing I can rely on to help me maintain my sanity through infertility (because my ovaries appear to be on strike right now) is humor. Plus? Qualanayraynaynasha? How can you not laugh at that?

So if you’re not familiar with pinterest, its kind of like a virtual corkboard where you can save and share anything and everything that you find interesting from re decorating ideas to quotes to pictures and funny sayings and everything in between. And there are some pretty creative people out there. A number of times I’ve said to myself “man, what a COOL idea!”. I’m more in search of funny and humor but I’m sure I’ll find something that I want to make and will probably never get around to.

The problem with pinterest is that you can totally lose track of all time and reality. Haven’t had breakfast? Ok, just one more page on pintrest. Late for work? Ok just let me “like” this? Gotta pee? Wait that pin is really funny!

So to you, pinterest, I write an Ode.

A place to share your craftiness

And favorite recipes

Yes I know its dinner time, can you

Just hold on a minute please

A place to share your favorite books

And the best way to do your hair

Despite the fact that the day is gone

And you haven’t left your chair

A place to see what your friends like

And share your favs with them

A place to find what makes you laugh

Oh crap, its 3am.

An Ode to Patience

Patience is a virtue…….that I do not possess.

And I HATE being told to be patient. Which I suppose is the first sign that I am impatient.

I’ll defend my “patience” to the end, of course. Though in my defense (see, here I go already), I’ve always known I wanted kids. I started really getting that feeling somewhere in 2008, but was just not in a situation to make that happen. When I met Bryan and finally felt really confident that this was the guy I wanted to build a family with, I was really ready.

So I consider the fact that I’ve made it through 2008- now with most of half of my sanity intact to be super patient.

How does a person just become more patient anyway? Is there a how to book I can read?  Can I just buy it at the store next to the peanut butter? Oh! Or better yet, if it game in a bottle of Pino Grigio! (I’d personally prefer Reisling, but that doesn’t start with a P). Is there a 12 step program I can become a part of?* Or a support group?

HI! My name is Theresa and I’m a NotPatientaholic Impatientaholic!

Actually there might be a benefit in having a buddy to call when my mind gets the better of me.

In all seriousness though, I’ve pretty much ignored anyone who has told me to be patient, including Bryan. But last night during one of my various freak outs, he pointed out that he was excited about the fact that he was getting these shots and I didn’t seem to really care at all. And it occurred to be then that I had pretty much jumped from the news that he was getting them to: “ohmygodthisisn’tgoingtoworksoIneedtostarthoardingmoneybutwecan’trightnowsotheworldisending!” in a matter of a few days. (ok not that extreme, but you get the point).

But he has a point. I’ve totally put out of my mind that the poor man is injecting himself 3x a week so that we have a shot to have our own children and I’m already freaking out that its not working (there is no proof of this, of course), because I want it and I want it like now, darn it. I don’t honestly know how I’m going to learn more patience yet so until then, patience, an ode to you: (in an ABAB format)

Somewhere inside me is more patience

Someone more relaxed and more nonchalant

I’m happy to become more patient

Just as soon as I get what I want

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*No offense at all meant to anyone who has done a 12 step program

An Ode to the Juice Diet

For anyone wondering: no, I am not on a juice diet.

A few weeks ago, I believe while perusing Netflix, Bryan came across this documentary called “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead”  , a story about an overweight man with a skin condition (I can’t recall what it is) taking prednisone for it daily. He went on a juice only diet for 60 days, lost a bunch of weight, and was able to slowly taper off of the steroid. Another lady in the documentary tried it for 10 days and said it rid her of her migraine headaches. Its actually a very motivating story. And by juice I mean taking fruit and veggies and juicing them in a juicer…..and doing nothing but that for 2 months.

Just hearing that and I’m already dreaming of cake. And chocolate. Mmmmmm chocolate.

The theory makes alot of sense, really. It would be nearly impossible to eat all of the fruits and veggies that you can combine to make the juice, and by consuming them raw, you are retaining all of the vital nutrients by not steaming or boiling and adding several pats of butter. This guy, however, was able to travel across the US and make a documentary while doing it, so I think the “real life” factor was a little easier for him.

Bryan has given it a go a couple of times. I’ve seen him juice celery, lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, apples, grapes, oranges, kale, ginger root, spinach and I’ve sure I left a few things out. The result appears less than appetizing:

(No goldfish were harmed in the making of this juice or blog post)

 

The first time I came home from work and he had gone to bed…..at 7pm. (In his defense, even the documentary guy said he wanted to do nothing but sleep the first 3 days)

Then there was the peanut butter. (peanuts are a vegetable, right?)

Kudos to him, though. He’s getting way more nutrients than me and my cup full of cinnamon toast crunch I sometimes eat for dinner. He mostly uses it to supplement now, and tries to get me to drink some all the time. I did take a bottle full to work once, but only after I got him to agree to make it like 90% fruit.  It still looked like algae, and when I tried to suck some out of the bottle I couldn’t because a piece of lettuce had gotten stuck and blocked the top.

Anyone else on board yet?

So to you, juice diet, I write a short ode (in the form of a haiku). Ahem.

I drink my green juice          

It is so healthy for me.

Hey wait, is that cake?